GRATEFUL FOR HITTING BOTTOM

July 31, 2012 was the worst day of my life, but looking back, it also was the best day.

I an grateful to the Almighty for hitting bottom because there was no other way to go but up and that is exactly what I did.   I re-made myself.   I am not the same person that I was with certain people and I will never be that way again.

I have really internalized what the psychiatrist told me.  When he sets up a dialogue that you don't wish to have, leave.......the room, the house..........   I have added to that the concept of not responding.  You can't have a confrontation when the other person is quiet.

Quiet has given me the ability to explore new things that will make me happy.  Quiet has given me the ability to explore myself emotionally and spiritually.  Quiet has given me much more time to enjoy my own life.  Quiet has reduced my depression and anxiety.

If July 31, 2012 had not happened life would have gone on as usual.  I would have been his victim.  I would have been emotionally bullied.  I would have very little time as my time would have been consumed in trying to "teach him and please him."  There would have been no time for me.  There would have been no exploration.  I would not have grown.  He would have continued to set up situations to bully and abuse me.

I hit bottom and I now have the freedom to be me.

I hope that the Almighty continues to be by my side so that I can enjoy life.

As we move into this new year, the year 2013, I will with the Almighty's help, continue to be quiet so that I can explore and grow!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR THE CHANGES IN ME!!!

Thank you, Almighty for the changes in myself.

Without your help, this would not have happened.

I am now calm, cool and collected and ready for anything.

The people around me have not changed, but I know what to expect from them and it has made my life easier. Quiet has allowed me to have so much more fun.

Thank you Almighty for your help.

GRATITUDE FOR A WEEK OF FUN!!!!

Thank you Almighty for a wonderful week filled with all sorts of fun-filled activities.   

I am so grateful to you for watching over me.

I hope and pray that you continue to do so always!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR A BIRTHDAY AND A WONDERFUL WEEK

Thank you Almighty for giving me this blessed birthday and this wonderful week.  At the rate I was going, I didn't know if I would reach this day.

Thanks so much for shaking me up and being there for me always.

I will continue to make you proud of me!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR THE SOUND OF RAIN

I am grateful to the Almighty for the sound of rain that I listened to as the Nor'Easter came last night.  It showed that I was in the present and was enjoying nature.

I am enjoying my vacation because of it's beautiful peace and quiet.  I am loving the things that I do.

It is my mantra:  I have joy!!!!   I have energy!!!!   I will have a good day!!!!

I am so much healthier as a result of the quiet.   

I am grateful to the Almighty for all the good in my life.

GRATEFUL FOR COMPOSURE

I am grateful to the Almighty for my composure today.   It has been 5 days since I started my wonderful vacation and I almost let my guard down with him.   I told him that I didn't want to go to the jewelry store and he asked me why.   I was almost all set to tell him, when I decided not to and went for a walk instead.  The walk lasted 2 and 1/2 hours on a raw and cold day. That's making lemonade out of lemons.

I am grateful to the Almighty that I said nothing because if I did, it would have started something that I would have regretted and he would have taken delight in.......a fight!!!    Then it could have blown sky high.

He is very uncomfortable with the periods of silence in this relationship.  Basically, after the chores are done, it is quiet and I get to read and listen to music.  I text friends.  This isn't what he wants.  His joy is bantering and having me again try to "teach" him.  That's over!!!

I'm loving this new "un-relationship!!!"  I am grateful to the Almighty for it.

GRATEFUL FOR JOY

I am so grateful to the Almighty because he has allowed me to see the joy in my life and has allowed me to develop more interests that give me pleasure.

Thank you, Almighty!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR APPRECIATING THE DAY

I am grateful to the Almighty because I appreciate each and every day.   I think about my mantra, "I  HAVE JOY!!  I HAVE ENERGY AND I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!!  Then I proceed to have a good day.

Yesterday for example I did so many fun things that I decided to do and that I enjoyed.  I walked.  I went to yoga!!!  I went to WEIGHT WATCHERS which finally re-opened.  I got a wonderful mani-pedi where my ring fingers are a holiday red and the rest are green.


Today, I walked and I'm off to yoga again.

I love my life and my routine and am very happy.

Thank you Almighty for this day!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR MY SUCCESS

This morning it was beautiful and as I was walking, my usual two hour walk, I began to think about how successful I have been throughout life and how the Almighty has made that happen for me.

Despite the dysfunctional home that I came from I was able to get excellent grades and go to Queens College. Excellent grades there led me to my first position as an educator in a wonderful school and district.  I even taught at Hillside Hospital.  After children and after my mother passed away, I went to work for Lincoln Hall, first as an educator and then as a supervisor.  Lincoln Hall paid for my education.   When the program closed, I came to BOCES, again, first as an educator and then as a Curriculum Coordinator, where I have my own office complete with a bathroom.

I have been blessed with a love of my religion.   I was active at the Bellerose Jewish Center and now am a respected member of the Plainview Jewish Center.  I attend services regularly and am involved in many activities.  Despite having very dysfunctional children due to his sterility and artificial insemination,  I was able to build my reputation back after the dysfunctional children tore it apart.

I believe that the Almighty looks out for me daily and for that I am very grateful.

I have been blessed with good health, again, thanks to the Almighty.

I have been blessed with loyal friends.

I achieved a beautiful home and a lovely condo.

I enjoy my hobbies:  walking, meditating, yoga, book clubs, Sisterhood activities, select television shows.

I am having a good life and have had many successes.

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MISERABLE BEHAVIOR OF THE MATE I HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO MARRY OR THE ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION CHILDREN THAT I GOT.   I DID MY BEST TO SHAPE THEM INTO APPROPRIATE PEOPLE, BUT I HAD NOTHING TO WORK WITH.

I am proud of my successes and can do nothing about my failures.  I am not responsible for them.  I was a wonderful role model, that they chose NOT to follow!!!!

I am so grateful to the Almighty because he allowed me to be a success.

LOOKING BACK WITH GRATITUDE

As I look back at the year, I am so grateful to the Almighty  for the many things that I have learned.  I am no longer the person that I was, yet, I haven't changed.  This may seem like a contradiction, but it really isn't.

I am still the same happy, motivated, joyful person that I always was, but now I am selective as to who I share this with.   If I don't care about you, I'm quiet.  If I care about you,  I'm very happy to see you and chat with you.

I read something at services today that amazed me.  It was the last section of the trilogy of Joseph.  It explained that the Almighty can't change a person from doing bad things to another.  However, the Almighty protects the ones that need protection.  I was amazed by this, because I have felt this year that the Lord is protecting me.

Thank you Almighty for your care and protection and may you always be there for me.

GRATEFUL TO THE ALMIGHTY FOR MY LIFE

Almighty, you must have been so frustrated with me, that is, if the Almighty does get frustrated.  I wasn't getting it.

However, now I do get it.   I know what to do.  I know that I'm comfortable with how you want me to be.  You were right, as usual.

Thank you so much for not giving up on me!!!!!

I am grateful to you for my entire life!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR MY CHECKUP

I am thankful to the Almighty for my wonderful checkup.

How can I thank the Almighty for this? I thought about this a great deal.  I believe that he wants me to take the lessons that I have learned and move forward so that I will never be caught again.  He wants me to have a happy life.  He wants me to try new things.  He wants me to be good to myself.

I promise to do the best that I can to live up to this.  I will start tomorrow in synagogue to thank you.

GRATEFUL FOR CONTROL OF MY OWN LIFE

I am so grateful to the Almighty for giving me the control of my own life.  How wonderful that is!!   How calming that is!!!

He is beside himself with rage.  He claims that this is not working out!!

I am in control of me.  I have a life.  I do interesting things.  I purchase what I need, when I need it.   I have friends.  

I don't do things with people who have abused me.   I don't need their presents or their presence.  I don't need to discuss it either.

I'm proud of myself.

I  have figured this out with the help of the Almighty.

Thank you.

GRATITUDE FOR MY LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty for my life.  Sometimes, I get rather sad because I would have liked to have married a friend instead of the enemy that I am married to.

At those times, I have to have strength to be able to remind myself of all my positive accomplishments.

Thank you, Almighty, for my strength.

GRATEFUL TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO MOVE FORWARD

I thank you Almighty for the ability to be strong.   I'm still thinking about what he said to me Friday night.  It's so horrific, but it makes so much sense if you think back to all the things that he tried to do to me.

The truth is that he tried and failed.  Although I didn't have a husband or a quality mate, I had a good life.  Who knows what is in store for me now?  This is not to say that  I want another partner, because I don't.

I just want to have fun and I will.

Thanks for making me strong enough to accept challenges and move forward!!!

GRATEFUL FOR HAPPINESS

I am grateful to the Almighty for giving me the gift of happiness. I am a happy person.  I am interested in all aspects of life and what it has to offer.  

When I have sadness in my life, I often try to look for the silver lining.  I create strategies to deal with the bad things that can happen.

Yesterday, I asked him why he does things to hurt me.  The answer was shocking and I am still amazed at it.  I repeated it to my friends and my daughters.   He knows that he is an unhappy person and that I am usually happy.  His aim is to make me as miserable as he is.

Those were his exact words.

Thank you Almighty for the gift of happiness


I'm happy because I will survive this also.   

I'm so glad that I know this now before I even think of retirement.

I definitely won't buy a bigger condo now.

Thank you Almighty for providing information before more damage was done.

GRATEFUL FOR STRENGTH AND ORGANIZATION

I am grateful to the Almighty for giving me strength and organization.  You might ask how these two things connect.

I have to live with him and get through all the rotten things that he puts me through.  Organization helps me to structure the day so that I have a purpose and can look forward to things.  That, in turn, gives me the strength to carry on.

I can't look at him.  I know that the prank phone calls will stop now that I got the girls involved. But, I know that he will try something else.

Last night, during dinner, I asked him why he tries to hurt me.  He told me that he is upset that his life hasn't worked out and he wants me to be as upset as he is.  What can one say to something like that??  The only solution is not to dig a deeper hole and get more deeply involved with him.  I must continue to be quiet, as I'm trying to do.

I am grateful that the Almighty has given me strength and fortitude.

GRATEFUL FOR CHILDREN

I am grateful to the Almighty because my children finally heard what he has been doing to me and will continue to speak to him.


Yesterday's incident involves them and for that reason, I will now get back-up.

I am grateful for this.

GRATEFUL FOR MY NEW LIFE

I am so grateful to the Almighty for my new life.  I love all the things that I do and the friends that I have.

I know how to deal with him without thinking of the strategies.  They have been internalized. For example, last night, in the car, which seems to be his spot for confrontation, he wanted to say something about the friend that we all know he is pranking.  Quietly, I said something else and then never got back to what he wanted to say.

Last night, I went to yoga and then to a wonderful film entitled, POWER OF BRO' with a discussion and reception afterwards.

Today, after work is a manicure and I need to get to the mall for makeup and to Michael Kors.

My new life is good.

Thank you Almighty!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR COURAGE

I am grateful to the Almighty for my courage.

He has started to prank my friends again.   I told him this in a non-emotional voice.   I did not let him bait me.

I was a bit nervous doing this, but I did it and was proud of myself.

I did something this morning that also showed my courage.  I called my girlfriend and asked her to de-friend my older daughter on FACEBOOK.    I asked her to tell her children the same thing   I then called my other girlfriend and asked her to do the same.   I then called my older daughter and told her why this was being done.  I did it in a calm, unemotional voice.  She agreed.

Thank you Almighty for my courage.

GRATEFUL FOR KEEPING MY COOL

I am grateful to the Almighty for keeping my cool in the face of adversity.

 By this I mean that I don't raise my voice no matter what is said to me.  I must tell you that this is very difficult for me to do.  It's probably the reason that I am not getting quality sleep as my sub-conscious plays tricks on me.  But, I imagine that if I keep up the good work, my conscious will get used to it.

He got his money yesterday and proceeded to tell me that he wanted to sell our house and buy a huge condo.   I listened quietly.  Gone was the dream of the condo on the East End.   I was sad.  I didn't let on, but cried quietly at night.

This morning I started to build a new dream for me because it seems that when I include him in my dreams, the dream fails and he feels control over me.   My dream is simple.  I will vacation at Montauk Manor and I will join the pool this coming summer, if the Almighty lets me be healthy.

He was upset that I didn't want to go out with the "children" for my birthday.  I didn't let on the reason, but you and I both know what happened in the summer.  I don't need gifts from them.  I've had my fill of mat cleaner, post-its, websites and Amazon books.  Quiet is the best gift that I can give myself.  

We are very different.  I have given up trying to fit a round peg into a square whole.  I tried and I tried for years and it didn't work.  I'm moving on.

He's upset that he couldn't create an issue and do what he did in the summer.  

I have kept my cool and I'm proud of myself.

Thank you, Almighty!!!

GRATEFUL FOR BEING A NON-RESPONDER

I am grateful to the Almighty for being in charge of myself.  It's not easy to do this as it requires a lot of strength and fortitude not to respond to him.  Thanks to the Almighty, I'm doing very well.  I enjoy my weekends and when he tries to start, I shut him down by being quiet or leaving the room.  Occasionally, I will answer, but in a very quiet voice.

I have studied him carefully, to be aware of what he tries to do.  Here are his topics:

l. I'm sick-  He will run the CHF forever as well as the cancer.  I'm smiling as I write this.  He has come up with the fact that pacemakers and defibulators move,  that his hip hurts, that his bones hurt.  It's meant to give me anxiety and when I open my eyes wide, to listen, but not to respond, he moves on.

2. Comments about the daughters-  He will try to run negative comments about the daughters, the other parts of the Triad, to goad me.  I don't respond.

3. Comments about how I can't cope-  He will tell me that he worries about me.  That is supposed to be emotional, but I respond by telling him that I'm capable and will learn.

4. Comments dealing with hating people or things-  He will tell me that he hates Newsday, Jeff, the neighborhood, the lab, all in an attempt to get me to comment.  I don't anymore.

I am grateful to the Almighty for understanding this so that I can proceed with my own life which is filled with friends, classes, yoga, book clubs, services, walking, work and life!!!

GRATEFUL THAT EVERY DAY IS A FINE DAY

Thanks to the Almighty because everyday is a fine day in my life.  It's a day for me, created by me with the help of the Almighty.

I took a beautiful and energetic walk this morning for 2 hours and soon I will be off to yoga.

I have learned to play the Triad's games and have beaten them at the games with silence and quiet.  I have even learned to reflect back what they do.  I'm sure that my non-emotional status bothers them.  But, they no longer matter in my life.

Life is good.

Thank you Almighty

GRATEFUL FOR GOING TO SERVICES

I am grateful to the Almighty because I went to services today and heard a wonderful sermon.  The text in the Bible spoke of Joseph being sold into slavery and how he coped with adversity.  The Rabbi spoke of being realistic and facing what is in front of you.

That is exactly what I try to do daily and it is making me a much calmer person as I no longer create make believe dreams and then get disappointed when they don't happen.

GRATEFUL FOR MY NEW LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty for helping me to realize my new life.  I am enjoying my life so much more.    

I am grateful to the Almighty for a good checkup at the periodontist.

I loved the school fundraiser at the comedy club.  I really enjoyed myself.  I brought him so that I could drink and I did.

I am grateful for acceptance of friends.  I am judged by who I am.  The Triad is not part of my life.

I am grateful that I developed what I call, my phony voice which I used when he told me that the older one wanted to celebrate my birthday.   I had decided months ago, after that fateful day in July, that I would not celebrate with them.  I have learned to give phony reasons also.  In my phony voice, I said that I would love to, but, taking a reason from the older one, I'm Soooooo busy!!!  That's all I said.  The implication, I'm sure was understood,but there is nothing that they can do about it.

I am in control of my new life and it feels wonderful.   Never again to be upset and hurt by them.  Never again to spend so much time explaining things.

This has given me a new life and I am grateful to the Almighty for this!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR GIVING UP FALSE DREAMS

I am grateful to the Almighty for giving up dreams that will never happen.  Sometimes, I get a bit sad when I visualize these dreams, but then, I move forward.

This has allowed me to really enjoy the life that I have.   Last night, I enjoyed dinner out with book club friends and really found myself laughing.   I enjoyed the book club also.

I'm finding that more and more, I'm happy with my life and I'm not lamenting that this is a substitution for what I really wanted.   

Those dreams are rapidly receding. Sometimes they return, but not with the intensity that they once had.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this.

GRATEFUL FOR LEARNING TO DECEIVE PEOPLE

I am grateful to the Almighty for finally learning to deceive people that I don't care about.  It's a skill that I never had, but, one that I will work on because it will help me to have a happy life.

One of the Triad texted me that she misses the dog. I'm sure that this means that she wants to be taken out to dinner again with her boyfriend.   This one has a boyfriend that he hates.   Initially, when I told him about this request, I thought that he would be annoyed that he would have to see the boyfriend again.  NOT EXACTLY!!!  He was willing to do it to see her and ready to blame me for not wanting to.

I changed my tune. I told the husband part of the Triad that I liked the boyfriend and couldn't wait to see him again as well as her.

I then texted her that I can't wait to go to Kripala.

I'm enjoying this deception as these people matter to me as I matter to them!!!!

I'll get a decent dinner out of this and I won't have to cook because I have no energy! After all, I'm older!!!!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR FUN

I am so thankful to the Almighty because he has shown me what fun is. 

After work yesterday,  I walked and after dinner I went to a wonderful Restorative Yoga class and then to a Silent Auction run by my Sisterhood as a fund raiser.  I bid on a pig because I wanted to give it to one of our secretaries. To my amazement, when I opened the package, I found a pig frying pan, spatula and wisk brush all in miniature size.

I was so happy this morning to give it to her.

Today, I have a private yoga lesson, dinner with friends and a book discussion. 

What could be better?????

GRATEFUL FOR LISTENING TO FRIENDS

I am grateful to the Almighty for having friends that I listen to.

Last night, I attended my class and had a good time chatting with my friends.

This morning I spoke to friends at work and really learned something.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this.

GRATEFUL FOR THE WEEKEND...TIL SUNDAY NIGHT!!!

I am grateful to the Almighty for a wonderful weekend.   Friday night, I finished my book and began another.

 Saturday,  I enjoyed services and kiddish.  I liked walked and enjoyed the film, LINCOLN.   

Sunday, I enjoyed walking, yoga and my Restorative Yoga Workshop.   Then came Sunday night. I have to find a way to cut these discussions out with him.  They aren't good for my health. 

The way to do this is to finalize the conclusion that the dream is dead and move on.  I'm going to work on this and see where it will lead.

GRATEFUL FOR PASSING THE TEST

In school there are lots of tests that we must pass in order to become something in this world.  The same is true of life, I have discovered.  In order to have a simple and happy balanced life, there are many tests that one has to pass.

I am grateful to the Almighty for passing some tests.  Last night, we went to see a film.  On the way, in order to make conversation, I told him about the sad state of affairs of the Rabbis wife. His comment was to ask how an intelligent man could make such a poor decision in marrying  this woman.  My response was to say that sometimes very intelligent people are fooled and only after children come, does the spouse reveal themselves.  He questioned whether I was talking about him.  I CHANGED THE SUBJECT!  However, I got my point across.

This morning, he chose to discuss his hospital stay and how much he has learned from it.  I DID NOT SAY A WORD BUT CONTINUED TO BRUSH MY TEETH.

I showed him pictures of our older one on Facebook in front of a Christmas tree.  He chose to defend her.  I just asked where her boyfriend was.

I am learning that one can speak one's mind non-emotionally as long as one knows when to shut down.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this revalation.

And now it's off to RESTORATIVE YOGA.  I'm not staying home!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR CHANGING VISIONS

I was in synagogue this morning saying my prayers.   I  always read a poem in the back of the siddur that has special meaning for me.

Suddenly, I realized that one of the verses said that you could be grateful to the Almighty for changed visions.  I realized that this was ME!!!!!  I am grateful to the Almighty because I no longer am in mourning for my old life.  It was a life created by a fantasy in my mind.  It NEVER EXISTED!!!!

Instead, I am so grateful for the life, the friends and the activities that I have.  I am grateful for the career that I have.  I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful to the Almighty for making this life possible.   It s a changed vision that I love.