GRATEFUL FOR DETERMINATION

I am grateful to the Almighty because He has given me a determined nature.

I'm going to need this quality this weekend.   However, if I succeed, when I go to sleep at night, I will have tremendous satisfaction.   I will definitely succeed.

I wasn't prepared for his behaviors last weekend but I am now.  I did do everything that I wanted to, but because I wasn't prepared, I was exhausted by Monday.  He had to drive me to work because of the snow.  

It was a tough week because I had to watch my words and I did. He is not used to this because through the years, he could always say something to set up a fight and then enjoy himself.  The cement holding the bricks together in this relationship were anger, fighting and enjoying my misery.    He was looking for a fight all week.  I didn't have activities to go to because of the weather and so there was no escape.  However, I agreed with everything he said and that upset him terribly.   He wanted to confuse.   We should go out, it's too cold, you can make dinner, I hate the dinner, I'm going to spit it out and there was no reaction from me.   He was upset by this too!!!!

I decided that we no longer have to speak on the phone while I am at work.    If there is an emergency,he can call me. I have pretended to have activities that I don't have, so I'm not in the office.  He has a remarkable phone voice that is very phony.

Tomorrow I will attend services.  It is the Men's Club and Sisterhood Sabbath and should be fun.  I will walk in Home Depot.  I will read.  I need a day to relax.  I will have dinner at home.  I don't need a film.  I will relax, enjoy and be.

Sunday, I will go to my yoga class.  I will walk at Home Depot.  I will do my chores and I hope to get to Weight Watchers.  I have scheduled a manicure.  I will have a good time.

I am grateful to the Almighty because I have a determined nature.  I am going to be quiet, yet friendly and see where this goes.   I smile as I write this because this is not what he wants.

GRATEFUL FOR MAKING MY HEART SOAR

I am grateful to the Almighty for making me successful since the snow began last week so that my heart is soaring.

Thanks to you, Almighty, I realized that I have created a life that I love which activities that I truly enjoy.

I have managed in all these days, not to fall into any of his traps, so that my heart is soaring.  He did not manage to make me angry about Hilary (he didn't get a subway call), Dana  (she doesn't call), Izzy (whom he hates) or me who he has to drive to work.  He didn't get me to react emotionally to how life didn't work out (mine did but in a different way), or any of his make- believe illnesses to give me anxiety.  At one point I paid a man $30 to shovel 2 inches from the driveway because he had "chest pains."  He learned not to create illnesses or it will cost him.  I learned to be quiet when he bitched.  I agreed that we didn't need a bigger condo because he hates Izzy and Dana and possibly Hilary.   I never wanted one to begin with.  All this time,  I spoke in my newly learned quiet voice which I'm sure irritated the daylights out of him.

Thank you, Almighty for making me successful and making my heart soar.   The temperatures are going up and my life will return.

Later-   He picked me up and almost immediately started to needle me.   I did not respond, but by the time we arrived home I said with a smile something to the effect that the cement of this relationship is needling.   He told me that in his condition, he couldn't go to dinner this weekend because it was cold.  I agreed and changed the shopping list.  I even included Sunday in my shopping list.  I think he will implode!!!!!!

I am so grateful to you, Almighty.  As they say in yoga, my heart is soaring!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty for my life.

I didn't realize the rich life that I have until the snow took it away and he had to drive me.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this life and that it will return when the snow leaves.

GRATEFUL FOR REALIZATIONS OF EXPECTATIONS OF PEOPLE

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am realistic about my expectations for people.

It took a long time for me to give up being a dreamer, but once I did, I found life to be a great deal more enjoyable for me.

I gave up my expectations for him.  As a result, I share very little of myself.  I don't share feelings or emotions or ideas.  Last night for example, I continued to read my book for the yoga book club.  I watched a new television show on HBO and never mentioned it.   

I texted the older one that I had been hit in the eye with a bowling pin by the dog.  Her response a day later was to ask how I had seen a picture of her friend's new house.  I neither told him about this or responded to her.

Both of them are the same and it is time to let go of that which doesn't serve me so that I can heal.  I thank my girlfriend for introducing me to yoga so I can learn this.  This is also why I'm not looking for a new condo.  I'm appreciating that which I have.

Today, he drove me to work because he had banged up the truck and it needed to go to a body shop.  I need to go to the library after work.

My life has been quiet.

I have joy!!  I have energy!!!  I will have a good day as I wait out the snow!!!!

Thank you, Almighty, for helping me to realize how to let go and enjoy my life.

GRATEFUL THAT I AM BACK AT WORK

I am grateful to the Almighty that I survived a weekend indoors with him bantering, being negative and trying so hard to upset me.

I survived it.  In past entries, I recorded all that I did happily.   I even made a delicious chicken cutlet/butternut squash dinner for myself because he hated everything that I cook for us and I told him to make something that he would enjoy.  (He made an egg.)

Honestly, I'm exhausted.  Exhausted from all the strategies that I had to put into place to keep safe.  Exhausted from working to keep myself from being depressed around him as I remember, even though I don't want to, all the cruel things that he has done to me.  

I realize that this weather will pass.  Life will resume.  My life will return.  He will be bitching and complaining as I walk out the door, going to an activity, that I don't spend time with him.  

It's just that while I'm going through it, it's tough.

However, I am grateful to the Almighty that I am back at work.  I'm here for five days.  I will enjoy each moment.  Although I will be tired, I will be happy.

Retirement???  That too will come in it's time.

Buying a condo??  A good discussion, but absolutely not.

I am grateful to the Almighty that I am back at work.

Later:  I went for coffee at our store and hung out with some people.     Conversation was really good. I discovered that a friend of mine bought a condo at The Seasons..............I'm thinking about my future!!!!!!   I did not speak to him all day under the guise of Regents.  I will call later. It's been a delightful day.  I EVEN SIGNED UP FOR A RESTORATIVE YOGA WORKSHOP ON MARCH 1!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR RELAXING

I am grateful to the Almighty because he has given me all these days to relax.

I would NEVER spend an entire day in the house reading.  But, other than the background noise yesterday, I had a wonderful day.

I got a good night's sleep and eventually someday when it thaws, I will be off and running!!!!!

I'm going to do yoga today in the music room.   I'm going to read both newspapers slowly and enjoy them at breakfast.

I'm going to read CLEOPATRA today for another book club.  

I was asked to go out I'm going to make dinner tonight.   I declined in a very nice voice. I'm not  wasting time making conversation with an emotionally disturbed person.  I'm making chicken for me!!!  He complains about every dinner.  He should be able to make what he enjoys.

I am grateful for the relaxing day that I am going to have. 

UPDATE:  I have switched the book that I am reading to THE SIGNATURE OF ALL THINGS for the yoga book club.  CLEOPATRA was too heavy for today.

GRATEFUL FOR UNDERSTANDING

I am grateful to the Almighty because I fully understand what he will do before he does it.

I had a wonderful, relaxing Sabbath.

I read and finished a book and I am starting another one.   If the weather is decent, I will be able to attend these book clubs.  If not, the books are enjoyable.   I said my prayers, read the Bible passage for this week, texted, worked on computer, read the newspapers, drank DD coffee that I made and really enjoyed the day.

He woke to tell me that he didn't like sleeping downstairs with the fireplace.   It was too hot.  It was too cold.  He proceeded to tell me about his night's sleep.  He then slept for most of the morning and afternoon, telling me that he didn't feel well and would go to the hospital.  He told me that he felt like he did when he got sick originally.  I offered to call 911.   I asked him if the pacemaker/difibulater had moved.  He said that it hadn't.   Don't think that I'm stupid.   I'm not.  This is part of the script.  He told me he was felt like throwing up, couldn't eat.  I reminded him that he ate very well in restaurants. At that point, he decided that he was depressed. I know that people who are depressed don't know it.   He told me that his life had no meaning.  We discussed this while I warmed up Sabbath dinner which he ate with no problem.

All the while he looked for something to say that would set me off.  Since it had all been said before, it was like a well rehearsed script.

He asked me to take the dog out.  This could be a new issue but I knew exactly how to handle it.  I love the dog.   He is very funny.  He asked me to set up my salad.  This could be another issue.  Knowing this, I set up my salad.  He came down and asked why I didn't make his.   I said with a false sincerity that I don't know what he eats since he always makes his.

 He tried to search for an issue and failed.

At the end, when I was finishing my book he thanked me for assisting him.  I almost made the mistake of acknowledging that it would happen again tomorrow, but thought better of it.

It's funny because I could have written the script.  I will be in hibernation until it gets warmer and would like to relax.   I know that bad weather passes and this is who he is.  I didn't waste time because I had done everything that I set out to do.

I know what happened to him.  I took the cement out of his bricks.  Bantering is nonexistent if no one responds.

Understanding this, I can move on with my life.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this understanding.