Back at Work

I wasn't as grateful to be back at work as I thought that I would be. Yesterday was a wonderful day and I was so grateful for it. I walked. The Yoga Book Club was wonderful.

Surprisingly, he was pleasant. Possibly, this was because I never take off from work and he was surprised. But, we went out for dinner and actually had some nice conversation and shared a salad and a pasta. He then went with me to my book club after I invited him.

Why can't it be like this all the time? It was so simple. That's why I wasn't as excited to go back to work. I didn't have to escape.

I don't know what will happen today. I'm very grateful for this career for many reasons. But, there is a life outside and I would like to access it.

Excited to Take a Day Off!!!

I am grateful that the day is beautiful and that I took off from work. I walked, had breakfast and read the papers. Now, I'm on the computer listening to beautiful yoga music. My soul is happy with itself.

I'm going to my Yoga Book Club now and am very excited.

Tonight I'm going to the library to discuss, BRAVE NEW WORLD.

I am grateful for this day!!!

Later.......3:20.......returned from the Yoga Book Club. It was wonderful. I will do it again!!!!!

Life is Back and I'm Grateful!!!!!

I was so grateful to be back at work today!!! Routine resumed! Life begins again!! And then I went to yoga and it was wonderful.

I'm taking tomorrow off to attend a Yoga Book Club. I'm excited! A fun activity for me. I'm grateful!!!!!

And then in the evening, my regular book club!!!! I am grateful that my life is back!

I Won and I'm Sad!!!

While it's true that I have made a life for myself and for this I am grateful, I'm very much alone. Living with an enemy is no fun at all. Creating daily strategies to deal with him is sad. Wasting a life with him is also sad.

Yet, I have accomplished a great deal and I am proud of that. I am grateful to the Almighty that he made this happen. I just wish that I had a mate to share it with. Not one that you have to be quiet around because he is jealous of everything I am.

I've Won

I have faith in God, my career, good health, a wonderful dog, great hair, friends!!!!

I won....no matter what he does.

I'm grateful!!!!!

I'm Succeeding and I'm Grateful

It's not easy being around him all week. I'm constantly checking my conversation. God willing, I'll be healthy for a while longer so I won't have to retire because too much time around him is tough. There are too many memories and most are not pleasant. But, I've been careful today and I've been successful.

I took a Gentle Restorative Yoga class this morning. He asked to meet me for breakfast. I didn't want to, but, thought the better of it. I did.

Then I went to the mall to walk because it was raining outside.

I've started to discuss Passover preparations with him which is tough because he is so anti-Judiasm as are those young women. I'm cutting down the shopping list to be healthy.

Tomorrow is Shabbos and Yoga. I'm prepared if he tries to ruin it.

I am succeeding and I'm grateful!!!!

My Intention is Still My Happiness

I am having a very good day and for this I am very grateful. Unfortunately, my bonding has loosened up which will mean another visit to the dentist, but in the larger realm of things, that isn't so bad.

I am still walking 2 hours a day and loving the weather. Today I scheduled a hair color and blowout and it looks great. I'm having dinner with a girlfriend. Last night, I paid for his dinner because I owed him that from Valentine' Day and I refuse to be accused of anything.

He's quiet, but I'm sure has learned NOTHING from how he made me cry. But, I believe in watchful waiting and I will be prepared with silence if it ever happens again, which it will. I'm nothing is not a realist and this time, I'm a prepared realist.

Intention: Happiness

I've been taking a lot of yoga classes. Today I took a flow class and the teacher asked us to create an intention, which is not a goal. The word, "HAPPINESS," came to mind. It is my intention to be happy despite anyone that chooses to make me miserable or threatens me.

My enemy told me that he would take my name off his stocks. I told him that I would take his name off my medical coverage. Threat for Threat.

My goal is, "HAPPINESS". I am grateful that I have figured this out.

Grateful for Determination and Strength- Part 2

I'm back to being an intelligent determined woman. I will never be put in the position that I was put in the other day. I am dealing with an emotionally disturbed human being. I will not be taken off guard again. If a situation like this happens again and honestly, it will, then SILENCE is the way to go.

Hopefully, he will do himself in with his own antics.

I'm Back!!!!

NO ONE WILL EVER PUT ME IN THAT POSITION AGAIN! I PROMISED MYSELF AFTER YESTERDAY.

Lost It and Cried to Boot!!!!

This is going to be more difficult than I thought. He's in my face all the time with his nasty comments and disposition. He doesn't feel that he's to blame for anything. I'm so ashamed that I cried, but one has to made of stone not to. I'll have to come up with more strategies and I will. He can kiss vacation and a condo goodbye!!!!

Almost Lost It But Didn't....I'm Grateful!!!!

I came home from services and was hit with him saying all sorts of nasty things to me and about me. He is dying for a reaction from me, but he's not going to get one. This makes him crazy. All I said and I was proud that I said this, "you've lost your victim." This I'm sure kills him. Then I continued the activities that I had planned for myself.

Today was my friend Arnie's funeral. On the way to Gutterman's in Rockville Centre, he wanted to be friends. I simply was quiet and when he wanted to know why, I told him to think about what he said and he denied everything.

Did this make me angry? Did I respond? I can't lie and say that I didn't think about responding. I did. But, would anything get better. Absolutely not. So I was quiet and had a splendid day (SO FAR).

Grateful for Determination and Strength

Today was the beginning of my vacation and when I came home from services, I was greeted with, "how will I deal with you being home for 10 days," all because I asked him if he wanted to go to a funeral with me. To be honest, I don't want him there but the couple was nice to him when he was in the hospital, so he wanted to go. By I was afraid of giving him more information about my friends than was necessary. And I'm right, because with him, less is more.

But, what to do about that comment? In the end, I decided to do nothing. I let it fall on deaf ears because I wasn't going to give him power. Fool that he is, I'm quiet, but I'm not forgetting. So far, he's lost a nice vacation and eating out. Who knows what's next for him.

It took a lot of strength and determination to do this. I'm grateful that I have these qualities. What is to be gained by answering him? You can't teach him anything. He will just have the satisfaction that he bothered me. He did, but he doesn't know it and that's how I won this round.

If one thinks deeply, one realizes that winning rounds doesn't make this a marriage. This is a joke.

Realization

As I review my entries, I realize that I have spent too much time speaking to him trying to make plans that he can destroy. I need to stop and I will.

Help Needed!!! Thanks for the Gift of Intelligence

A new phase has developed in the relationship between this man and myself. Yesterday, I had an implant procedure done and it went well.

We went to an Italian restaurant for dinner. He refused to order any more than a salad and then told me that he had chest pains, went to the bathroom to throw up, came back to tell me that this was how congestive heart failure began with him. Yesterday, he screamed at me because he had gout. He wouldn't be able to drive me to the periodontist for the appointment. I said fine and of course he did. After the barfing episode, I told him to go home and I would walk home. He didn't. Anything he can do to upset me, he will. But, I behave in a non-judgement, unemotional way. I used to get upset. Now, he's like a television show that I watch.

While I'm grateful that I didn't answer in an emotional way, how much more of this can I take? It's about trying to break me. What to do? A vacation is coming up and he is trying as hard as he can to upset me. If I'm around long enough, he might. As I say this, I know he won't upset me. I just have to realize that this is his game plan and move on. If I mistakenly say anything, this gives him the opportunity to carry on. I don't care enough to speak to him.

I've got Saturday figured out. Possibly Sunday too. I know about the dinner game, so even if he pulls it again, he's screwed. Maybe that's the way to go.....just silence and watchful waiting and moving forward afterwards.

I can do this. I will live in the present. One day at a time. Today, I told him that I won't be in the office. Then, there is the party after work. Then Shabbos which has its own procedure.

I can make this work for me.

Thank you for the gift of intelligence. I'm good with this.

Grateful for Learning to Lie

I never lied to him before. But, it has become necessary. Last night I went to a Men's Club meeting because they were showing the film, DUCK SOUP. He never joined Men's Club. He has nothing good to say about it. I've been a member of Sisterhood since I joined PJC. I decided to go and see the film. I met up with people that I'm friendly with and had a night of laughter. If I had stayed home, it would have been a night of strategies. What a much better choice for me.

In the morning, he asked how my friend Doris liked the film. That's a name he knows because prior to his actions in September, we had gone out with this couple. He visited Arnie in the hospital because Doris and Arnie had visited him. I lied again and said Jean Marie said she isn't coming. Who is Jean Marie? A mutual friend of ours. He didn't know the name. He was foiled again. But, she doesn't exist.

This morning he again announced that he had a gout attack. I told him that I would go to the periodontist myself. He was foiled again. How sad! There could be no confrontation.

I also lied and said that I had a meeting at Central Office all morning. I don't. But, he enjoys harassing by calling all day long and this will stop it. He won't call the cell phone because that costs money.

I have decided not to tell the girls about the way he tries to treat me. I'm not saying a thing about his gout attacks either. He is an adult and eating correctly is his responsibility. Why burden anyone with it?

I am grateful that I finally learned that too!

I'm Proud of You. I'm Grateful for New Intelligence

I am so proud of myself. I've got it down pat without tears. I know what he's going to do before he does it and so I don't react at all.

Yesterday, I was told to make reservations in an upscale restaurant for Valentine's Day. I did. Valentine's Day is a day for lovers and I wondered how I would pull that off. But, I had the feeling that I didn't have to worry because I had the feeling that this was fake. It was. When I returned home, there he was in his "uniform"...the same shirt, jeans and sneakers that he has worn for days.

I said quietly, "Is that what you're wearing?' "Yes," says he. "Should I change? "Absolutely not," I said. We went to a pizza place like I thought we would. That was what I wanted in the first place, but didn't say.

This morning he had gout. He yelled at me to walk the dog because his toe hurt. I couldn't because I wasn't even dressed for work. I told him that I didn't like his tone of voice and he yelled some more.

To my credit, I realized that comments like this weren't good and I stopped and went to work. I realized that this was harassment and I wouldn't fall for it.

Today, he called me at work to tell me that we wouldn't go out to eat next week because he had gained weight at the pizza place. That's what happens when you eat all the bread, I thought. Anyway, he told me that I could go out with friends which was what I was planning to do anyway.

I am grateful for my new intelligence. I can handle life!!!!!

Looking Back!!!

Looking back, I realize how far I've come to being an individual and I'm so grateful and proud of me. I've learned the value of quiet. I've earned the value of not looking back. I live in the moment and thank the Almighty for that moment.

Grateful for Understanding What I Need

Today, he received a phone call from our younger daughter saying that now that she has a sofa, she would like to spend the day with us during Mid-Winter Break, next week. She's the one who wouldn't show us her apartment in November when we drove her home.

Immediately, I didn't want to go and I actually said so to him. Between you and me, why should I recreate a dream that doesn't exist? After all she has done, I'm burned out. Therapy has helped me to put myself first. I no longer feel that if I do something for you, you will become a better person. It won't happen.

She also called me and left a message. Since you can't change people,I won't give her that reason. I'm going to say that I'm working. I understand what I need. I need to stay healthy and being with her wont help that to happen.

He doesn't care because he knows who she is.

I'm smiling because I know who they all are and I know what I need. For this, I am grateful!!!!!

Grateful for My God Given Determination

The Almighty has given me a very determined mind and I use it in a positive way. Today, it was freezing outside, but I walked for one and a half hours. Who would want to be alone with him used to be my initial reason, but now walking in winter is part of my life and I'm very grateful. I then went to my yoga class. I left my mat there and will pick it up tomorrow. I love Doreen, the instructor. Sadly the class has 30 students which doesn't give us much time to talk.

Then it was off to put gas in the truck and to my monthly WEIGHT WATCHERS weigh-in. I succeeded in loosing some weight so that I can have fun eating dessert during MID-WINTER break. Then I picked up DUNKIN' DONUTS coffee.

I arrived home to silence. Like my mother before him, he thinks that silence is a control factor. Thanks to therapy, I see it as a quiet factor. I read NEWSDAY and THE NEW YORK TIMES and soon will be off to THE APPLE STORE for a lesson.

I am a determined woman and I'm grateful for that quality.

Grateful for the Weather

Forecasters had predicted up to 6 inches of snow today. This would mean that I would be in the house with him and dependent on him to take me places as the snow froze. I am stronger now and could cope with this, but luckily, it didn't happen.

I am grateful for this.

I was able to go to services. I'm going to walk now and attend the prayer service later.

Thank you God!!!!

Grateful for Better Days

It was a wonderful day at work. I went to a very enlightening Curriculum Meeting. Then I went out to lunch. I'm home early and I'm going to walk. Snow is predicted for tomorrow.

Perhaps I won't be able to go to services. But, I'm back to the good, prepared place that I was in and no one can upset me.

Good Shabbos to all!!!!!

I Did a Stupid Thing- Grateful for the Realization

I did something that I never should have done. I'm grateful that I've created a new life and then I made a big mistake which I WILL NEVER MAKE AGAIN. I do things with him because I get no support from the adopted children and he would complain if he didn't have time with me. I went to Peconic Winery, took pictures of him and me and posted them on FACEBOOK. Friends were shocked to see those pictures. It was me living the dream once again. Not a good idea because it is only a dream. Dreams are not real. They are dangerous. I spoke to my girlfriend about it and it brought up all my feelings about the 3 of them. I had a bad nights sleep.

I need to live for me. I need to live in the present and not review the tragedies of the past because I will only get sick if I do this.

I am grateful that I realized this and it won't happen again.

Gratitude for My Career

How can I explain the gratitude that I feel to the Almighty for the wonderful job that I have?? I love the work, the students and the staff. Every day there is a new challenge. All the respect that I should have gotten at home, I receive here. Thanks to a good therapist, I have brought this personality home and life is now a vacation. As I have told you, I am grateful for all my after-school activities. But, none of that would have happened if not for my successful career. Thanks to the Almighty, my parents could not destroy my education. Teachers did not know what I suffered at home and neither did my employers. Work became a safe place and now because of therapy, I feel safe at home too.

Let's here it for my career!!!!

Grateful for the Weather

I thought about how grateful I was for my life when I drove to Chabad for my Ethics and Finance class last night. I was able, thanks to the Almighty to create an interesting fun filled life for myself because of this year's incredible weather and my incredible determination. Everyday is filled with something fun to do. I am grateful to God for this.

Today, I'm in YOGA CLOTHES at work because I have a private lesson with Leslie after school and then Restorative Yoga at night. How lucky can I get?????

Grateful for Life

I was grateful that the weekend turned out so well. I have many activities that I enjoy. Yesterday we went out to a winery where I am a member of the club and it was enjoyable. I am learning not to get overly excited that he has behaved appropriately, because I know that this could change instantly. I am grateful that I'm prepared.

Today, I have my ETHICS AND FINANCE class at CHABAD. I'm grateful that I found this class because I enjoy it.

Nightly Gratitude!!!!

How can I tell you Almighty, how grateful I am for all the things that I did today?? I love you!!! Please continue to protect me!!!!!

Grateful For The Power Within Me

While walking today, on a glorious February morning, for 2 hours, I heard a song thanking the Almighty for the power within me.

I realized that I need to thank the Almighty for giving me the power to survive against all odds surrounded by all sorts of nasty people, I made it!!!!!! I accomplished so much and for this I am grateful to the Almighty.

I really enjoyed that walk and now off to yoga!!!!!

Grateful for Today

Today was Shabbos and it's a pleasure to walk into PJC and have people greet me after years of being ignored because of the threesome.

Tonight I'm going to an afternoon service and study group where I am wanted and accepted. I'm truly blessed and grateful.

Grateful for Shabbos

Tonite is Shabbos and I am grateful for it's spiritual aspect and so grateful to the Almighty for helping me to have activities all week to enjoy.

Good Shabbos to all!!!!!

Grateful for Friends

I went out for dinner with a friend tonight. We went to Hemingway's. We laughed, ate and drank and shared our lives. She is a gal who has a daughter similar to my younger one and also works with me. It was a pleasure to just sit and chat.

It was Thursday, the end of a wonderful work week. I was very grateful to be out and about and when I got in the truck to go home, I called another friend to make a plan for next Thursday.

I'm really happy.

Grateful for Life

My life has changed so in the past 2 years and sometimes when I look back, I realize, strangely so, that I'm grateful.

Circumstances led me to yoga which connected and calmed my mind, my body and and my spirit.

Circumstances led me to meditate.

Circumstances led me to the afternoon minyan.

Circumstances led me to new book clubs.

Circumstances, just recently, led me to CHABAD, where before those same circumstances had led me to Mag Jong.

Dire circumstances led me to therapy which then led me to understand why I became the person that I became. Changes were needed, I made them and life is beautiful.

Thank you Almighty. You tried so hard to get me to see things and thank you because I finally did.

I am grateful for my life.