GRATITUDE BECAUSE I AM ONE PERSON

I woke up early this morning re-living that unveiling yesterday.  I am so proud of myself and so grateful to the Almighty for sending me the right therapist who helped me bring my work personality home so that I am able to cope with challenges.


At the house yesterday, I saw myself as a 20 something and 30 something person, so anxious to fit in with this group and so sad when I didn't.  What control I gave him!!!  He knew all the stories that I wanted to know so badly so that I could fit in.   It didn't matter that I was teaching in the best district in the city or, later on, running a group home school.  That personality stayed at work. At home, I wanted to fit in with this group.


Yesterday, I just watched and spoke when necessary.  I realized that I wasn't at all like these people and had no need to fit in.  His control evaporated.


I did however note, how dressed up he was to attend this.  The disgusting clothing that he wears is just for me.  I vowed to stop commenting on it, but was glad to see it, because the appropriate outfit that he wore for others was done for me years ago, to trap me.


I'm thrilled that I'm one person and grateful that it happened with enough years to live to Gd willing, enjoy it.

GRATEFUL FOR SUCCESS

Today I saw and other people saw that I'm not the same person that I was.  I am calm, cool and collected.  I walked between 6:15 and 8AM and then got ready to leave.


I was quiet most of the day, listening, and smiling as people talked because I have moved on beyond these people.  The younger one asked if I was on valium because I was so calm.


My life has changed for the better.  I am grateful to the Almighty for protecting me and leading me to this place in time!!!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR RESTORATIVE YOGA WITH GISELLE

I took a Restorative Yoga workshop today.  It was wonderful.  My entire body totally relaxed. I also learned very important things.  The workshop had as its theme, self-compassion.  


I learned to "let it go."  This, for me, meant I would let go all of my negative thoughts and appreciate the life that I have created for myself.  That will be hard because I'm so used to thinking negative thoughts about my life with him, that its like a worn out record.  I'm going to try tomorrow. Tomorrow will be like the graduate school of negative ideas. But, I'm tough.  I'm going to do this.   MY NEW CREED:  LET IT GO!!!!!!


I am grateful that I went to this workshop.  It's going to be very helpful.

GRATEFUL FOR FUN

On Fridays, I like to evaluate the week and see what I have done for fun.  I am grateful to The Almighty for this week because there has been fun.  I attended 2 book club discussions and I chose the book for the next discussion and will facilitate the discussion.  I practiced yoga twice this week.  I walked.  I had dinner with friends.  I got my hair colored.  I continued to research a book for Great Books and started the book for my Yoga Book Club.


Today I hope to take the doggie to the dog park to play.


I am grateful too that I realize that I am in a state of grieving for the loss of a relationship.  I can identify whether I'm feeling anger, sadness or acceptance and move from there.


I really understand the Power of Silence and can be quiet around him without thinking about it.


I am grateful!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR MY NEW LIFE

Driving to work today, I got to thinking about the unveiling that I will attend Sunday for his brother.  I got to thinking about the collection of characters that I had to deal with.  


I am so grateful to my therapist for putting the two parts of me together, because the greater part of me is a work personality.   


It would be cruel to say that I'm looking forward to an unveiling.  I'm not.  However, I'm looking forward to seeing how far I have come from all of these people.  I tried so hard to fit in for years, never realizing who I was.  


Thanks to the Almighty because I'm free of all of this!!


Today, I'm getting my hair cut and colored and then dinner with another friend.  Yesterday was yoga, dinner with friends and a book club. 


I'm so grateful!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR THE DAY

I have learned to appreciate each day.  I awake in the morning, thanking the Almighty for my life. I have learned to appreciate nature through meditation and I marvel at what they sky looks like every morning.


I am grateful for all my activities and am beginning to realize how lonely I would be without them. The amazing thing is that under no circumstances would I want life to go back to being the way it was.  Yesterday, I attended a wonderful book club.  Today is my private yoga lesson, dinner with friends and a Sisterhood Book Club.


I negated going to dinner with him yesterday because it's not pleasant for me.  What a realization that was!! 


I am so grateful for my life!!!!!

THE POWER OF SILENCE

The power of silence was talked about in our Bible portion this past weekend.  I had to smile because it is a technique that I use frequently with him especially over the weekend.  But, it is difficult to do and the recovery takes about a day.


I am grateful that I can do this but I need to do it and relax.

GRATEFUL FOR MY PUPPY

I love my puppy.   He gives me unconditional love and I love him right back.  It is so wonderful having him.


I am grateful that he came into my life.  Thank you Almighty.

GRATITUDE FOR STRENGTH

It is so difficult to be around him for an entire weekend, even if I have many activities. He is such a downer. He is also verbally abusive.  He will say something nasty and it takes all of my strength not to answer him.  My theory is that in time, the nasty remarks will fade, but truthfully, I'm not sure. I wanted to thank the Almighty for giving me the strength to survive him.  It's very tough sometimes.  He wouldn't know it because I don't let on, but it's hard.


I am grateful for my strength.

GRATITUDE FOR A DIFFICULT DAY!!!

Weekends can be difficult with him.  He makes no plans.  He has no friends.  We know what he has done to my friends.


It so bothers him if I have a good time with my friends even if all he wants to do is sit home because it's raining.  It bothers him that I comply with his staying home.  It bothers him that I don't complain.  He would love to attack me. That would make him feel better.


I know this and I'm non-confrontational.   I always have a plan.  This weekend, I walked, I read my Great Books, I attended Sabbath services and kiddush,  I relaxed in the sun, I went to my yoga class, I saw a renowned author speak,  I spoke to friends and made more plans.  I enjoyed myself.


But, I was aware that I could be attacked.  I have vowed that this awareness will never leave me. No matter what he said, I didn't react.  I don't tell him who I go with or how much I enjoyed it.


He is driving way upstate to an unveiling next week.  But, all I hear about are his eyes. This is to upset and worry me.  He still thinks that I have anxiety about him.  He doesn't realize that it was grief and that now I'm at acceptance.   So I then start to talk about the pain in my teeth.  He stops complaining because he realizes that I've got his number.


It's a difficult way to live, but, I am grateful that I have strategies given to me by the Almighty to help me cope.

GRATITUDE FOR THE BACKYARD

I took my new chair and after I went to services, and walked, I placed it in the backyard with my I-POD and sunscreen to get some color.


The backyard and the sun were wonderful.


It has been a beautiful Shabbos.

A GRATEFUL DAY

Yesterday was amazing.  I was so grateful to the Almighty.   I had him pick me up so that I could take a Valium and go to the dentist for another implant appointment.   I got the brilliant idea to let him come into my office to see the doggie wall.   He wasn't thrilled to come in at the beginning because he would have to put a decent shirt on.  You could almost smell his jealousy as I had to tell him that it was a wonderful office.  Then he did me a favor and agreed.  The point was to show him, with the Almighty's help that I won't retire.


Then I was grateful when I found out at the dentist that I would be getting temporary TEETH, yes, TEETH, on May 10 at my next appointment.


We went out to dinner.   This is a man who claims that he wants to enjoy life, buy a condo etc.  We had the usual problem with the tip.  If you give the waitress many directions, what's the big deal in giving $3 more after you double the tip????   This is a real problem for him.  As I watched, I visualized the nice people at a new condo and how they would look at him.  Of course we know his whole focus is to meet people so that he can pit them together to fight with each other.




Thanks to my girlfriend, who taught me the power of silence, and to the Almighty who taught me to listen.


I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR MY INTELLIGENCE

I am so grateful to the Almighty for my intelligence.  I have been writing to you in gratitude that these last days were quiet.  However, I did not forget what he could be like and that was a good thing because yesterday, he reared his ugly head again.  


It seems that when he is upset, he tries to upset me and yesterday was no exception.  He claims that one of his eyes is blurry and he may have to have laser surgery.  I told him that this could be done the first week of July.  This is my busy season at work.  It's not an emergency because how did he drive to a winery?  How is he going to an unveiling?  But, I didn't say that.  I just discussed my bonding and my implants.  When he saw that he wasn't getting to me, the conversation was over.


Then we discussed the condo.  I was honest.  It's not a vacation.  It has cooking, cleaning and shopping.  We aren't going on a vacation which I told him, to burn his gut, was fine!  We can run around, says he.  I'm intelligent enough not to believe that.  I'm not living in a dream world anymore.


I went to bed last night very satisfied because I didn't fall for the calm days.  I lived in the present and accepted them for the moment. I never know when the next moment will occur.


I am so grateful to the Almighty for my intelligence.

GRATITUDE FOR THE DAY

I am grateful for this wonderful day.  I am grateful to the Almighty for watching over me.

GRATEFUL FOR A WONDERFUL DAY!!!

Thank you Almighty for this wonderful day!!!!  I am truly grateful!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE

I can't believe that I did NOT post an entry yesterday, BUT THANKS ARE TO BE GIVEN TO THE ALMIGHTY BECAUSE I AM GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE!!!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR THE YEAR GONE BY

I was in shul today for the last day of Passover and while there, and while I was praying, I realized that with the Almighty's help, how far I have come........


I am so grateful!!!  Thank you Almighty for making my new life possible.

GRATITUDE FOR SERMONS

Today was the 7th day of Passover and I went to shul.  The rabbi gave a most wonderful speech where he spoke of HOPE, FAITH and PRAYER as a way to cope with troubles.  I was so grateful for this sermon because he put into words exactly what I believe.  


I was also grateful for the gift of friendship.  I feel so comfortable in the shul with so many friends to talk to.  Thanks to the Almighty for making this happen for me.  It was rough going for a while because of those girls.

GRATITUDE FOR RESPECT

I am grateful that all of this silence and lack of conversation about specific people has made him respectful and thereby pleasant.  I'm not living in a dream.  I know an incident can mar its ugly head at any moment and I am realistically aware of this.   But, I'm using my work voice, enjoying my life and doing things that I love.


Yesterday I walked.  I went to order a paw necklace.  I went to my favorite store to shop.  I had a hair treatment.  We took the doggie for his fifth doggie class.  All done quietly.  Meanwhile I'm talking to and texting friends.


Today I walked for the usual 2 hours.  I had all of my eyeglasses adjusted.  I made the bed and did a wash.  I even spotted the doggie going for a walk with him and showed him my walking route. I put Passover things away.  The end of the holiday is Saturday night.


I am grateful to the Almighty for the respect that I'm being shown at this moment.

GRATEFUL THAT I DIDN'T LOOSE MY TEMPER

I wanted to print a picture today and the printer didn't work.   He said something sarcastic to me and I didn't respond.  I have my own life and agenda and I'm not going to be derailed.  

I wasn't.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this!


I'm writing later because perhaps my new behaviors are working and he is getting to be more decent.  Or, is this an act???  Perhaps dealing with it realistically is better than creating a dream that may not come true.  We will see.

GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE

I can see the fruits of my labor and I am so grateful.  He has accepted my conversation and I am grateful sharing nothing about my friends.


I was grateful yesterday that the periodontist appointment was successful.  I love my doggie's new haircut and my manicure/pedicure are wonderful.


Today, I got to walk before the weather changed and I was so grateful.  I got him to show me where GREAT BOOKS will be meeting on a Saturday in June and I'm thrilled to be going.


Now it's off to yoga and perhaps a dog park.


Thank you Almighty.  I am grateful!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR LEARNING THE POWER OF SILENCE

My silence is not sitting well with him.  How can he verbally abuse me if I'm quiet?  This really bothers him.  However, as I said to him, a couple needs to have pleasant conversation.  Ours was based on upsetting me.  Since I'm now quiet, that had to end.  He's not happy.


He also spoke about NOT going on vacation.  I've already booked a course in a hotel for 2 weekends and I decided after this nice holiday weekend to go to Kirpala with the older one. That's a vacation that I can enjoy!!!


The amazing thing is that now that I'm practicing silence, I have so much time to enjoy the things that I love.


I am though. I'm grateful to the Almighty for the insight.

WOW!!!! SUCH GRATITUDE!!!

Silence Rocks!!!!  Thank you Almighty for allowing me to understand that!!!!!


I rocked all day and it's almost bedtime!!!!!

GRATITUDE - EYES DOWN!!!!

I pulled off a good Seder by keeping my eyes down in the Hagaddah.   I didn't look at anything that they were doing so I could enjoy the Seder.  I am grateful that I thought this up.  At Seder's end, I poured out all the wine that they wouldn't drink.  Drinking is just for bars, I guess!!!


This morning, I made a pot of decaf.   They wanted regular.  Rather than get into a confrontation, I decided to set the table for a second Seder and told him to pour the entire pot out and make what they wanted.


I stayed home from services because I know that he would assist them in treffing the house.


I watched him do his act.  Dressed, friendly, sitting with them.  Think of all the days that I have been ignored.  But, that was the act that I fell for.  I was glad to see it again because then I knew that I wasn't crazy.


That is when the plan came to me that I am so grateful for.  I would do all the things that I do and not get involved with them.  Why hurt myself???  I have planned fun things for myself this week, as my vacation and I intend to have a vacation.


Thank you, Almighty for that vision.

GRATEFUL FOR SILENCES

Thanks and gratitude go to the Almighty for opening my eyes to the power of silence and to my friend for teaching me about ambiguous answers.   This is going to work this weekend as I discuss absolutely nothing of consequence and give ambiguous answers.


I'm smiling because I have a plan.   I have a goal.  I can have new hopes and dreams for myself.  No one will know what to make of this.   It's good.


I walked this morning as it was beautiful.  I thought of so many scenes, but in the end silence and ambiguous answers are the best.


I know it will work.


I am grateful!!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR MY NEW INSIGHTS

I  guess I just wasn't ready to see it.  But, thanks to the Almighty, I now have the ability to see.  I am grateful for my new hopes and dreams.  I will do the best I can with what I have.


While walking this morning, I thought of strategies.  Silence is the best thing that I can do for myself during this holiday.  Abstract answers are good as well as non-ending thoughtful sentences. That's the plan!!!!!


That's what I did all day and it was successful!!  I know what wastes they all are and have new hopes and dreams foe myself.  This enables me not to get angry because it's over!!!!!  I intend to have a great vacation because I'm going to make the best of them from Friday late night until Sunday afternoon.......not long at all!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR MY HOPES AND DREAMS

On this holiday of liberation from slavery, I need to acknowledge my successes and not dwell on the things that I could not accomplish.  I need to acknowledge new hopes and dreams to make my life rich and fulfilling without dwelling on the past.


I need to realize that I succeeded as a person.  I could not succeed with everything because those people did not have the ingredients necessary to be successful in my eyes.  I don't even know where those ingredients came from.  I need to stop beating myself up for this.  I provided home and family.  If there was something wrong with these people, it wasn't my fault.


I need to move forward and appreciate each day of my own life.


I am grateful for my own hopes and dreams.  If necessary I will move forward to change my hopes and dreams to meet each day of my life.


The happiest people don't have the best of everything.  THEY MAKE THE BEST OF WHAT THEY HAVE!!!

GRATEFUL FOR INDEPENDENCE

I went out to dinner with my friends lat night.  These were the same gals that he tried to terrorize and they will call the police if he does anything to them again.


Dinner was over early.  I did not want to go home, so I went to the library and read.  I was wonderful.  Upon arriving home, I overestimated the number of people who had gone out and changed the name of the restaurant.


I am grateful!!!


This morning when my older one asked what time the second Seder started since she would be last for the first, I said, "I don't know........."   I'm learning.


I am grateful!!!

GRATEFUL FOR CONFRONTATION PART II

I thought about it without saying a word.   I confronted him about what a useless marriage this was.  I did it in a non-judgemental/non-emotional way.  I was grateful that I was brave enough to do  this, but, in the end I was exhausted.  Weekends are difficult because when I look at him, I remember all that he did for so many years and I hate him.   


But, then I know that Monday will come again and I am grateful.

GRATITUDE FOR CONFRONTATION

Today was a good day.   I walked, went to do yoga and did some chores.  I thought about confronting him because of his poor attitude towards me and wasn't afraid to do so.  I was non-emotional and non-judgemental because I don't care.  I just wanted him to know that.


I rock.


I am grateful.