GRATEFUL FOR AN AMAZING DAY

I went to evening services last night and had a wonderful, spiritual time. I was really happy and was singing the last bars of Bristol Stomp on the way home.  He was outside with the dog and I thought that he wanted the doggie to go for a ride around the block which is why he was outside. Nope!  That wasn't it.  He wanted to scream about the fact that I went to services.

I never raised my voice.  I did not get angry.  He doesn't matter anymore, so why get upset??  I was so pleased with myself.  And yes, we did go out to dinner.  I was proud that I made nothing of it.  I know that's the way he is and I have built another life.

ANYWAY, THIS MORNING HE APOLOGIZED!   I COULD HAVE MADE AN ISSUE AND DISCUSSED IT, BUT I CHOSE NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT!!!

I went on to have an amazing day filled with walking, yoga at the studio and a manicure/pedicure.  I have an entire life without him and I was so proud.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this.  May this be only the beginning of a HEALTHY AND INCREDIBLE YEAR!  AMEN!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR THE RABBI'S SERMON

I have absolutely no idea why the Rabbi decided to speak about how a person confronted with a stressful situation should let the anger go.  The person should earn from that experience and move forward.  I really listened because that is what I try to do.

I was grateful to the Almighty for being able to hear this sermon.  I vow to count my blessings and not mention the triad.

GRATITUDE: LAST NIGHT WAS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW FAR I HAVE COME

I gave him Thursdays to plan an activity for us because I didn't want him in the Jewish Adult Institute causing difficulty on Mondays.  As is usual for him, last week was a success because it was the first one.
This week was different.  I came home and he spent a great deal of time needling me about Hilary.  Did she call me?  Did she text me?  I answered as I usually do, that, to quote Hilary without any anger because I don't care, " it's all about you." Therefore, she calls him daily as she used to call me walking to or from the train.  It's no longer than that.  He persisted and I went about my business.   I never engaged in direct feelings.
At night I wondered why he kept bringing this up.  And suddenly I had it figured out. He did this with Phil and Jeff.  He reminded them of arguments with their wives, arguments that were long gone.  However, he tried to bring back their rage.  This is what he was doing with me and the girls.  I hadn't fallen for it.

This morning I texted Hilary.  She texted me back.  When he speaks to her, he will realize that we spoke because I mentioned the film that we saw last night.  

This will upset him. He was foiled again.

How far I have come.

I am so grateful to the Almighty for this.

GRATEFUL FOR REALITY

I hope that this New Year will be a good one for me.  I certainly prayed a lot.  I hope that the Almighty heard me and has forgiven me for my sins these last few years since the younger one married Kingsley.

I really enjoyed YOM KIPPUR.  As a matter of fact, I was surprised when it was over.   I learned a lot since July.  I kept my cool these last 2 days when he didn't want to give me my bank account numbers so that I new what to deposit in which account.  Then he arrived at services at 10 and left at 12:30 and my only comment was that I wasn't the "religious police".  I did very well.

I am grateful for understanding the reality of my life and also for really hearing what the Rabbi said in his sermon.  You have to be grateful for what you have and not envy others.

I'm going to work on this. I am grateful for my health, my spirituality, my joy and my energy.  My the Almighty shine on me this year.

Amen!

GRATEFUL FOR THE SPIRITUALITY OF YOM KIPPUR

I was grateful for the beauty of Yom Kippur and the easy fast that I had because I did not have the anxiety of the triad.

May I and all my family be sealed in the Book Of Life, Almighty.  May I remember how to deal with them so they won't hurt me.

Thank you!!!!!

I REVIEWED THE YEAR AND I'M GRATEFUL

It is almost Kol Nidre and as I review the year, I am grateful to the Almighty that I have survived. As a result of what happened to me, I am stronger, am more in control and ready and happy to move on independently with my own life.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this.  Without the help of the Almighty, I might have folded, but He made me strong.  I survived what he did to my friends.  I survived all his bantering about my being responsible for his doctor and being loyal to my friends.  I survived what happened in July.  I survived what those girls did to me.

Thanks to the Almighty, I survived it all and I'm different and better.  I rid myself of them for the holidays and am able to really enjoy going to synagogue and the rest of the holiday.  I'm free to be me.  I call the shots for me.   I'm free and it's wonderful.

I am so grateful!!!!!

GRATITUDE BECAUSE THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON

I am so grateful to the Almighty for the things that have happened to me in the last 4 years especially the last 2 months.  These things have made me the INDEPENDENT PERSON that I have become.

AS a result of this, I am able to RETIRE and enjoy my own life.  If NOT NOW, THEN WHEN???

I am grateful that I have my health and my faith in the Almighty!!!

I am excited to retire!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR THE DAY

I am grateful to the Almighty for this beautiful day.   There is nothing better than to get up in the morning and be able to walk over 2 hours and then go to yoga.

I have joy!!! I have energy!!! I will have a wonderful day!!!!

Thank you, Almighty!!!

GRATEFUL FOR RESTORATIVE YOGA

I am so grateful to the Almighty for allowing me to go to a Restorative Yoga Workshop.  I learned that we are like snakes and have many lives.   We need to do what makes us happy.  Happiness is about having FREEDOM.

I realized as Giselle spoke that I have never had FREEDOM.  Gd willing, in retirement I will.

I was grateful for having attended this workshop!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR REALISM

The summer has definitely changed me.   I am a lot more insightful and realistic.  I no longer create dreams that will not happen.  Therefore, I can't be disappointed.

Last night I did dinner and a movie with him.  That was all.  Dinner and a movie.  I did not feel he would change, life would be better, I was in love, he understood...........or any of that. 

It was just dinner and a movie.

I have moved on.

I'm in charge of me.

I am grateful to the Almighty for finally realizing this.

GRATEFUL FOR BEING IN CONTROL OF ME

I am grateful to the Almighty for allowing me to understand myself.  I am in control of my decisions and I'm very happy.   I can't get over how I re-did the holidays so that I would enjoy them.  I've managed to register for a class at The Adult Institute.  I took my private yoga lesson yesterday.  I don't speak unless I want to.  I am in control.  I received a foolish text from my older one yesterday and will answer it with an equally foolish one.
I am in control of me.

I am grateful to the Almighty!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR THE NEW ROAD

I am grateful for the new road that I am on.  The Holidays were awesome.  They were quiet.  They were spiritual.  They were remarkable.   I did not miss those daughters at all.  I have no pleasant memories of them on holidays.  I did something for myself.

Thank you Almighty for helping me to see the light!!

GRATEFUL TO THE ALMIGHTY

The holiday was beautiful.   I am grateful to the Almighty for the spiritualness of the holiday!!!!

GRATEFUL TO THE ALMIGHTY FOR NEW DREAMS

I am grateful to the Almighty for this New Year.   It will be beautiful and quiet and spiritual.

The day was wonderful.  I did laundry, walked, went to yoga and had my nails done.  Now I'm preparing for Yom Tov in quiet with gratitude to the Almighty for bringing me to this point.  I'm not the same person that I was and that is a good thing.  I have created a beautiful holiday because of what the triad did in July. It's a holiday of spiritual peace. The Almighty guided me to this point and I hope that he continues to guide me.

May I be inscribed in the Book of Life for a Happy and Healthy New Year. May this happen to my family also.  May I have the strength to withstand all that they try to do to me.

Amen!!!

GRATEFUL FOR SHABBOS

I am grateful to the Almighty for the beautiful Shabbos that I'm having.  It's a pleasure to walk in to services and to sit with friends.  The High Holidays will begin tomorrow night and we worked on where we will sit.

I was going to the morning Minyon all summer and have switched to Saturday night services.  I love the beauty of it all and am so grateful to the Almighty for it.

I was also grateful for my walk this afternoon.  The sky was a beautiful shade of blue and I was able to lay in the sun for over an hour.

I am grateful to the Almighty for the riches that He has bestowed upon me.

GRATEFUL FOR DECISIONS

Retirement is looking a lot better to me.  I know how to handle the triad and I should be fine.

I am grateful to the Almighty for the insights.

GRATEFUL FOR THE DAY

I am grateful to the Almighty because the cold that I had is under control.  

Yesterday was an amazing day.  I enjoyed the yoga, the dinner and the book discussion.  All the librarian did was review a summary of the book and I knew when it was time to leave.

I was delighted that he wasn't home.  I completed all my chores, walked the doggie and read.  I was asleep before he returned.  I never worried.

Today, I'm having my hair colored for the High Holidays which I will truly enjoy without anyone upsetting me.

I have joy!!!  I have energy!!!!   I will have a good day!!!!

I am so grateful to the Almighty for watching over me.

GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE

My mantra is:  I HAVE JOY!!!!   I HAVE ENERGY!!!!  I WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!!!

I am so grateful to tell you that I got my new night guard.  My bonding was also fixed.  I knew how to handle dinner conversation.

Today is going to be wonderful.   I have yoga. Then, I'm going for sushi.  I have a book discussion at my library.

As long as I disengage and don't say a lot, life is good.   Let the triad annoy each other.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this.

GRATEFUL FOR UNDERSTANDING

I am grateful that I now understand people.  It makes it so much easier to live and to enjoy life.  There is a calmness to it.  I have no hopes that the triad will get better. I know who they are, what they do and I am grateful for the understanding.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this understanding.

GRATEFUL FOR SUNDAY NIGHT/MONDAY

I am grateful to the almighty because I am definitely learning how to handle the toxic people around me.

I went to the condo with him again because there had been a fire and someone had broken our condo lock.  He was in an exceptionally fine mood, but I was not fooled.  This is just one of his many moods to play, "gotcha."  

I will continue with my quiet voice, always being aware of who is is and what needs to be said and what is left unsaid.

I did realize this morning that it is time to retire.  I am 65.  I will be 65 1/2 when I finally retire.  God willing, I will be healthy.  I will have 31 years and 3 months in the system.  It's time.  I know how to deal with the triad and I will be fine.

GRATEFUL FOR THE WEEKEND

Thanks to the Almighty, this new strategy of a quiet little voice has given me a wonderful weekend.

I was able to finish The Picture of Dorian Grey and begin to read, Unbroken.  On Saturday, I went to services in the morning and then was able to walk.  I spoke to Hilary and finally explained what my life has been like.   I also was able to go to the Selichot services at the synagogue.  For the first time, I went by myself and met up with friends.  I got home at midnight and read for a bit.

This morning, I walked, went to PJC, did yoga, went to Weight Watchers, read the newspapers quietly and even was able to go to the bakery and get my challahs and cake for Rosh Hashana. Now I'm on the computer.

I am grateful to the Almighty for sending me the doctor who explained that my chat-strategy NEVER worked.   Quiet chat about what is right in front on me is the way to go.  It has given me so much more time to do the things that I love.

GRATEFUL FOR MY INSIGHT

I have finally figured him out.  It's about time.   In order to try and control me, every day there will be a new and different mood that he is in.  I'm supposed to react to it.

Initially, I thought up new strategy and the strategies were making me crazy.  Then today, I decided to have NO CHANGEABLE  STRATEGY.   My strategy is simple.  It's a quiet voice and less talking.  It's the enjoyment of the moment.  It's the relaxation of the moment.  It's the calmness that this brings.

I am grateful to the Almighty for my new insight.

GRATITUDE FOR STRENGTH AND PRAYING FOR STRENGTH

It's the first weekend of the new school year.  He has been trying very hard to needle and upset me so that I will get angry.  Then his pattern will be to call 911, the girls and his sister-in-law to carry on about me.  He has already, thanks to one of them given me a diagnosis of BPD.  I will never forget, HI!!!!!!

I have to try very hard this weekend to maintain my "cute little voice" so that he doesn't get to me.

I am praying to the Almighty for the strength to do this.  I think that if I take a deep breathe and know this about him, I will succeed.  I also must remember not to speak when I'm tired and to say that I am tired.  If he makes a new rule, I'm to be quiet until it's clarified like the one about the necklace.  These rules are made to upset me and I have to be careful NOT to react or he's got me.

I'm brighter than he is.  I have him figured out.  

I pray to the Almighty that I will succeed.

GRATEFUL FOR HAPPINESS

I am grateful to the Almighty for my mantra,"  I HAVE JOY.  I HAVE ENERGY.  I WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!!!!

This mantra helps me to connect with myself each and every day.  Yesterday, I went back to my regular scheduled private yoga session.  I was grateful.  I'm reading a good book.  I am grateful. I know how to deal with my enemies.  I am grateful.

Tonight, I'm going out to dinner with friends.  I have learned when to speak and when not to speak.  I am comfortable with myself.

Thank you Almighty for my life.

I am happy.

GRATEFUL FOR MY OWN LIFE

They say that "youth is wasted on youth." In my case, it was so true!!!   I spent my entire life trying to have him understand my dreams and goals.  

In the end, I have come to realize that he has no positive dreams.  He had no positive goals.  His dream and his goal were to tear down yours.

Thanks to the Almighty because I have come to realize this.   I now have my own dreams and goals.  I really enjoyed the Sisterhood meeting last night.  One of my goals was to attend these meetings and I am achieving that.

He is now annoying me to sell the condo.  I had dreams for that little condo. His dream was to tear down mine.  Wouldn't it be better to sell it and move ahead with my own goals???  I'm beginning to think so.

I am grateful to the Almighty for my own life.

GRATEFUL THAT I MADE IT TO TODAY

With all that was going on this summer between him and me, it is amazing that the Almighty helped me to have the wonderful summer that I ALONE DID.  As I've said these past entries, ALL THE THINGS THAT I ENJOYED, I DID ALONE.

The "HI" has helped me to understand that I CAN RETIRE, THAT I KNOW WHAT TO DO IN ORDER TO SURVIVE.

I am grateful to the Almighty that he showed me the "HI" so that I can move forward with MY OWN LIFE.

I am hoping that this is my last year at work and that I stay healthy and can reap the benefits of what I have accomplished to be able to move on to an enjoyable life that I ALONE will create for myself.  It doesn't mean that I wish him harm.  It's just that I now know that in order to ENJOY, I must do it alone.

I can never forget that when he starts, I NEED TO WALK OUT OF A ROOM!!!!!!  

GRATEFUL FOR THIS SUMMER

I am grateful to the Almighty for the many things that I learned this summer.   I believe that the Almighty must have been so frustrated with me and that's how "HI" happened.  I learned a lot from that.   I learned to walk out of the room at the slightest showing of ranting or bantering. But, most of all, I became free of the 3 people who have held me down.  I can now be independent without thinking of others, the way that was brought up to do.  This morning, I told him that if there was an emergency, he could call the main office of my school.  My goal with him was to have him hold off  speaking to me on the phone, since he has perfected a phone voice, and to work on "face time," when I came home.  I am grateful that I did not extend an invitation for the High Holidays to the girls because they don't want to come anyway and just felt an obligation.  I freed up the holidays.

As a result of all this and the many fun activities that I have had all summer, I have decided to retire.  I think that "HI" was the Almighty's way of making this happen.

As I took my walk this morning and reviewed my summer, I was grateful for what I have learned and happy that independently, I will have a future, God willing.

GRATEFUL FOR THE LAST ACT

I didn't expect this.  I came home from walking to find him in a major hissy fit.  He thinks that he is having a heart attack and he's doing the act!!!!!!   I was going to go to yoga, but I realized that he wouldn't let me do it and would be a drama-queen and create an entire act.  What did I do???

For my last act, I cried, LOUDLY AND SCREAMED TOO!!!! Some of the crying was real because it had to do with pent up anger that I didn't want to keep inside.  

AND THEN A MIRACLE!!!!!  He felt better.  I told him that "MY DOCTOR" said that I shouldn't stay in a house filled with stress, so I went on errands.  I weighed myself at WEIGHT WATCHERS which I planned to do, bought goodies there and went to CVS and bought more interesting things.

Leaving the house is costly.

Anyway the act shut him up for a while.   Tuesday is work and I'm FREE!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR THE ABILITY TO MOVE ON

I am grateful to the Almighty for allowing me to understand that I must begin to move on with my own life if I am to survive.   I have buried the old dreams and have moved forward.  Sometimes that can be hard, but I am going to make it.  I'm going to do this quietly so that I can fully enjoy my life.

I wish I had known this sooner.  However, I did what I thought was best and do not feel guilty about my choices.  I had nothing to work with which made it all the more difficult.

However, I am successful and have built my own quality life despite the odds.  I am grateful to the Almighty for this.

GRATEFUL FOR MY NEW INNER AND OUTER VOICE

I am grateful to the Almighty for all the insights that I have had this summer. Although I do have to mourn the 3 people of the past and my relationship with them,  I am looking forward to the future and my new understanding of a relationship with them.

It won't be the same.  However, it will be real.  It won't be my dream.  It will be reality.  This will help ME to move forward to enjoy the person that I have worked so long and hard to become.

I did the best that I could with the 3 of them and now the time is MINE!!!!