GRATEFUL FOR TODAY

It was a wonderful idea to take the day off yesterday.  I am so relaxed today.


I know exactly how to live life, how to deal with him and I am grateful.


Summer is coming. Weekend is coming.  


I am grateful.

GRATEFUL THAT I TOOK THE DAY OFF

I had to take a personal day today.   It was either use it or loose it, so I took it.  I planned well for myself.  I walked, did some errands read 2 newspapers, played with the dog and now I'm on the computer.  Later this afternoon, I have my private yoga lesson and then my course.


He went to the library to hear a comedian.  He asked if I wanted to go.  I thanked him, but said no thank you.  I resent him for never doing anything that I want to do, so why be bothered doing things that he wants to do?


This wasn't my idea of marriage.  It was his and now that he made the rules, he can live with them.


I am grateful that I took the day because eventually, I will retire and I need to see what it's like.


Truthfully, it's boring!!!!!!

GGRATEFUL FOR RELAXING/UPSETTING HOLIDAY

I am so grateful for this relaxing Shavout.  I have finally learned the art of saying very little and that in turn, has given me time to do so many wonderful things for myself.   I say what has to be said, but, don't fill up the air with chatter than can be used against me.


I also learned from one of my close friends, the art of agreeing.  By doing this, we eliminate conversation and arguing.  That also gives me free time.  This is a good thing.


I have learned from this holiday that the Almighty is always in my life. I don't feel alone.


While walking today, I realized that I got myself into this.  I saw things, but chose to ignore them.  Thank God, I built a life that I'm proud of.  I'm not proud of all of it, but proud of much of it.


I gave myself the evil eye at the end of the day and I got stuck.  My girlfriend, the one where he called Roto-Rooter, in her dead husband's name has a new grandson.  H overheard the conversation and he wanted to know who this was.  It took me hours before I told him.  I discussed our relationship as well as consequences of his actions.  It all fell on deaf ears as I knew it would.  He threatened to not tell me what my daughter, not his as he is sterile, says when she calls.


I don't care about that.  He promised not to do anything to my friend, but who knows?  He's crazy.

GRATEFUL FOR THE SHAVOUT STUDY SESSION

Last night there was a late night study session at our synagogue as part of the Shavout holiday.  We had 3 speakers who talked about how they remained Jewish even in the midst of adversity. I knew 2 of the ladies.


One made a deep impact on me.  She spoke of being hopeful and having strength and a deep belief in the Almighty.  That rang a bell with me and it's going to be my new matra:  HOPE AND STRENGTH WITH THE HELP OF THE ALMIGHTY.


One of my friends then explained to me how I should not react to everything he says and then he can't have power over me.


SO FAR THAT IS WORKING ALSO!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR STRENGTH

It's Shabbos!!!


I am grateful to the Almighty for my strength.


I will survive!!!

GRATEFUL FOR FIGURING IT OUT BEFORE SUMMER

This is the beginning of Memorial Day Weekend.    


I will be strong.


I will be safe.


I know what I have to do.  I figured it out.


Thanks to the Almighty for his help.

GRATEFUL FOR THE DAY

Today I am getting my hair colored and cut.  Then I'm taking me out to dinner and I am working on my new attitude.


As long as I have a plan, I'm all right.  I guess that is everyone.


Thanks to the Almighty for the strength I need to carry it through.

GRATEFUL FOR MY NEW ATTITUDE

I am going to concentrate on what I'm grateful for excluding all mention of him because it's not helpful to me.   His aim in life is to upset me and spending my life being proud that he didn't is not the way I want to go.


I spent a lot of time crying today.  He stored garbage in a cabinet and then left it open for me to see.  I was miserable. It even destroyed part of my yoga lesson.  


I needed a plan.  I decided to expect anything and to get even less involved.


I hope that the Almighty will help me to make it work.

GRATEFUL: THE DOGGIE IS FINE and I'M FINE TOO!

I am so grateful to the Almighty that my doggie is fine!!!!!


Later we will discuss my teeth.


My teeth are fine.  The bonding is loose, but it didn't break!!!!!


I am grateful to the Almighty for this!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR SUCCESS

I had a wonderful weekend!!!  By myself!  With myself!!!  Nothing that he said or did bothered me. I knew everything that he was going to do or say.  


For example, I knew to put my chair in the front after services to get color because people were around and he wouldn't open his mouth like he could do in the back.  I was right, but you could see how upset he was not to upset me.  I'VE GOTTEN USED TO SILENCE ON THE OTHER HAND AND WAITED FOR A TOPIC THAT DIDN'T PRESENT ITSELF.


I set out things that I wanted to do and did them quietly.  I was so relaxed. 


Even when we went to dinner on Sunday night, because I politically had to do something with him, I knew how to act.  I didn't answer when he told me that he should have died.  I knew that this was to upset me.  He doesn't say this to others.  Then he said that his brother's wife saved his life.  I didn't answer.  I knew where it was going.


It's as if I memorized his script.


I am grateful to the Almighty for success.


I know this is true because today is Monday, and I feel spiritually relaxed.  I now have a plan to survive.  I'm grateful to the Almighty for the insight.


More to follow later...........


Now, I'm at work.   I'm relaxed because the weekend was  a good one for me.


I am grateful to the Almighty, but I NOW KNOW THE STRATEGIES TO USE!!!!! 

GRATITUDE FOR A FIRST FOR A SUNDAY!!!

I succeeded in doing EVERYTHING that I wanted to do by being in the moment and realistic!!  I even said what needed to be said!!!!!   I didn't react to anything he said!


I'm proud of me!


I'm grateful to the Almighty!!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR A WELL THOUGHT-OUT PLAN

Good Shabbos!!!!


So far, today's plan is working.   I went to shul and prayed my little heart out.  I had kiddush with friends.  I read The NY Times.  Now, I'm going to have lunch and get some color. I'll write more later..............


It is now 4:30.  I got a beautiful tan, with sunscreen of course.  He came outside also.  I let him bring up topics, but because he is a hidden man, there weren't any.  Good for me.  I was listening to music.  He brought the puppy and i used the hose to cool him down.   Now I'm getting ready to walk.   More later...........


I walked from 5PM to 7PM enjoying every moment.  I met my neighbor and spoke with them for a few minutes. We ate dinner and he asked me if I had heard from them.  I know that he was expecting a negative response.  It wasn't there. Sorry!!!!     I asked him what we were doing after dinner.  He told me that he was going to sleep.   I then told him without emotion that we weren't watching the movie.  He asked if he would like it. I said that I didn't know but that it was up to him.  (Brilliant idea, putting him in charge.)


Anyway, we are watching the movie........more to come............


The movie was excellent.  It didn't follow the book, but it was really good.   He hated it. I had no comment.


A new strategy is born.  Let him bring up the topic!!!!  Then I will decide what to say.

GRATITUDE FOR SHABBOS ON FRIDAY NIGHT

Almighty!!!!  Thank you so much for this Friday night!   I am so grateful. First, I got to take Matzah to the dog park.   Then I got to walk for over 2 hours.   I made Shabbos dinner.   I made tuna fish on the George Forman, corn and broccoli with a salad and fruit.


I got to light candles and make the kiddush.     I got to make blessings and then eat.  I helped him to clean up.  Now, I'm going to sleep.


All is right in my world tonight.


Good Shabbos.  Almighty!  I am so grateful.

GRATITUDE FOR A WONDERFUL WEEK

On Friday's my custom is to evaluate the week to see what worked and what didn't so that I can make positive changes for myself in the week to come.


Mother's Day, last Sunday was not successful at all.   It needs to be dropped or re-structured.  It gave power to people who didn't deserve it and it upset me.  I need to give up all dreams and expectations for these daughters and move forward. I need to remember who they are and what they are not.  I will definitely work on this.


The evening book club at the library Monday night, was a huge success.  I enjoyed discussing the book and found it to be a worthwhile experience.


I did not go to work on Tuesday.  I went to the eye doctor and with gratitude to the Almighty, the check up was good.   It was going to rain, but I managed to get in my week day hourly walk. I enjoyed the Yoga Book Club and was delighted to discover that next month's discussion will be held in the evening.   I went to the cleaning store and brought in my winter clothes and  set up my closet for Summer.   In the evening, I went to the Sisterhood Fashion Show and sat with my friends. How good it is to have friends!!!   Did I mention that I won a gift certificate to a Japanese restaurant and a bottle of Chanel Perfume?   I did mention the prizes to him later, but I did not discuss my friends with him.   What he doesn't know, he can't destroy.


I went to a Curriculum Meeting on Wednesday.  I went proudly because my maps are very good.  I had my private yoga lesson after work,  and can now do a shoulder stand!!!!  I can do anything that I set my mind to.   I went to dinner in the restaurant that I like and read my yoga book. Then I went to my Chabad class. We had a wonderful discussion and it was suggested by 2 new friends that we go for coffee afterwards.  I couldn't, but I might next week.


I had a deep conditioning for my hair on Thursday.  I am attending a computer training next Tuesday, so I asked him if he wanted to go for a dry run and then out to dinner.  He said yes and it was a pleasant experience.


Today, my plan is to take the puppy to a dog park and then walk for my usual hour.  I'm going to relax this weekend as I ran around all week.  After services tomorrow, I plan to lay out in the backyard.   I left it to him to find a movie and decide whether we should go out to dinner.  I know that he is not capable of this and as I expected I can happily eat home and watch the film that I rented. I'm sure that he will look to attack me.  I'm used to this and know exactly what to do.


I am so grateful to the Almighty for watching over me and giving me a wonderful week.

GRATITUDE FOR THIS YEAR

I have time now and so I thought that I would make a list of the new things that I have done.  Here  goes:


*  I took a course with my 3 friends at the Adult Institute with Rabbi Rank


*  I continued my private yoga lessons.


*  I added a course in Restorative Yoga.


*  I continued to take the Beginner Yoga Series every Sunday.


*  I walked every day from 1-2 hours.


*  I made dinner plans with friends.


*  I went to services every Shabbos morning.


*  I attended the Afternoon Service at PJC.


*  I registered for and attended Chabad courses.


*  I continued with the Sisterhood Book Club and Syosset Library Book Club.


*  I attended the Yoga Book Club.


*  I facilitated book discussions.


*  I attended Yoga Workshops.


*  I listen to Yoga music and meditate.


*  I attend Sisterhood functions.




I have continued to change and grow.  I am grateful to the Almighty for this and I'm proud of myself.

GRATEFUL FOR THE DAY

I had my private yoga lesson and I did a SHOULDER STAND!!!  It was amazing!  I'm beginning to see what my yoga books have been saying.  In order to move forward, you have to have faith in yourself.  I realized that if I could do this, I could accomplish a lot.  I'm not going to be tough on myself.  I'm going to be the best person that I can be.


Dinner was wonderful.  I went by myself to the same place that I went to last week and really enjoyed it.  It was so much better than going with him.  It was more comfortable and friendly.  That may seem strange since I was alone, but I was relaxed and really enjoyed the experience.


I went to my class last night after dinner and we had a class discussion that really rocked.  I declined the offer to go out to the diner afterwards, but I might do it again next week.


I am so grateful to the Almighty for these enjoyable experiences.  Alone, with him, with my "fantasy" of a couple, there never was any joy.  I spent my life defending myself!!!!! 


Now, I just enjoy each day!!!


Today, I'm going for a deep conditioning and do some errands.


I am grateful that the Almighty gave me the strength to survive.

GRATITUDE FOR MY NEW LIFE

My new life is evolving and I am learning to be grateful for it.  I'm slowly making changes.  Each time I get hurt, I realize that I must change my expectations and move forward and that really helps. It helps to finally realize that my dreams are not shared by everyone.  I can only dream about setting and accomplishing my own goals.  I can't expect anyone else to feel the same way.  I find myself much happier as a result of it.


On Mother's Day, I made the mistake of having expectations and dreams that exist only in my mind.  That will never happen to me again.


As I move forward, I am changing my dreams and expectations of others and I am a lot happier as a result.


I am grateful.

GRATITUDE FOR TODAY

Thanks to the Almighty, my eye checkup went well.  I do have the beginning of a cataract in my left eye but the doctor said that it will be about 5 years before it becomes bothersome.

I got to walk.   It was the only hour that it didn't rain.  

The yoga book club was wonderful and next month's will be on an evening.

I made up with him. It will be quiet for a while.

Tonight I have the Sisterhood Fashion Show.  It will be wonderful.

I am grateful for today!

GRATEFUL FOR THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF HEALTH

I got a lot of work done today.  When I'm upset, that's usually what happens.  Those women are a problem and so is he,  and the problem for me becomes, how to deal with them???


I pondered this all morning while I worked re-living their history.  I believe that I have the solutions to the problem.  HERE THEY ARE:


THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF HEALTH 




PLAN NOTHING!!  Let them plan what they want to do.




WANT NOTHING!!!  In this case, they can't disappoint you.




ASK NOTHING!!!!!!  You won't get the truth at all.




SMILE!!!!  That can be very deceptive.




DO NOT RETURN CALLS!!  Why pretend that we like each other?




RETURN CALLS SPORADICALLY!!!  It's always good to confuse them.




DO NOT DISCUSS THEM WITH HIM!!!!  He is the enemy also.  He's always looking to defend them and if you say nothing, what is there to defend??




DISCUSS ONLY YOUR LIFE IN A GLOBAL WAY!!!   This way you will learn nothing about them.




BE QUIET!!!




KEEP BUSY!!!




I am grateful to the Almighty for this solution!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR MONDAY, AS USUAL!!!!!

I am grateful this morning because I was more pro-active with myself.  We are not making a reservation at Kripalu until after his PET SCAN.   I hope the scan will be good so that I can have a summer that is quiet.  However, it sounded like a good reason.   I also told her that I would take her up on her offer to pay for part of the trip.  Hopefully we won't have to go.  I'm burned out from all of this.  I'm tired of being sad every time that I see them and my hopes are dashed.  I'm still waiting for 3 years to sleep over at her apartment again.  That won't happen.  I did nothing wrong except didn't want to take Molly out.   


I figured out how to do Father's Day because he won't defend me.   At home!  With salmon!!! Choke on it. I'm in charge of me now.


And it's Monday.


Weekends are hard.  Especially Sunday afternoon.   I need to come up with a plan.  With the Almighty's help, I will.


Thank you almighty for Monday.

GRATEFUL FOR REALIZING THE TRUTH

Thank you Almighty for this day.  I was able to survive it and as a result of it, I'm NEVER doing Mother's Day again.  All that happens is that I get hurt. For the last 2 years there was no Mother's Day.  The first year, he got sick and was in the hospital.  The second year was his brothers funeral.  This was the third year and I had a feeling about this based on what happened during my birthday  (I have now cancelled my birthday with them.) when neither one came for Hanukkah and both celebrated Christmas.  My birthday gift was a gift certificate to Kripalu where I could take her and yelling at me in the doorway of a restaurant because I was disgusted that Jews could do Christmas.  I had reservations about this, but..........


I thought that this would be better.  It wasn't.  The older one purchased Yoga Cleaning Fluid for my mat because I like to clean!!!   The younger one gave me Nothing!!!  But, both got taken to a very expensive restaurant.  Why did I choose that place?? I felt safe because I knew with the older one there, we would leave a decent tip, I wouldn't have to yell and the police wouldn't be called on me.


So in reality, Mother's Day became me taking them out.  What's wrong with this picture???  I knew the truth and I perpetuated it.  I couldn't sleep.  Why do I set myself up for things like that?  It could be Hope!   It's time to move on. I know the truth.  Now I must act on it!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR SHABBOS

Today is my Shabbos.  I am so grateful to the Almighty for it.  He doesn't come because he had nasty things to say about lots of people there and it was ruining the experience for me. That is what he did.  He didn't pray, just disturbed me. That is until I was brave enough to ask him why he came and then he didn't come anymore.


Now I can experience the Almighty, the prayers the people, the kiddish,  and a quiet meditation without being disturbed.


I am grateful.


The weather is beautiful.  I came home and have already read the newspapers.  I am going to relax in the backyard and then walk.


I love Shabbos.


I am grateful for this day.

GRATEFUL FOR MY WEEK

As is my custom, on Friday, I review my week and am grateful for each day.  On Monday, I got a mani/pedi.  On Tuesday, I went to Restorative Yoga.  Wednesday was my private yoga lesson and my Chabad class.    Yesterday I got my temporary implants.


I am grateful to the Almighty for watching over me.


Tonight is Shabbos.


I am grateful!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE

I had a wonderful evening last night.  First, I had my private yoga lesson where I actually began to learn to do a shoulder stand.


Then I went to a great restaurant, had dinner, by myself because afterwards I was going to my Chabad course, THE ART OF MARRIAGE.


I awoke in the middle of the night and used yoga breathing to go back to sleep.


Why is this titled, GRATEFUL FOR THE QUALITY OF MY LIFE ?  I realized that I am leading a happy life and have been successful in many parts of it.  With the Almighty on my side, I am a complete person.  No matter what he tries to do to me or the children try to do, I have a life.  If I were to retire, I would still have that life.  I've worked hard for it.


I'm grateful.  I feel very spiritual and I have the Almighty to thank for this.

GRATEFUL FOR MY NEW LIFE

Each time I think about the life that I have created for myself, I am so grateful to the Almighty.


I feel no ill will towards my parents or him.  I accept my fate, but I'm so grateful that I've lived to see this stage of my life.  I hope that he lives for a long time because I know how to handle him.

GRATEFUL FOR BEING POLITICAL

At a certain age, one has to learn that one can no longer teach people by using consequences.  One has to be political.


I am grateful that I have learned this!


We are NOT going to the dog park on Sunday and out to dinner, NOT because it is too much, but because I didn't want to.  The older one wanted to go, but I'm still waiting to sleep over and so I decided not to go.  I was very political.  I just said that it was too much.


On Sunday, I told you that he had been nice.  I told you that it wouldn't last.  Last night, he began to make snide comments about my friend's husband, the same husband he had pranked that cost me all that money in therapy.  I was political.  I didn't answer.  I just said that people gossip in small towns.


I was political.


I'm grateful to the Almighty that I have learned this.

GRATEFUL THAT ITS MONDAY

It was a lovely weekend.  He was quite nice which made it harder.  I have to be very careful NOT to fall into the NICE TRAP.  It's tough for me because I would like to put the dream to bed, but then if he's decent, the dream re-awakens and then I'm left to remember all the evil he has done.   He's very manipulative.  One must always be careful of that.  He knows exactly what he is doing.


So far, I succeeded.  I even earned a little sympathy.


It's hard to live like that.


I'm grateful that it's Monday.


Work is like a vacation.

GRATEFUL THE WEEKEND IS OVER!!!

Whatever I do by myself, I am grateful for.   When I'm with him, it's a stretch!!!!  I did a good job this weekend revealing nothing but now the weekend is over.


I am grateful for success in not saying anything that didn't need to be said!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR SHABBOS

Synagogue!!!!!


Prayers!!!


Kiddush with Friends!!!!!


Walking!!!


Dog Park!!!!


Dinner and movie!!!!


Thank you Almighty for a wonderful Shabbos!!!


I am grateful!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR MY WEEK

Friday night is Shabbos.  On Friday, as is my custom, I like to review my week.  I am grateful to the Lord for giving me a work filled and fun filled week.  I am also grateful that it will be Shabbos so that I can relax.


On Monday, I had dinner with one of my friends.  Then I met a group of other friends for dessert. On Tuesday, I worked at school because it was PASTA NIGHT.  On Wednesday, I stared my new class at Chabad.


Last night, I had dinner with my yoga teacher.  What a wonderful night that was.  And amazingly so, she paid for it because now we are guaranteed to go out again which is what I wanted too.


I am grateful to the Almighty for protecting me and giving me this wonderful week.

GRATEFUL FOR MY NEW CLASS

Yesterday I started a new course at Chabad.    The Rabbi welcomed me and the I found the first session very interesting.   It's a 6 week class.  I will be able to go to yoga for a private lesson,  have dinner in the diner and attend class.


I am so grateful for this.


Tonight I might have dinner with my yoga instructor.  If not, I'll go it alone.  


Either way, I'll have a good night.


I'm going to the bank today to take out my Mother Ring. I may order another one. We'll see.


All these things are fun and I'm grateful!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR HOW FAR I'VE COME

I'm very proud of myself as it says in the title for how far I've come and the different and exciting things that I do.  However, there are times that I feel sadness.  I know that this is a stage of grief, but occasionally I do have a pity party thinking of the dream that I have burst and missing it. I know that it was a dream that was in my mind and never real.   I move forward and all this is going on inside of me.  I feel alone and wish that I had someone in my life.  I can't help thinking that there will be someone new someday.


Last night was PASTA NIGHT.  I had a wonderful time.  He didn't go.  To be controlling, he went through, "I'm going.....I'm not...."  "I'm going.....I'm not....."  Finally when he decided to go two days ago, I told mim that it was all sold out!!!!!!   He couldn't go!!!!!!


I had a wonderful, fun filled time. However, I couldn't help but look at couples.  Men looked like men.  I know from stories told to me by friends and colleagues that their husbands, lovers are normal.  I thought, "WHY ME?" Then I buried the thought because that could be so destructive.
I was asked where he was and I said that he was suffering a depression because of his illnesses. That wasn't it.  He is suffering from the loss of control.  I saw that loss of control when we went to the dentist and I asked him to see my office.  He couldn't give a compliment because he was jealous.


When I got home he was asleep.  I started some simple chores and there he was.  I suspected that he wasn't sleeping but would love to blame me for waking him up.  I gave him no satisfaction.  He asked how OPEN SCHOOL NIGHT was and quickly re-corrected to PASTA NIGHT.  I said good.  I said that he was missed.  That was politically correct.  He wanted to know by who and I said, "PEOPLE."  There is no sense in giving him names that he can curse.  He gave up and went back to bed.


In the morning as I suspected, it would not be discussed.  But, I smiled inwardly because I knew that I had hit another milestone.  I would never have to bring him anywhere that I could get to.  That's fine with me.


I hope the Almighty will grant me good health to continue to work.  I am grateful that he does these things so that the Almighty can help me to make informed decisions.

GRATEFUL FOR MY NEW LIFE

Yesterday was Monday.  After work, I met my friend  for dinner.   Then I hooked up with other friends.    I didn't get home until 9:30.  The story I told was that a group of school people went out to dinner.   It was fine.


I am so happy to have friends and to have a life.  I'm grateful to have things to look forward to.


Tonight is PASTA NIGHT.   He is not coming.   He was coming, he wasn't coming.   All this was done for control in order to get a rise out of me.    I didn't react at all to anything he said. Finally we left it as he wasn't coming.   We are up to 174 people so that two nights ago when he decided to come,  I had to say that it was closed.  I'm proud of me.


I will have a wonderful time tonight.


I am so grateful for this life.