GRATEFUL FOR HOW FAR I'VE COME

I'm very proud of myself as it says in the title for how far I've come and the different and exciting things that I do.  However, there are times that I feel sadness.  I know that this is a stage of grief, but occasionally I do have a pity party thinking of the dream that I have burst and missing it. I know that it was a dream that was in my mind and never real.   I move forward and all this is going on inside of me.  I feel alone and wish that I had someone in my life.  I can't help thinking that there will be someone new someday.


Last night was PASTA NIGHT.  I had a wonderful time.  He didn't go.  To be controlling, he went through, "I'm going.....I'm not...."  "I'm going.....I'm not....."  Finally when he decided to go two days ago, I told mim that it was all sold out!!!!!!   He couldn't go!!!!!!


I had a wonderful, fun filled time. However, I couldn't help but look at couples.  Men looked like men.  I know from stories told to me by friends and colleagues that their husbands, lovers are normal.  I thought, "WHY ME?" Then I buried the thought because that could be so destructive.
I was asked where he was and I said that he was suffering a depression because of his illnesses. That wasn't it.  He is suffering from the loss of control.  I saw that loss of control when we went to the dentist and I asked him to see my office.  He couldn't give a compliment because he was jealous.


When I got home he was asleep.  I started some simple chores and there he was.  I suspected that he wasn't sleeping but would love to blame me for waking him up.  I gave him no satisfaction.  He asked how OPEN SCHOOL NIGHT was and quickly re-corrected to PASTA NIGHT.  I said good.  I said that he was missed.  That was politically correct.  He wanted to know by who and I said, "PEOPLE."  There is no sense in giving him names that he can curse.  He gave up and went back to bed.


In the morning as I suspected, it would not be discussed.  But, I smiled inwardly because I knew that I had hit another milestone.  I would never have to bring him anywhere that I could get to.  That's fine with me.


I hope the Almighty will grant me good health to continue to work.  I am grateful that he does these things so that the Almighty can help me to make informed decisions.