GRATEFUL FOR LIVING A REAL LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am living a real life that is balanced.

I lived a real life outside of the house all my life.   I lived with fear, strategies and emotional abuse when I came home.  Now that is gone and I am free to combine both lives.

I feel such joy in this from the moment I wake up in the morning until I go to sleep at night.

I have a wonderful morning routine with Matzah.  I make plans during the day.  I am calm, quiet, and peaceful.

Yesterday my friend Karen visited.  I went to therapy.  I did chores.  I watched television. I spoke to friends.  I made plans.  I read. This is a real life.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this.

Thank you.

GRATEFUL FOR BALANCE

My intention today is to be grateful for a balanced life.

GRATEFUL BECAUSE I AM BALANCED

I am grateful to the Almighty because He has made my life a balanced one.

When I grew up and while I was married my life was definitely not balanced.  I had a wonderful life both times outside of the house.  

I was emotionally abused in both houses.  I had to create strategies to keep myself safe. I did a lot of crying until I learned to hide my emotions because it gave my abusers joy to make me upset.  My mother said that any comment was "for my own good."  The man I married said "I am always miserable.  You are always happy.  I want you to be as miserable as me."  He created nonsense arguments to satiate himself as he was a psychopath and I cried.  I went to work with red and swollen eyes never knowing what I was arguing about.

When I left the house I became a totally different person and I had joy and fun outside both houses.

Now my abusers are dead.  

The two parts of myself are integrated and I have joy both inside and outside the house.  I balance chores and fun.

The Almighty has given me a balanced life.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR THE BREATHE AND BEING

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am alive and am able to enjoy all the beauty in the world.

I am grateful for my breathe, my health and being.

I am grateful for avoiding triggers.  Yesterday Stephen made another phone call BUT left a message that said DON'T CALL BACK which I have no intention of doing.

People who didn't suffer from PTSD/DEPRESSION as I did have no idea what a blessing it is just to get up, feel tired and lie down again without the feeling of being stared at or verbally attacked if you stay too long in the house.

Life is a blessing and I intend to make the most out of each moment.

Yesterday I went to The Apple Store, played with my new I-PAD, spoke to friends, made plans, read the paper and watched The Good Doctor on television.  I made a plan with my friend Leslie from ABSOLUTE YOGA.  I brought back WEIGHT WATCHERS.

I am grateful to the Almighty for my breathe and my being and for allowing me to have a rich life.

Thank you Almighty.

GRATEFUL FOR GETTING RID OF TRIGGERS

I am grateful to the Almighty because I believe that I have gotten rid of Stephen the trigger.

I didn't answer the phone.

When I went out with Margie for Mexican food,  I took the phone off the hook.

He didn't call this morning.

I'm FREE!!!!!

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful!!

GRATEFUL FOR KNOWING HOW TO DEAL WITH TRIGGERS

I am grateful to the Almighty because I have learned how to deal with triggers.

Yesterday was a beautiful Sabbath.  I read my newspapers,  I read my book and I enjoyed each and every moment.

Today I was rudely awoken at 7:30 by Stephen who has not called me in 3 months.  (It was supposed to be 6 months.)  He left a message saying not to call him back.   He even called on my cell phone.  Memories of the way I was treated at home flooded inside me and then left. Memories of the way he treated me when I married made their way in also.  Memories of the way that he treated me this entire year came back too.  Then these memories left and I moved on to live in the moment.  My life is peaceful and quiet now and I intend to keep it that way.   He just called again telling me that he would call me back tonight...........

I have learned a lot from therapy and I intend to keep it that way.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.


PS   I did have a wonderful day as I now know how to deal with triggers.  I spoke to friends ad also bf.  I put gas in the truck, finally went to Weight Watchers and I gained 3 pounds.  No more dessert for me!!!!!  I got the car washed too.  I went to Dunkin' Donuts and bought coffee. Then I read the papers.  I even managed to begin putting my new I-PAD together.

I'm very proud of me and grateful to the Almighty for all He has done for me.

Thank you!!!

GRATEFUL FOR THE NEW NORMAL.......A PEACEFUL SABBATH

I am grateful to the Almighty for the new normal that I am living as it brings me a peaceful Sabbath.

I am not yet ready to go to services but I have the Almighty in my heart and I am grateful for a peaceful Sabbath.

I was always so uncomfortable preparing Shabbos when he was alive.  We ate in the dining room to make it more festive.  He objected because it was too much work.  However, I was doing the work.  He would fling off his skull cap after I made Kiddush and he would mumble the blessing.   

Saturday morning he would call Ellen at 9:00.  I had already left for services.  There was a time that I cajoled him into coming to services at 10:30 because I saw other couples there.  He came and proceeded to create an issue by saying, "Good Shabbos," to Rhonnie at least ten times if she didn't answer him.   At home, like the psychopath that he was, he proceeded to interrogate me about what Rhonnie did.  I would sit on the kitchen chair and try to explain her to him.  After he was satiated he walked away.  Finally I said that since he didn't believe in the Almighty he didn't have to come to services.  He didn't.

What began was questioning me when I came home from services.  Who was there?  What did they say?  I made up stories and soon started to tell him what we read in the Torah in a quiet voice.  That wasn't what he wanted and soon he left me alone.

The rest of the day he was silent except to tell me how bored he was.  He would object to going out Saturday night until I felt there was no need to go.

I AM NOW SO HAPPY WITH MY SABBATH.

Friday night I light candles and proceed to bless the wine, wash my hands and bless the challah.

I have my dinner quietly in the kitchen watching my new television.

Saturday is a peaceful, spiritual and quiet day.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this.

Thank you.

GRATEFUL FOR THE PEACE AND CONTENTMENT IN MY LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty for peace and contentment in my life.

It is such a joy to wake up quietly in the morning because I can then decide whether to stay in bed or not.  My daily routines can be changed at a whim.

It is a joy to quietly do my morning chores with Matzah and to quietly have breakfast while texting friends or watching television.  

Yesterday I went to therapy and told Judith this.  I have never been a person who wanted a trillion things.  I was willing to pull my own weight.  I just wanted life to be quiet and peaceful.

I am content just being me and breathing.

Thank you Almighty for the peace and contentment in my life.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR EACH NEW DAY IN MY NEW LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty for each new day that I am alive.

There are chores.  There is fun.  I am enjoying each and every minute.

My morning stomach ache is gone.

I feel safe.

I no longer create strategies to survive.

Yesterday my friend Karen and I went to Best Buy,  a store that I have never been to and I purchased an I-PAD.  I will be going to the Apple Store for lessons to learn to use it.  I used my American Express points to do that.  Then we went to a Mexican restaurant in Plainview that was mobbed and I treated her to dinner.  She has been so supportive in my time of need more than anyone would do.

I watched another new television show called Pure. I really liked it.  I love my new television. I am finding these shows when I read Newsday.

Today I have therapy and I need to go to Fairway.

There is joy in each day in my new life.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR REST

I am grateful to the Almighty for being allowed to rest.

I no longer have to arise at 6:30am and leave the house before 8:15am to avoid needling and bantering, or a confrontation or "good morning Ellen, sweetheart."   

I can arise when I choose to.  Today I got up at 8:30am because I am free.  I no longer need strategies in order to be safe.

I love myself first with compassion.

I play even when I'm doing my chores.

I try to have positive thoughts all day.  I value the concept of NUTS.  I am aware of negative thoughts that are unconscious which can cause me to be depressed.

I have a morning routine too which even includes drinking coffee, watching television, and laying on the sofa reading the paper.

I watch a television program that I choose to watch every night.

I am grateful to the Almighty for my new life.

Thank you.

GRATEFUL FOR A NEW DAY

I am grateful to the Almighty for a new day with all of its possibilities.

I've gotten into a new routine slowly and I keep tweeking it to make it exactly what I need and want.  I have joy in doing this because there is no one to abuse me.  For example, I arise when I want to and maybe lay down again.  I've changed my breakfast routine and my shower routine. I talk to friends on the phone and make plans. I watch television programs with Matzah. This gives me great joy.  I've been meditating too and reading my spiritual books.  How this happened, I don't really know, but I have a "boyfriend."  He's a fellow that Ive known since 5th grade.  Imagine that!!!

Today I'm having lunch with friends and dropping books off at the library.

I have chores to do that I enjoy.

Everything is done quietly and in the moment.

There are no strategies involved in any of this and no fear.

I am grateful to the Almighty for all that He has given me.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR APPRECIATING MY NEW LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty because I appreciate my new life.

This morning I slept until 8AM.  There was no fear of being abused.  No one could stare at me or ignore me or make a snide comment.  There were no phone calls that started with, "Good morning Ellen sweetheart....how are you?"  I did not have to get up at 6:30AM to leave the house by 8AM to walk outside or at The Home Depot.

I arose.  It was 7 degrees outside.  I took care of Matzah and had breakfast and took my medicine.  I retrieved my newspapers from the driveway and went back to sleep until 8:45.   

I drank coffee, ate blueberries and watched my new television.

I laid on the sofa with Matzah and slowly read the papers.

I texted and spoke to my friends and my daughters.  I know who they are and I accept what they are.

Later I will read my book, work on my puzzle and clean a dresser.

Life is so good.

I so appreciate it Almighty.

Thank you for making it possible.

GRATEFUL FOR THE ABILITY "TO BE"

I am grateful to the Almighty for the ability "to be in the moment."

I slept late today after watching a wonderful film on LIFETIME last night, a station that I never watched because I didn't know that it existed.

I arose after 9AM and proceeded to do my little morning chores.  As a child I was insulted if I slept late and as an adult, with Martin,  I ran the risk of needling and bantering so I never stayed in the house passed 8AM.  I either went to The Home Depot to walk or walked outside and then went to practice yoga.

Now I can just "be."  I must say that this is difficult because I've never done this but I am so willing to learn and to just "be."

Today I will read, meditate, practice yoga and breathe.

I am grateful to the Almighty for making this happen for me.

Thank you.

GRATEFUL FOR FEELING FREE

I am grateful to the Almighty because I AM FREE FROM ABUSE.

I am living in the moment and enjoying each one.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR PEACE AND QUIET

I am grateful to the Almighty for the peace and quiet that I am experiencing in my new life.

Yesterday I had my hair colored........I now have a giant pink streak across my hair.

I went shopping at Fairway because two major storms were coming late yesterday into today.  The second one will start on Saturday night with snow.......then rain........and when the temperature drops there will be ice.  It will last Saturday night into Monday.

I went out for Thai food with my friend Margie and came home last night to peace and quiet.  I did not have to make up stories in order to be safe.

Today I slept later and shoveled snow.  I read the newspapers and spoke to John, "the boyfriend."   I spoke to a number of my friends too.  I read my book.  I'm collecting tax information also.  

I lit candles and had my Shabbos dinner quietly.

My daughters who are both triggers tried and they failed to upset me.

It was a peaceful and quiet day.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR MOVING FOWARD

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am moving forward.

I need to focus on TODAY.  I need to see the POSITIVE and keep moving FORWARD creating more and more situations that help me feel safe and that bring me further and further from the PAIN and TRAUMA of my PAST.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEUL FOR LAUGHTER

I am grateful to the Almighty because I can laugh again.

My abuser is dead.

The house is mine.

I came home from Bingo and Sangria and told my friends about it and laughed and was at peace.

I am grateful to the Almighty because I lived to see a day when there are no "strategies" and no "survival skills" that I need to use when I come home.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL TO THE ALMIGHTY FOR MY NEW LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty for my new life.

The inside and outside Arlene are coming together.  I no longer fear coming home nor do I have to create strategies to be safe in my own home.  I enjoy living each day which is a first for me.

I have friends that aren't afraid to call or make plans with me.  I have fun.

I feel like a greenhorn in my own town experiencing the wonders of the town.

I have a boyfriend too!!!!!

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend which was a first to me.  We created a plan where we will have lunch every Tuesday.  

I got a manicure and went to my Sisterhood Executive Board Meeting.  

Today I'm having brunch with Jay.   I'm going to therapy.  In the evening I'm going to Sisterhood Bingo with Sangria. I'm reading again.  I'm watching television too.  How's that for fun?

I am so grateful to the Almighty for all of this.

Thank you!!!

GRATEFUL FOR PEACE AND QUIET

I am grateful to the Almighty for the peace and quiet in my life.

I can be.

I can breathe.

I can look at the world around me with joy.

No one can upset me.

Yesterday I did chores and errands in peace and contentment. I was not afraid to be in the house in quiet.  I even watched a television program on my new set in the bedroom.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE LEARNED FROM THERAPY

I am grateful to the Almighty because He sent me to therapy and I have learned so much.

Yesterday was Remi's first birthday.  The party was held in Great Neck at her in-laws house.  I learned a lot about self-compassion and so I asked for a ride going and coming back.  I know who my triggers are and I avoided all that would be upsetting to me.  It's time that I didn't do the work since when I did, nothing was appreciate or respected.  I succeeded in that also.  I came home and read, worked on the computer and spoke to friends.

I had a good night's sleep and I even woke up earlier.

I'm very proud and happy with all that I have learned.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR ALL THAT I LEARNED FROM DEPRESSION/PTSD

I am grateful to the Almighty because I learned so much from the major depression the I am first coming out of and from PTSD.

I have learned to treat myself with compassion.

I have learned that I come first.

I have learned that I don't have to work to gain someone's love.  Either they care about me or they don't which is fine.

I will continue to learn as I move forward.

Today is Remi's first birthday party.   I have learned that I can be a guest and don't have to do all the work and I still can have joy.

I have learned that the girls although not related to him learned a lot of his negative behaviors and they are my triggers.

I am grateful that with everything that happened to me, I am 71 and healthy and ready to begin a new life.

I had a date with John Fleitman last night.  I had so much fun.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this.

Thank you.

GRATEFUL FOR A NEW MANTRA

I am grateful to the Almighty because I have a new mantra that I say every morning.

It is simple and hopeful: 



MAY I BE HEALTHY.

MAY I BE CALM.

MAY I BE CONTENT.

MAY I BE AT PEACE.

I HAVE JOY.

I HAVE ENERGY.

I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR A NEW DAY

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am alive, healthy and happy on a bright, cold and sunny new day.

My abusers are dead.

I am free to cry and get all the toxins out of my body.  When I cried and they were alive the creature called "mother" would call me Sarah Bernhardt and the creature known as "husband" would  be satiated with delight.

I am free of them.  I am free to be happy.  My mind is not cluttered with strategies to survive time with them.  My mind is not looking for what can be done to me.  My mind is not looking for safety.

I am safe.  I am free.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR MY SURVIVAL

I am grateful to the Almighty because I have survived my psychopathic abusers......the father, the mother and him.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR BEING FREE

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am free of my abusers.

The one that I lived with was, according to my therapist, Judith, a creature......a predator who used me as his prey.   He is dead.   The abusive father who told me that, "dog that you are, no one will ever want you," is dead.  The abusive mother who took you to the drapes, opened them and told you everything that was wrong with your body for your own good is dead too.

You are free from abusive.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR CRYING

I am grateful to the Almighty because each morning I cry and toxins are released.


I held in my tears for 70 years while my abusers were alive.  They took joy in the fact that I was crying and they could continue to mock me.  I cry now to release those toxins that are stored in my mind and body.

Thank you Almighty.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR THE ALMIGHTY AND THERAPY AND MEDICATION

I am grateful to the Almighty for so many things.

I am grateful to the Almighty because I survived my abuser.  I will never refer to him by his human name again because he was a creature and a predator and I was his pray.   I chose him out of all the others because he had the qualities of my abusive parents.  I wanted them to love me and I wanted him to love me.

None of it ever happened.

I went through a horrific depression for many months because of how I was treated both by parents and him.  Neither daughter assisted me.  They learned a lot from him and became very much like him even to the point that they try to abuse me.  I'm not burning my bridges but I am very careful.   I am not working to have them love me.  I am treating myself with compassion.

I found 2 wonderful therapists and I am learning a great deal.. I am on 125mg of ZOLOFT and .5MG of ZANEX. I have been diagnosed with PTSD which lead to major depression.  I am slowly combining the person I was outside the house with the one I am inside.

I had no idea that he was a psychopath and a sociopath.  I thought that he just lacked social skills but that wasn't the case.  I am lucky that I survived after he had me locked up in NCMC and tried to kill me on the Jackie Robinson Parkway.   

I survived 70 years of abuse according to my therapists.  I have an index card from Kyra that says this.

I now have friends and activities.  I am so grateful.

I finally know that I am free and that each day is a vacation.

I will write more daily.

This is a beginning.

Thank you Almighty for caring about me.

I am grateful.