GRATEFUL FOR MANTRAS

I am so grateful to the Almighty for learning MANTRAS that will serve me well in my daily life.

This morning, he drove me to work.  I have to go to the dentist this afternoon.  My bonding is loose and I'm sure that it will break. I have to be careful about conversation because ANYTHING can ignite a spark.  I remembered my MANTRA:  LET GO, FULLY!!!   LOVE YOURSELF, DEEPLY!!!  and that really helped me to get through the morning.  I found idiotic conversation to fill up the time.

I remember what happened to me with him at this very time last year while going to the dentist and IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN!!!

More later.....................................................

Later happened almost as soon as I wrote this.  The appointment was canceled and I had to reschedule.  This in itself is not a big deal, but it is to him because he drove me.  He was furious.  I used my cute little voice.  I didn't explain and I didn't get angry!!!!!

I called later to tell him to pick me up later to go to PETCO and the mall.  Why should my day be a total loss?  We're still having tofu for dinner!!!!!!

The day is mine!!!!!


And I got to go to PETCO.  And I got to go to the mall.   And as I suspected, he didn't want tofu, so we went out to dinner.   I kept my little voice.

Thank you Almighty for mantras!!!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR THE HAPPINESS IN MY LIFE.

I am grateful to the Almighty for the happiness that he has given me in my "new life."

Last night I went to a wonderful Restorative class and invited a friend of mine to go with me.  It was a very enjoyable experience.

I have been practicing what I learned in the Restorative workshop on Saturday.  I find it to be extremely important because it is very calming.  In the morning, when I get up, I have added it to my mantra.  I find that thinking about this and visualizing this is very helpful in looking forward to a pleasant day.   After I say my prayers and repeat my manta:  I HAVE JOY!!  I HAVE ENERGY!!! I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!, I now ask myself the three questions and remind myself to work on them during the day:

* HOW HAVE I MADE MY HEART SING?*

* HOW HAVE I LOVED MYSELF DEEPLY?*

* HOW HAVE I FULLY LET GO?*

If I find that I haven't done any of these things, I stop and re-group.  For example, last night when he wanted to start an issue, I thought about these three questions and moved forward.

I have started to use a lavender oil.  It's smell is very calming.

I find that as a result of all this, I have much more time to do the things that matter to me.

I am thankful and grateful to the Almighty for happiness.

GRATEFUL FOR RESTORATIVE YOGA AND REIKI

I am so grateful to the Almighty for sending me REIKI and RESTORATIVE YOGA and giving me the ability to EXPLORE!!!

I went to a REIKI CIRCLE last night.   I learned about meditation and healing of myself. It was very powerful and also very spiritual.   I will go again!!!

The philosophy of RESTORATIVE YOGA is something that I needed to hear and something that I needed to hear and to internalize.  That happened to me at this last workshop and I've been working on it.

How do you change from within?

First,  I learned about mantras.  I have one:  I have joy!  I have energy!!  I will have a good day!! Whatever happens to me, or whatever is said to me, I repeat this to myself.  It works.

Then I learned about intentions.  My intention is to have a calm day.  I know it and I work on it. It changes all that I do.  I am grateful for it.

Lastly were the 3 questions that I learned.  After I say my morning prayers and thank the Almighty for a good day, I repeat these questions.   They are in the forefront of my mind daily, guiding me to reach my goal:

      * How did you make your heart sing today?*

      * How deeply did you love yourself today?*

      * How fully did you let go today?*

If I can do this, I will be truly blessed with calm and quiet.

Thank you Almighty for this awareness!!!!


    

GRATEFUL FOR AN AMAZING SUNDAY

I am grateful to the Almighty for the amazing Sunday that I had yesterday.

I did so many enjoyable things.  I could actually feel my heart soar.

I loved myself deeply as I did each thing because I was so proud of myself for moving forward.

I have learned to firmly LET GO of whatever doesn't serve me.


It just wastes my time.

That's what made the day perfect!!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR RESTORATIVE YOGA

I am so grateful to the Almighty for RESTORATIVE YOGA this weekend with Giselle.

I can't believe the three questions that I have learned to ask myself daily!!!!


* How did you make your heart sing today?

* How deeply did you love yourself today?

* How fully did you LET GO today?


My mantra is as follows:   I HAVE JOY!!!  I HAVE ENERGY!!!  I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!   

My intention today is:   I WILL BE CALM, COOL and COLLECTED in the face of adversity.


I am grateful to the Almighty for sending me my morning prayers and also for allowing me to EVOLVE FROM WITHIN!!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR PURIM FESTIVITIES

I am grateful to the Almighty that last night, I attended the reading of the Purim megillah. 

I brought him along with me.  I was delighted to see how many people I knew, both men and women.  They were all happy to chat with me.  I believe that he was astonished!!!!

I am grateful to the Almighty for my life!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR RESTORATIVE YOGA

I am grateful to the Almighty because I went to a  Restorative Yoga workshop with Giselle yesterday.

Her notes are always awesome.  Today's topic was:  EVOLVING FROM WITHIN.  I really learned a lot. I believe that it will help me in the mornings especially during unstructured days like vacation or summer days.

I'm going to think about these 3 questions before I go to bed and when I get up after I have said my prayers.  The questions are listed below:

WHAT MAKES MY HEART SING?  (Of course this will help me to choose an INTENTION).

HOW DEEPLY DO I LOVE MYSELF?

HOW FULLY AM I ABLE TO LET GO?  

Thank you, Almighty, for sending me to this workshop!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR CURBING IMPULSIVITY

Tank you, Almighty, for giving me insight into impulsivity.

It's not easy, but as we approach the Spring, and especially the unstructured Summer months, I need to come up with a plan to keep me safe.

It's not enough to have things to do, as I saw last Summer.  What is needed and this is what I'm doing now, is a careful look at myself to see how to keep myself safe.

One of the things that I have been working and I might add, successfully on is QUIET.  I have learned what to say and what not to say.  I have learned to be THOUGHTFUL so that I can say things like, "THAT's INTERESTING."  " I WILL HAVE TO GIVE IT THOUGHT."

Seen months have passed since that HORRIFIC DAY, JULY 31st!!!!!

Now, I'm working on something else........CONTROL AND IMPULSIVITY!!!.I'm not impulsive, but I am a problem solver.  I always believed that relationships could improve.  BUT, NOT THIS ONE!!!

My most vulnerable time is when I get up.  I am emotional and my THINKING BRAIN is still sleeping.   Therefore, I'm working on CURBING MY IMPULSIVITY and being QUIET in the morning.   

This is especially true in UNSTRUCTURED TIME such as a VACATION or SUMMER TIME.

This is what he is looking to do and believe me, he is waiting to attack.

HOWEVER,   QUIET,  CONTROL and CURBING MY IMPULSIVITY should do the trick.

I'm starting NOW to work on these issues.

Thank you, Almighty for this showing me this!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR THE LIFE THAT I NOW HAVE

I am so grateful to the Almighty for giving me the determination and support to create the life that I now have.

I would never give up this new life.   It is filled with wonderful activities and people.  It makes me feel so relaxed each day.  

I am truly living my mantra each day:  I HAVE JOY,  I HAVE ENERGY,  I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY.

This new life has made me so much more peaceful as I go about the business of work and fun.  I am much happier and complete.

I thank you,  Almighty for all you have given me.

GRATEFUL FOR KNOWING HOW TO "PLAY POKER"

I am so grateful to the Almighty for knowing how to play poker, that I am smiling!!!!!!!

We had a plan to go to look for wall paper for the dining room and then go out to dinner.  Last night, I made healthy tofu on the George Forman and steamed vegetables for dinner.  It's a dinner that he hates, but he hates everything.

I had just come home from a wonderful, fun filled private yoga lesson with Leslie and was excited about going to PJC for BINGO and SANGRIA.

While we were eating, I asked him where we would be dining tomorrow.   It was an ordeal for him to tell me.  Lately, I guess to upset me (which has failed also) he has negated every restaurant that we have gone to.  Finally, he chose one.  But then he was upset at throwing away good tofu which we could eat tomorrow!!!!

I said that I could make it for my lunch and that seemed to satisfy him.

I went to BINGO and had a wonderful time and won prizes.

When I came home, I thought about his comment that it was a shame to throw out good tofu.  This morning, I set the table, prepared vegetables in the steamer, and told him that I understood that he didn't want to throw out tofu and we would have it for dinner.

You should have seen his face!!!!!

He accused me of being sarcastic because he naturally would not take responsibility for what he said. However, I reminded him that last night he had said that he didn't want to throw out good food and so this morning I set the table and prepared the vegetables.

He was not a happy camper.

Be careful what you wish for.

Thank you Almighty for giving me the ability to play poker!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR NEW BEGINNINGS

I am grateful to the Almighty for all that I have been through since July.

It has made me a more competent and stronger person.  As a result, I am able to think of retirement and new beginnings.  I have no fear in me because I know how to respond.

I am grateful to the Almighty for his help and his watching over me.

GRATEFUL FOR CHANGE

I am grateful to the Almighty for the change today.

I don't have to go to the dentist.  The hygienist got sick.

Although he does have to pick me up, I get to go to my yoga class.

I'm so happy.

GRATEFUL FOR LEARNING HOW TO HAVE A QUIET WEEKEND

I am grateful to the Almighty because I finally understand how to have a quiet weekend.

I had a wonderful 3 day weekend because I knew which roads I didn't want to go down and didn't go down those roads.

I know that I had a relaxing weekend because I feel relaxed here at work. If his harassment had gotten to me, I would be exhausted and teary-eyed at work.  I'm smiling, even though you can't see it, because I know that I am capable of retirement because I will be safe.  

I am also smiling because he has started a new campaign.  That is, he is trying to conjure up fear in me by telling me which doctors he has to see in the near future.  I am laughing because he has again told me that the pacemaker moves.  He makes a great actor as he shows me how incapable his body is of moving.  He groans very well except when he is on the phone.  He doesn't even like to make his private calls around me for that reason.  I do very well with all of this.  I'm quiet.  I watch. I learn.  I'm non-emotional.

And what does all this do?  It encourages me to have a life of my own.  I'm enjoying every minute of that.

I'm so glad that he nixed the idea of looking for a condo yesterday.   It is not only because I got my Passover shopping started.  It is because I really don't want to get myself more entangled with him then I have to.  He's helping me not to get entangled by placing a carrot out there ( that I pretend I want, but don't) and snatching it away.

His reason for not looking for a condo was that it was cold.  That reason allowed me to run around alone and enjoy what I was doing while I agreed that with CHF, it was cold.

Meanwhile, I get to have a life which is wonderful.

Thank you Almighty for my wonderful weekend.

Today, I have to go to the dentist.  My bonding is loose.  I know it will break which will give him an excuse to carry on. 

I know this an intend to be calm and quiet.  I'm smiling as I write this.

Thank you Almighty for the ability to understand him, react appropriately and not get involved.

GRATEFUL FOR THE LITTLE THINGS!!!

I am grateful to the Almighty for all the wonderful little things in my life.

I am thankful that I have learned to appreciate all of them.

Although it was a cold day, I was up early and I went to HOME DEPOT to walk.  I walked for 1 1/2 hours.   The sky was absolutely beautiful.

Then I was off to ABSOLUTE YOGA to do a LEVEL ONE CLASS with LESLIE.  I had no idea that I would be doing this class.  Initially, I thought that I was going to WESTHAMPTON to look at condos.  He had actually contacted a broker and she had made plans for us to see condos.  He decided that he didn't want to go because it was too cold and he has CHF.  That is his excuse to confuse me.    He probably thought that I would be upset. Wouldn't that be fun for him if I was upset???  What a surprise when I said that I was going to a yoga class.

It was a wonderful yoga class.  I really looked into myself to explore my body.

I am grateful to the Almighty for making me strong to be able to find a life made up of all good things.

I read both newspapers and when I shut down the computer, I will read my book. 

Then it's off to start the Passover shopping.  When he asked if he could go, I innocently asked how he could go if he had CHF.  I can play this game too.

It's been a beautifully quiet weekend filled with all good things.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this.

I so enjoyed Passover shopping.  I met a fellow from my book club,  a former student and a gal that I worked with.

I came home, unloaded and set up everything.  I was overjoyed that I had gotten this done.  I told him not to help me since it was cold and he had CHF.  Was he annoyed!!!!!

I told him that we couldn't go out to dinner because it was cold and he had CHF.

I did this all in MY NEW QUIET VOICE.   He told me that he had had a boring weekend.

I, on the other hand, had a wonderful weekend filled with PJC, walking, 2 yoga classes, a movie, shopping and my book. 

What could be better????

Thank you, Almighty, for this weekend.

GRATEFUL FOR STRENGTH

I am so grateful to the Almighty for my strength.

Even when I feel myself sliding, I pull myself back because I am strong.

Yesterday I got a text message from the older one "reminding" me of all the activities that we have to schedule.  These were activities that go back to 2006 that she never wanted to do.  She wants us to meet her boyfriends parents and is going to "give me" the kitchen sink so it looks like we have a good relationship.  The boyfriend is just like her father, only worse. 

Initially, I engaged him in conversation asking why she would do this.  When I saw that I was getting nowhere, I regrouped.

This morning I told him that I decided to go.  I have no intention of doing this.  I just wanted the TRIAD off my back and guess what,  SUCCESS!!!!!

I walked at Home Depot because the snow hasn't melted.  I went to my yoga class.

So far, it's been an excellent day.......

More Later........

I managed to read my 2 newspapers and start the next book for another book club.  I also went to get a manicure/pedicure and I chose the color RED!!!!!!  The doggie went for a grooming.  We were to meet back at the house at 6PM to see if we were going out or I was cooking. 

I'm getting very good at figuring him out.  We had made a plan, contacted a broker in Westhampton to look for a bigger place.  We were going tomorrow.  I came home from the manicure/pedicure at 6PM.  Was I going out to dinner or not?  He decided to stay in and so I'm making a chicken for 8PM.   I didn't say anything and I put the chicken up.  He wanted to know if I was angry that I was cooking.

He would love for me to get angry so it could start again.  That didn't happen.  I also knew that he wasn't buying another condo.  He was upset that I didn't get angry.

His plan didn't work.


Tomorrow I will walk and attend a Level One yoga class.

Then I'll start the Passover shopping.

Like I said at the beginning of this, I'm grateful to the Almighty for strength.

An evening addition:  I made a most wonderful dinner for myself and he decided to discuss the prospective condo.   My answer????  You got this money through a lawsuit.  It's a decision that you have to make.  Naturally with an answer like that, he was screwed!!!!!

Thank you Almighty for strength.

GRATEFUL FOR WISDOM AND STRENGTH

I am grateful to the Almighty for my wisdom and also for my strength.

What do these two things have in common, so much so that I have placed them together?  I always knew that I was bright and I thank the Almighty for that.  However, I have also become wise in that I know what to say and what not to say.  I know that there is a road that I don't want to walk down and I am wise enough not to.

The Almighty has given me strength so I am able to control the desire to speak. Speaking what I feel, in many cases would lead me down a road that I don't need to travel on.

Not traveling down that road has given me calm and quiet.  It has given me the time to do things that I enjoy and to explore many other things that I would like to do.

This is not to say that it is easy. I always give my opinion to people I trust and like and enjoy being with.  I am careful around those that I think of as my enemies.  I am grateful to the Almighty for knowing the difference.

GRATEFUL FOR CALMNESS

I am grateful to the Almighty for the amazing calmness that I feel and it's not because I am wearing lavender oil.

You have taught me to be in-charge of myself.  I am doing a really good job.  I don't comment on anything or everything that I don't want to.  I enjoy everything that I choose to.  I don't believe anything he says.  I accept any gift because I deserve it.  I don't have hope that he will change. I don't have dreams about him.

I learned what yoga has taught me.  I have a mantra that I follow:  "  I HAVE JOY!  I HAVE ENERGY!!  I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY!!"   I don't allow anyone to get in the way of that!!!!

I say my prayers.  I credit the Almighty for teaching me.

He has no clue about this and for that I am grateful. 

We are approaching another weekend.   I have internalized all of my strategies.  They have become part of me. 

I'm going forward without fear.

I am enjoying all of my activities.

I am grateful for the calmness I feel.

Thank you, Almighty!!!

GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE

I am so grateful for the life that the Almighty has given me!!!

I saw that yesterday when I had a wonderful private yoga lesson with Leslie.   I saw it when I met friends and went out to dinner.   I saw it when I attended my book club last night.

I was grateful that I took a chance and drove in the predicted snow.

I saw this when he told me how much he cared about me and I decided to live in the moment.  My intention was JUST for today and I am happy.

I saw that I have learned so much about myself and I am so grateful to the Almighty for this new and beautiful life!!!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR INTELLIGENCE

I am so grateful to the Almighty that I am intelligent.

It was that intelligence that kept me afloat growing up.  It enabled me to do well in school.  It enabled me to structure my summers to keep myself busy.  It enabled me to get little part time jobs to make a few dollars.  These parents NEVER gave me money and shopping was over once I stopped growing.  Intelligence helped me to escape their abuse.

This intelligence allowed me to create a wonderful fulfilling career for myself.   It made me understand that it the school career that has kept me afloat.

It is amazing how I was treated growing up.  As I think about it now, there were so many mixed messages....I LOVE YOU,  I HATE YOU.  YOU ARE GOOD, YOU ARE BAD and so on.  It's a wonder I achieved as much as I did.

It was the Almighty that kept me afloat.

I married a man just like my parents who was jealous of me and gave me the same mixed messages. However, I kept myself afloat.  Work, courses and activities took me out of the house and gave me a life.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this.

Last night, we went out and he professed all sorts of love and all sorts of apologies.  I kept myself non-emotional and I was very proud of myself.  I didn't believe a word of it.  I also didn't react.  That was a major accomplishment.

Using my intelligence to keep quiet has also saved me.  He is reading that book that a patient of the older one's wrote thanking her for helping her to get over a psychological experience.  I think back to that fateful day when she sent him that website on Borderline Personality Disorder to help him to deal with me.  How do you diagnose someone over the phone.  By sending him the website, she chose sides.  It made it easy to be done with her.  Since one can't do that with family, I play a very elaborate game.   I won't read the book because I think that she must be a terrible therapist.  However, I pretend in a non-emotional way, to have read it.  I don't talk to her because I don't want to hear her voice.  Texting works fine......

This is how I use my intelligence with this group.

Since July 31st, I have kept myself safe and have succeeded in being non-emotional with them. They are so arrogant that they haven't a clue.  

It works for me.

Thank you Almighty for giving me the intelligence to figure this out.

GRATEFUL FOR CONTROL

I am grateful to the Almighty for the control that I have been showing when I am around him.

It ha been difficult.  Due to the snow, I am around him a lot as I have not given up my activities. He drives me where I have to go.  For this, I am grateful.   The flip side is that he doesn't miss a beat to banter and I know that one answer will take me down a road that I don't want to go.

I'm not a machine and sometimes there are cracks in the armor.  But, after I make one comment in answer to a banter, I quickly draw myself back.  

For example, I happened to say that I hope my bonding doesn't break when I go to the dentist next week.  That gave him the opportunity to banter about the dentist.  It's a worn road, so I answered to explain about the structure of the bonding.  As I was explaining, I saw myself go down that road, and I pulled back.

He is reading a book, where my older daughter is quoted by the author because she had a brain injury.  He thinks that she is a wonderful therapist and because we are stuck so close, it takes all my willpower, not to say anything. I remember what she pulled on July 31.   I succeeded but it takes a lot of strength to do this.

I mentioned that I gained weight.  He didn't miss a beat and told me that it was the wine that I drink.  The fact is that through yoga, I have a mantra, (I HAVE JOY, I HAVE ENERGY, I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY) and an intention to have a good day and because I am in control of me, the weight has gone back to normal.  It takes a lot of will power not to answer. 

In the long run, I am grateful to the Almighty for my calm, cool, collected nature.   I'm sure that he would have loved to have an issue, but alas, he failed. 

I would like the snow to melt because some things never change and this is a good example of it.I could see that he felt he wasn't winning, because he hoped that he wouldn't have to drive me tomorrow.

ME TOO!!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR BEING A POLITICAL PERSON

I am grateful to the Almighty for being a political person that thinks things through and creates strategies.

This morning he had to drive me to work because of the freezing rain advisory.  I kept the conversation very global and made sure that I didn't answer his bantering.  I know which road to travel!!!!

I am judging that I did succeed this weekend because I am feeling very relaxed today and it's a work day!!!!!

And a wonderful work day it was!!!!!

He is picking me up after school.  I asked to go to a jewelry store of his choosing to pick out a simple necklace for me to wear as a  Valentine's Day gift.  He agreed.  I am not letting my guard down.  Where will this lead??

He chose a heart surrounded by diamonds.  It is beautiful.  I do not feel guilty accepting it when I get it.  I have been through too much.  That is the kind of person he is.  I still have my quiet voice because who knows what will happen next.  

I need to remain Calm, Cool and Collected because  with one swoop of a tail, an entire load of milk is on the floor.

IT'S MIDTERM TIME

This weekend, I will take a MIDTERM EXAMINATION for the entire weekend!!!!

A major blizzard is predicted.    I will have to spend the entire weekend with him.  There will be no where to go!!!  Let's see how I do.   With that in mind, I'm going to number the events and then figure out the percentage.    Let's see how I do.  I will consider a grade of 80 or above as a good one.

l.   I went to dinner with him.  I had to change the tip and add one dollar.  I did so without a word.

2.  The older one called with her "egg story" and her "Passover Story."  I didn't react and made  
up a "midget story."

3.   I went to a meeting of a new condo going up in town.  All the people who ignored us because of our dis-functional children were there.   He made bantering comments.   I didn't respond.  I expected and ignored it.

4. He drove me to work because of the impending blizzard.  He made bantering and insulting "jokes" the entire drive.   I didn't respond nor did I become angry.  I expected and ignored it.

5. The lights went out.  He wanted to go to a hotel, but I kept my calm and quiet voice saying that I didn't want to drive in the blizzard.  I made dinner.  AND THE LIGHTS CAME ON!!!

6. He was very grateful to me that we didn't go to a hotel and voiced that.

7. This morning he actually hired 3 men who had taken down our backyard trees to shovel the driveway and steps so that I would not have to do it.  He said that he felt bad that I did this 2 years ago and he knew that I would do it again.   He paid $90 which is unheard of for him.

8. It's almost 6:12 and Shabbos is over,  I had to shovel the lip after the plow came through, but I found 3 young men to finish the job.  I read my book, listened to yoga music and relaxed.  I imagine that I taught him quiet for TODAY,  because he was........no bantering or teasing.

9. Dinner was a success.  Black and blue tuna w veggies.  Conversation about how people are interested in only themselves.  I kept it very global!!!!!  Now a NETFLIX film and days end.......good job.........there's always tomorrow.   So far, I get a 100%!!!!!

10.  We watched the NETFLIX film, DRIVE.   It was a no-brainer, but I was very relaxed. He received a phone call during the film.  It was from Ellen.  He told me a bit about it, but it didn't break my concentration.  He didn't understand the film.  It's not my business to explain it.  Off to sleep.

11. I woke up at 7:30. I had a wonderful night's sleep.  Today my studio is open.  Off to yoga. I asked and he will take me.   

12. He tried to banter about a bad hip this time.  Last time it was an elbow. I counted with ad very quietly that I need a list of his medications.  He gave it to me but asked about why I mentioned that I needed this in case he had a stroke.  I know that he is trying to make me anxious.  I just said and very quietly, I might add,  that I want to be prepared.  I think he will be quiet now.

13.  Yoga was wonderful!!!!!!  He did pick me up from the studio.  He has no idea where or who the people are that I know.  I like it like that.

14.  I have listened to all the negative, nasty comments about neighbors and the older one's boyfriend.  It is to my credit that I haven't said a word.  I have realized that this would take me down a road that I don't want to travel.

15. I was reading, listening to yoga music and had lit some candles. a bulb blue out in a fixture and he was going to replace it.  But, he had to tell me where the light bulbs were in case he wasn't here.  He never misses a beat to create anxiety.   I didn't answer.

16.  I made a wonderful dinner and since it was the end of a weekend that I really did well at, I decided to tell him that there was no point in looking for another condo if he won't be here. You should have heard him squirm!!!!!


I MUST SAY THAT I DID EXTREMELY WELL THIS WEEKEND. WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE EXPERIENCE IS THAT THETE ARE ROADS WITH HIM THAT I DON'T WANT TO TRAVEL AND I DIDN'T!!!!!


GRADE-  100% on the MIDTERM

GRATEFUL FOR INNER HAPPINESS

I am so grateful to the Almighty for my inner happiness.    

I didn't know that after I hit rock bottom on July 31st that I would build myself up with the Almighty's help and actually feel inner bliss.  It is truly amazing.

 I came home yesterday from an awesome yoga private lesson.  Even Leslie noticed the difference.  I used to say, " I can't," and now I really try.  It's like I'm a new person.  I see life very differently.  I'm really very calm.

I tested myself yesterday.  I stayed home after dinner.  I was tired. I wasn't afraid that he would get me because that is so over.  As a matter of fact, he did try yesterday to mention, "why do you have those friends" and he never got a response.

He was upset with the girls yesterday because he hates the older one's boyfriend.  He needs someone to hate.  He spoke about his dream of and for them. 

I said that dreams have to change when you look at circumstances.  People shouldn't get stuck because then they can never move forward in life.  One needs to give up unfulfilled dreams and that will give a person a lot of free time to find new dreams.

I realized that I was talking about the dream of him and the dream of children.  He had no clue as to what I was talking about.  But, I realized that this is why I'm so calm.

We are getting a major storm tomorrow.  I have my trusty plastic shovel and beach chair and I will be fine shoveling.   I'm looking forward to it.    This will be like a Midterm exam, to see if I can be in the house with him for a weekend.   I'm sure that I can.

I've become content, quiet and proud of my new life.  Nothing can change that.

I did tell him we could go out to eat, knowing that I would change my mind. There is a limit to the quality of conversation one can have with him.  We are going to a condo meeting tonight in town.  They are building a new development.   I'm going to listen and then think about what I've heard.  This is quite unlike me.  But, it is the new me.

Should we go to Riverhead or not to pick up the wine?  I told him to surprise me. Again, quite unlike me.

This is why I'm grateful to the Almighty.   I have moved forward.  I am not afraid of the power of silence and it has given me inner happiness.

GRATEFUL FOR ANOTHER DAY

I am grateful to the Almighty for what I plan to have, ANOTHER WONDERFUL DAY!!!!!

I awoke to sweeping the dusting of snow from the driveway.  The sky, I noticed was a beautiful shade of blue.   I picked up my coffee and headed to work.

I have my private lesson with Leslie today.  

I have my mantra.  I HAVE JOY.  I HAVE ENERGY.  I WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY.

More later............................

My yoga lesson was wonderful!!!  It was hip openers and shoulders openers!!!!  

Absolutely amazing!!!

I'm home tonight because I wanted to read.  I never read. I played on the computer and now I'm going to watch television.  I am comfortable being home because I know the power of quiet.

Thank you Almighty for a wonderful day!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR THE SNOW

I am grateful to the Almighty that it snowed today!!!

I never thought that I would say that.  But, I shoveled the snow twice down the entire driveway!!
Then I drove myself to work.  I put one foot out and then another, slowly and I walked into the building.   I was so proud of myself!!!!!!!

It has given me another level of independence!!!!!

I smiled all day because of this. After work and walking,  I went to the cleaner and brought in my white coat to be cleaned.  I picked up my ring/necklace with twisted chain in the jewelry store.

I came home to simple chores and the making of dinner.   Now, I'm off to yoga.

Yoga was awesome.  I invited one f my friends to go and he really enjoyed it.  We went for coffee in the diner afterwards.

Later in the evening, I went to the end of my Sisterhood meeting just to schmooze with the girls.

I came home to read THE NEW YORK TIMES and to finish my book.  I took the doggie out and went to sleep.

I'm so proud of me and so grateful to the Almighty!!!!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR MONDAY

I am grateful to the Almighty that I had a good night's sleep and that it is Monday morning.

Tonight is the final class in SPIRITUALITY.  I wonder what will be offered next????

I set the table for dinner this morning because the class is early.   I cold tell by his, "whatever'" comment that he was ready for another issue.  I wasn't.  I was ready to leave.   He imagines that if he does this long enough, I will break.  But, not this time.  I know the game.

Chat later..........time to work!!!!!

And work, I did........a lot of work.   

However, I had time to read my newspapers, look at FACEBOOK, read e-mails, call my friend and read my book.   I even got to walk for an hour in the building!!!!

Who needs to retire?????

More later...............................

And then I went home.  And then he tried to pick a fight with me and failed because I'm not going to raise my voice.  You can feel the frustration oozing from him.  He failed and raising my voice to him or about him will NEVER happen again!!!!

Dinner is over!!!!  Off to SPIRITUALITY!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR AN AWESOME WEEKEND

I am grateful to the Almighty for the awesome and relaxing weekend that I had. 

It started with a good night's sleep on Friday night.
  
Then Saturday morning, it was up and off to PJC for services and kiddish with friends.   I knew that it was cold, but I never dreamed that I would walk for 2 hours.  I guess being with him in the house will do that to you.  I read 2 newspapers and then went on the computer.  I am reading a wonderful book.   In the evening, I did laundry, paid bills and watched a film that was up for an OSCAR.   There was minimal conversation.

It snowed Saturday night.  Sunday morning, I shoveled it.  We had a plan to walk HOME DEPOT, but he didn't want to go.  I surprised myself by going and then going to yoga.  I put gas in the truck, and purchased Dunkin' Donuts.   I read 2 newspapers and went on the computer.  I had a manicure and now I'm looking at a funky blue.

I made dinner.  Since he was silent most of the weekend, except for practical comments, I set up the kitchen to make tofu, which I love.   He was surprised that we weren't going out.  My question to you is how does one go out to dinner when there is no conversation for days?   My guess is that one just goes to eat and that I didn't want to do.

He announced that I'm different.  I realized that this was an opening for a discussion and then an argument and then a fight and then 911.  I replied that we could discuss it later.  Of course, we never did.  It was just an opening to start an issue.

I feel so relaxed this cold Monday morning.

Thanks Almighty for an awesome weekend!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR LIVING!!!!!

I am grateful to the Almighty for the wonderful evening that I had yesterday.

I watch JANGO at home because one of my friend's at school gave me a bootleg copy.  I really enjoyed it.  

I must say that I gave myself a wonderful day yesterday.

This morning, it snowed.   I SHOVELED IT!!!!!!!

Now I'm off to HOME DEPOT to walk.   Thank you Almighty for a wonderful beginning to Sunday!!!!!!

I went to HOME DEPOT and walked for a hour.  Then it was off to yoga.  We had a substitute instructor and she was excellent.

I completed my yoga class and discovered that the snow had melted.  It was off to gas up the truck and get Dunkin' Donuts coffee, preparation to read NEWSDAY and the NY TIMES.

I came home and he asked me to clean the lighting fixtures with him.  One day, on a Friday, I came home early to discover all the dishes in the sink and the bed unmade.  I told him "later." Politically speaking, that is the correct answer.  He told me that there was an OPEN HOUSE at a local condo.  I told him that it sounded interesting and that he should go.  All of this in my cute little, quiet voice!!!!  I'm getting good at this.   We had a relationship that was based on bantering and insults.  If you take this away, there is one thing that is left.........QUIET!!!!  What a great way to spend a winter's day.

Now, it's off to prepare an eggplant and go get a manicure.  The eggplant was rotten. He needed to get another one.  I did have time to help clean the lighting fixture.

Later I got a beautiful blue manicure.  And I made an eggplant.

He's told me that he is upset that we aren't going out.  I said to him something to the effect that if you don't speak, no one knows what you want.  That's his problem!!!!!!

I love Sunday!!!!!

GRATITUDE FOR AN AMAZING WALK!!!!

Thank you, Almighty for my amazing walk.  It was freezing out there, but, I walked for 2 hours!!!!  I had on 13 pieces of clothing.

I walked because I didn't want to be in the house with him.  I finally found a use for him.  It's winter!!!   It's freezing!!!!  No one was walking, but me.  He is very motivating!!!

Thanks Almighty for allowing him to be the way he is which is a wonderful motivator for me!!!!

GRATEFFUL FOR A BEAUTIFUL SABBATH

Thank you, Almighty, for this beautiful and restful Sabbath!!!

As I left for services this morning, I noticed the blue sky.  It was absolutely breathtaking!! Services were wonderful.  It was fun to be with all my synagogue friends.

I was wide awake this morning due to the fact that I got a great night's sleep last night.

My plan is to walk later even though it's very cold .

My friend gave me a copy of a film that I wanted to see.  It's a bootleg copy.  I'm going to watch it later.

I must tell you that he is really trying to be irritating .  However, it is falling flat.  I have so moved on.

Thank you Almighty for a beautiful and restful Sabbath!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR OBSERVATIONS

Thank you, Almighty for allowing me to observe the world.

I used to be so caught up in strategies for solving problems in my life or healing emotional wounds, that I had no time to observe the world.

It is so different now.

This morning, I walked out to pack up the truck and noticed the cold and chilly morning.  As I went to the bank, an errand that I didn't know I wold do, I noticed a group of birds, all different, sitting high up on a wire.  I was able to stop and just for a second, reflect on how they would group themselves.

It was a thing of beauty to see.

I had a wonderful time at dinner with my friend.  I came home to observe that it has been a wonderful week filled with work and wonderful things to do.

I thought back to how I managed with my Spirituality class in spite of the ice.  I enjoyed the Beatles at Cinema Arts and avoided a confrontation about Valentine's Day, a day that I could never again celebrate with him.   I enjoyed Governor's Comedy Club, knowing that it was a friend who was performing.

Now it is gong to be Shabbos.   It has been 6 months since July 31st.   In this weeks parsha of the Torah, it talks about how you have to hit bottom in order to come back to the top.  That is what happened to me.  

I was given a second chance.

Thank you so much Almighty.

Good Shabbos!!!