I had a realization yesterday that I am so grateful for. This is what happened. I have told you in prior entries that he looks for things to say to me that can be hurtful. I never let on that they are hurtful, but, yes, they hurt me deeply. Usually this happens on a Saturday after I come home from services.
However, yesterday was Wednesday and it was done over the phone. What happened was interesting. I now believe that it really isn't a good idea to go on a vacation with him. To leave all my activities behind and only be with him can be trouble. So, I was investigating activities in Westhampton Beach and I came upon yoga studios. I called him to let him know this so that he couldn't control me with a vacation.
He proceded to tell me that he feels that I don't love him. I responded that this was backwards because of all the things that he had done that proved the lack of his love for me in this relationship. That was all he needed. He was off and running. I stopped it by saying that I live ONLY in the PRESENT.
Why did his comment bother me so much? I thought back to my relationship with my mother. She would say cruel things that would hurt me and I would swallow them causing anxiety. Why was I letting him do this to me? Was I again living in a dream? Was I reacting to him as though he were my mother by trying to win a battle that I could never win with her? The answer was, "YES".
I am so grateful for this realization because now I can move forward remembering that there is a roommate relationship, not a marriage. There is no dream with him. There is no reason to become emotional with a stranger. Baggage that was had when you are a child should be left behind.
That's a new goal. I am healthy and bright. I am grateful to the Almighty for helping me to realize this.
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