* There are three significant things that happened to me in the past year. All of them involved changes in how I see the world. My period of mourning for my old life is now over (a good thing). I no longer wake up with tears in my eyes. I am comfortable in the house and am calm and quiet when need be. I say my mantras each morning and then proceed to have a good day. All days have structure in them. I especially love going to synagogue, yoga classes and workshops and reading the many books that I do for book clubs. I enjoy walking.
* I accomplished a great deal. I see myself as an individual and each day I try to challenge myself doing new things whether it be a new yoga pose or driving and walking in the snow. I have friends. I have activities that I enjoy. I am calm and quiet. I only discuss what needs to be said. I have made my home safe for me. I am moving towards retirement happily. I am really trying NOT to have melt downs when asked to do new things.
* I become disappointed in myself when I look back to my dream of being a couple. It bothers me to realize that we never were one. This is enough to distress me. I try not to look back, but sometimes, it's very hard.
* My biggest challenge or roadblock is fear and sadness. It is tough when I get caught up in how hard I worked at the marriage/child relationship and how little I have to show for it. The challenge is to move forward and to celebrate my own life and to build a new relationship with them (the girls) because they are mine.
* I learned that I must move forward and appreciate my new life.
* I have grown a lot. I have tried to get involved with other women and integrate both sides of my personality, work and home. I am not part of a couple. I am me.
* I feel good because I now know that I am strong and capable and people accept me for who I am.
* I have changed a great deal from 2012 to 2013 as far as my home life goes. I no longer talk about things that are threatening to him (i.e. my friends as an example). I fill up conversation with nonsense. I am careful as to what I say even when it comes to people at work who can be cursed at a moments notice. I put him in charge of any plan we make and that way I cannot be blamed. I do not fear blame, but it wastes my time. I have many activities that I am engaged in without him. I appreciate each moment of my life because that moment may not come again.
* What I would do differently is an interesting question because I know that what I do is not done in a normal marriage. However, considering all that he has ever done to me, culminating in July 31, 2012, this is not a normal relationship. If I had understood this at the beginning, I would have ended it back in l971 after "the people in the closet" issues.
* In summary, I'm different than I was last year. I can be quiet when I need to be. I am comfortable in my home. I don't cater to other people. I don't give my opinions or feelings to them at all. I am proud of me. I do not fear the future. Retirement is no longer something to be feared because I can be home and be happy, myself!!!!!
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