GRATEFUL FOR DETERMINATION

I am grateful to the Almighty because He has given me a determined nature.

I'm going to need this quality this weekend.   However, if I succeed, when I go to sleep at night, I will have tremendous satisfaction.   I will definitely succeed.

I wasn't prepared for his behaviors last weekend but I am now.  I did do everything that I wanted to, but because I wasn't prepared, I was exhausted by Monday.  He had to drive me to work because of the snow.  

It was a tough week because I had to watch my words and I did. He is not used to this because through the years, he could always say something to set up a fight and then enjoy himself.  The cement holding the bricks together in this relationship were anger, fighting and enjoying my misery.    He was looking for a fight all week.  I didn't have activities to go to because of the weather and so there was no escape.  However, I agreed with everything he said and that upset him terribly.   He wanted to confuse.   We should go out, it's too cold, you can make dinner, I hate the dinner, I'm going to spit it out and there was no reaction from me.   He was upset by this too!!!!

I decided that we no longer have to speak on the phone while I am at work.    If there is an emergency,he can call me. I have pretended to have activities that I don't have, so I'm not in the office.  He has a remarkable phone voice that is very phony.

Tomorrow I will attend services.  It is the Men's Club and Sisterhood Sabbath and should be fun.  I will walk in Home Depot.  I will read.  I need a day to relax.  I will have dinner at home.  I don't need a film.  I will relax, enjoy and be.

Sunday, I will go to my yoga class.  I will walk at Home Depot.  I will do my chores and I hope to get to Weight Watchers.  I have scheduled a manicure.  I will have a good time.

I am grateful to the Almighty because I have a determined nature.  I am going to be quiet, yet friendly and see where this goes.   I smile as I write this because this is not what he wants.

GRATEFUL FOR MAKING MY HEART SOAR

I am grateful to the Almighty for making me successful since the snow began last week so that my heart is soaring.

Thanks to you, Almighty, I realized that I have created a life that I love which activities that I truly enjoy.

I have managed in all these days, not to fall into any of his traps, so that my heart is soaring.  He did not manage to make me angry about Hilary (he didn't get a subway call), Dana  (she doesn't call), Izzy (whom he hates) or me who he has to drive to work.  He didn't get me to react emotionally to how life didn't work out (mine did but in a different way), or any of his make- believe illnesses to give me anxiety.  At one point I paid a man $30 to shovel 2 inches from the driveway because he had "chest pains."  He learned not to create illnesses or it will cost him.  I learned to be quiet when he bitched.  I agreed that we didn't need a bigger condo because he hates Izzy and Dana and possibly Hilary.   I never wanted one to begin with.  All this time,  I spoke in my newly learned quiet voice which I'm sure irritated the daylights out of him.

Thank you, Almighty for making me successful and making my heart soar.   The temperatures are going up and my life will return.

Later-   He picked me up and almost immediately started to needle me.   I did not respond, but by the time we arrived home I said with a smile something to the effect that the cement of this relationship is needling.   He told me that in his condition, he couldn't go to dinner this weekend because it was cold.  I agreed and changed the shopping list.  I even included Sunday in my shopping list.  I think he will implode!!!!!!

I am so grateful to you, Almighty.  As they say in yoga, my heart is soaring!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty for my life.

I didn't realize the rich life that I have until the snow took it away and he had to drive me.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this life and that it will return when the snow leaves.

GRATEFUL FOR REALIZATIONS OF EXPECTATIONS OF PEOPLE

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am realistic about my expectations for people.

It took a long time for me to give up being a dreamer, but once I did, I found life to be a great deal more enjoyable for me.

I gave up my expectations for him.  As a result, I share very little of myself.  I don't share feelings or emotions or ideas.  Last night for example, I continued to read my book for the yoga book club.  I watched a new television show on HBO and never mentioned it.   

I texted the older one that I had been hit in the eye with a bowling pin by the dog.  Her response a day later was to ask how I had seen a picture of her friend's new house.  I neither told him about this or responded to her.

Both of them are the same and it is time to let go of that which doesn't serve me so that I can heal.  I thank my girlfriend for introducing me to yoga so I can learn this.  This is also why I'm not looking for a new condo.  I'm appreciating that which I have.

Today, he drove me to work because he had banged up the truck and it needed to go to a body shop.  I need to go to the library after work.

My life has been quiet.

I have joy!!  I have energy!!!  I will have a good day as I wait out the snow!!!!

Thank you, Almighty, for helping me to realize how to let go and enjoy my life.

GRATEFUL THAT I AM BACK AT WORK

I am grateful to the Almighty that I survived a weekend indoors with him bantering, being negative and trying so hard to upset me.

I survived it.  In past entries, I recorded all that I did happily.   I even made a delicious chicken cutlet/butternut squash dinner for myself because he hated everything that I cook for us and I told him to make something that he would enjoy.  (He made an egg.)

Honestly, I'm exhausted.  Exhausted from all the strategies that I had to put into place to keep safe.  Exhausted from working to keep myself from being depressed around him as I remember, even though I don't want to, all the cruel things that he has done to me.  

I realize that this weather will pass.  Life will resume.  My life will return.  He will be bitching and complaining as I walk out the door, going to an activity, that I don't spend time with him.  

It's just that while I'm going through it, it's tough.

However, I am grateful to the Almighty that I am back at work.  I'm here for five days.  I will enjoy each moment.  Although I will be tired, I will be happy.

Retirement???  That too will come in it's time.

Buying a condo??  A good discussion, but absolutely not.

I am grateful to the Almighty that I am back at work.

Later:  I went for coffee at our store and hung out with some people.     Conversation was really good. I discovered that a friend of mine bought a condo at The Seasons..............I'm thinking about my future!!!!!!   I did not speak to him all day under the guise of Regents.  I will call later. It's been a delightful day.  I EVEN SIGNED UP FOR A RESTORATIVE YOGA WORKSHOP ON MARCH 1!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR RELAXING

I am grateful to the Almighty because he has given me all these days to relax.

I would NEVER spend an entire day in the house reading.  But, other than the background noise yesterday, I had a wonderful day.

I got a good night's sleep and eventually someday when it thaws, I will be off and running!!!!!

I'm going to do yoga today in the music room.   I'm going to read both newspapers slowly and enjoy them at breakfast.

I'm going to read CLEOPATRA today for another book club.  

I was asked to go out I'm going to make dinner tonight.   I declined in a very nice voice. I'm not  wasting time making conversation with an emotionally disturbed person.  I'm making chicken for me!!!  He complains about every dinner.  He should be able to make what he enjoys.

I am grateful for the relaxing day that I am going to have. 

UPDATE:  I have switched the book that I am reading to THE SIGNATURE OF ALL THINGS for the yoga book club.  CLEOPATRA was too heavy for today.

GRATEFUL FOR UNDERSTANDING

I am grateful to the Almighty because I fully understand what he will do before he does it.

I had a wonderful, relaxing Sabbath.

I read and finished a book and I am starting another one.   If the weather is decent, I will be able to attend these book clubs.  If not, the books are enjoyable.   I said my prayers, read the Bible passage for this week, texted, worked on computer, read the newspapers, drank DD coffee that I made and really enjoyed the day.

He woke to tell me that he didn't like sleeping downstairs with the fireplace.   It was too hot.  It was too cold.  He proceeded to tell me about his night's sleep.  He then slept for most of the morning and afternoon, telling me that he didn't feel well and would go to the hospital.  He told me that he felt like he did when he got sick originally.  I offered to call 911.   I asked him if the pacemaker/difibulater had moved.  He said that it hadn't.   Don't think that I'm stupid.   I'm not.  This is part of the script.  He told me he was felt like throwing up, couldn't eat.  I reminded him that he ate very well in restaurants. At that point, he decided that he was depressed. I know that people who are depressed don't know it.   He told me that his life had no meaning.  We discussed this while I warmed up Sabbath dinner which he ate with no problem.

All the while he looked for something to say that would set me off.  Since it had all been said before, it was like a well rehearsed script.

He asked me to take the dog out.  This could be a new issue but I knew exactly how to handle it.  I love the dog.   He is very funny.  He asked me to set up my salad.  This could be another issue.  Knowing this, I set up my salad.  He came down and asked why I didn't make his.   I said with a false sincerity that I don't know what he eats since he always makes his.

 He tried to search for an issue and failed.

At the end, when I was finishing my book he thanked me for assisting him.  I almost made the mistake of acknowledging that it would happen again tomorrow, but thought better of it.

It's funny because I could have written the script.  I will be in hibernation until it gets warmer and would like to relax.   I know that bad weather passes and this is who he is.  I didn't waste time because I had done everything that I set out to do.

I know what happened to him.  I took the cement out of his bricks.  Bantering is nonexistent if no one responds.

Understanding this, I can move on with my life.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this understanding.

GRATEFUL FOR ALL THAT I HAVE.......................

On this Sabbath, as I hibernate in a house that could be in the North Pole, I am grateful to the Almighty for all that I am and all that I have.

It is very icy outside and because of my leg, I have to be careful.  He will take me to work, but I can't ask him to take me to everything that I do.

This has given me time to appreciate all that I have and all that I do.  Quietly, by putting one step in front of the other, I have created a new and rich life for myself.  The life didn't disappear.  It's just too icy.  But, when the thaw comes,  I will again walk outside.  I will go to services.  I will go to yoga and meditation.  I will attend my book clubs.  I will go out to dinner.  I will go to my memory workshop.  I will attend yoga classes and my private session.  I will go to yoga workshops.

I appreciate all the strength and fortitude that has allowed me to create this new life.   Even yesterday, when I substituted for Karen, and I looked at the students, I realized who I was married to and how well I have done with my own life.  It's a time to appreciate the strength and fortitude that the Almighty has given me.

This is a time for me to hibernate and to appreciate all that I have and all that I am.

I will pray at home today.  I will practice yoga.  I will text friends.  I will read.  Most of all, I will appreciate my life.

Thank you, Almighty for all that you have given me and all that I am.

GRATEFUL FOR REALIZATIONS

I am grateful to the Almighty for realizations.

I had to substitute for my friend Karen this morning who had to administer labs to her students in Earth Science.   I got to see first hand, the NET population.

The students are so like my husband.  However, he fell under the cracks and could pass because his was not a major emotional illness.

I am so glad that I know this.  No wonder his mother could not see him married to someone like me.  

I'm so done with this.  I am not investing any more money with him for anything.   I will be quiet and speak in generalities.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this realization.  

What wonderful Sabbath gift!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR STRENGTH AND FORTIUDE

I am grateful to the Almighty because He has given me strength and fortitude.

I am going to need these qualities in the days to come because he is still driving me because of the ice on the ground.   He will look, as he has done in the past, to bait me, upset me and make me as miserable as he is.

This polar vortex is going to last another week.   I have figured out some activities in the house so that I don't get caught up with lots of conversation with him.  Last night, I tried bitching as much as he did, and he shut down.  This allowed me to read and watch my television program.  Bitching doesn't come natural to me, but it worked with him.

Tonight is Shabbos, and I usually go to bed early.

Thank you, Almighty for my strength and fortitude.

GRATEFUL FOR KEEPING ME SAFE

I am grateful to the Almighty for keeping me safe. 

You have done this through the principles of yoga and I am very grateful to you.

He is trying very hard to be confrontational.  I have already written about his antics yesterday, my snow day.

He had to drive me this morning because of the ice and snow and my leg issues.  He began again in the car.  It was very difficult to keep composed while I am sitting next to him.  He searches  for a way in to make me upset so that he can begin his tirade.  However, he will not succeed!!  I have let go of that which doesn't serve me so that I can heal!!!!

This does however, sadden me because I would like to lash out but I know that this has no end to it. It would only give him satisfaction. In the past, it has been set up so that the police were called.  I remember July 31, 2012.   It will not happen again.

I'm at work now, my safe place.  I'm off to substitute for an Earth Science teacher who needs to give lab tests.

I will write more later................

I returned at 9:55.  The lab tests will be given tomorrow when I will substitute.   I waited until 11:30 to call him.  That gave me time to eat breakfast and read the papers.   He mentioned the older one and even asked her how her live-in boyfriend is.  What a change!!!!!  He said that he knew that I didn't like her.  I objected and said that was the past and that she was lovely. What a phony conversation!!!!!!!    It was done to give me an evening.  I'm not afraid of him, but I'm in control of me.  Let me confuse him!!!!!!

Thank you, Almighty for keeping me safe.

GRATEFUL FOR KNOWING HOW TO LET GO

I am grateful to the Almighty because I know how to let go of that which doesn't serve me so that I can survive.

I enjoyed my snow day.  I read the newspapers.  I drank DD coffee.  I really like my new book. I enjoyed sleeping later.  I texted my friends.  I went on FACEBOOK.  I ordered another book from Amazon. I spoke to a friend on the phone.

I survived all of his assaults.  I was calm, cool and collected, so much so that he had to ask what this was because I kept agreeing with him about everything.  And I could see that this really annoyed him.

He kept trying to eat a meal with me and accused me of not spending time with him.  I needed to eat quietly and not be accused and I was quiet and strong so no argument could be had.

I had to eat dinner with him.   It was a wonderful meal.  Salmon, burnt broccoli and spaghetti squash with sauce.   The night before he decided that he had a disease and couldn't eat.   That was to play on my anxiety.  It didn't work.  Tonight, he said it was too cold to eat and he would move next year to where it was warm. He was angry.  I agreed and that ended that.  Anyway, I enjoyed the meal but his share was in the garbage.  I didn't react at all.

What are bricks without cement??

His job is to wash the floor.  He broke a shelf in the linen closet getting the last roll of toilet paper for me and then had a hard time getting up.  I asked him if his pacemaker or defibulator moved (remember that???).  He asked me to wash the floor and I readily agreed except with his new mop, only he knows how to do this.

He is sleeping in the den with the fireplace on.  He's there now.  It's quiet!!!

I have definitely let go of that which doesn't serve me and have moved on.  I am very proud of myself

Thank you, Almighty for allowing me to learn this!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR A SNOW DAY

Thank you, Almighty for the wonderful gift of a snow day.

This morning the phone rang at 5:30.  It was Santos asking if we wanted him to shovel the driveway.  And we did.  And he paid him.  And the street was plowed.  And I have a snow day!!!!

I slept until 9:30.  I couldn't walk so I got to sleep.  It was wonderful.  He's on a new role.  He can't eat a lot.  Nothing tastes good.  He is depressed.  He should go find a therapist.  I listened. I know that it's meant to upset me.  And it doesn't!!!!   

Then he began with the girls.  Now he hates our younger daughter.  All of this is supposed to set me up for a fight and it doesn't.   I move on.

Then the phone rings.  He curses out the caller.

And soon it will be my turn............and he will get angry about something and he will try to threaten. But, I will be quiet!!!!!!   It will fail like everything else he tries to do to me. That is my prediction.

Meanwhile, I'm on the computer.  I'm texting friends.  I will go down and make DD coffee and read both newspapers that arrived.  I've taken pictures and sent them on my phone.  I will do some yoga and read a new book.   I'm making a spaghetti squash.  I am happy.

Thank you Almighty for the wonderful gift of a snow day.

GRATEFUL FOR THE DAY

I am grateful to the Almighty for today!!!!

I am healthy.  I am happy.  I am calm.

The weekend was a good one.  I know exactly what to say, when to say it and when not to.  We did go to see a film yesterday and then went out to dinner.

Today, he drove me to work.  It's going to snow.  We are going to get hit with a really bad storm.  My guess is that schools will close tomorrow.  He will hopefully find someone to shovel so I won't have to.   Meanwhile, my goal is to be safe.   In order to do that I need to be careful about what I say.  Listening is the way to go.  He will be looking to play "gotcha" and I won't give him the opportunity to do that to me.  He will be delicately mentioning emotional issues so that I react. I'm not going to.

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am aware of this and I know what to do.

I'm at work now.  I wonder if there will be school tomorrow.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this day.

Later-   There is no school tomorrow because of the storm.   I did not knock myself out making dinner because he hates tofu.  And now we are discussing depression and cancer.  These are uplifting topics.  They are meant to upset me.  However it won't happen.  I finished my book and will start another.

GRATEFUL FOR THE JOYS IN MY LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty for helping me to notice the joys in my life.

Yesterday, I took a 2 hour walk in January, all bundled up in the cold weather.  This morning I'm going to do the same thing, but in the morning because I have another LEVEL 1 yoga class to take this morning.

Matzah's grooming was beautiful.  He now smells like oatmeal.  I made a wonderful tofu dinner that I really enjoyed.  I stir fried tofu and vegetables.  

I was able to read my book as well as watch a television show that I started last week, TRUE DETECTIVE.  I don't really like it, but I wanted to watch.

Today, I will meet him for breakfast after my yoga class.  It's a political move.  You should hear all the bitching and complaining he does. He has moved to hating friends and companies to my younger daughter.

Later I will read the newspapers and my book.

I hope to see a film tonight and go out to dinner.

I'm off to take my walk.................

Thank you Almighty for helping me to notice the joys in my life.

GRATEFUL FOR CALMNESS

I am grateful to the Almighty because I feel so calm.  As a result of this, I can notice so many wonderful things about the day.

Yesterday, with this in mind, I took a TWO HOUR WALK.   This is unheard of on a January day.  It was cold, crisp and cloudy, but I found the day to be beautiful and enjoyed every moment of it.

I came home to his ranting about his life and how it didn't work.  I listened as I ate dinner and said very little of consequence.  Later, I realized that things had really changed since that fateful day.  I was the cement that held our relationship together.  When I began to evidence ALL THE YOGA PRINCIPLES, his life fell apart because he had no one to bully.  That was an amazing revelation.  Thank you, Almighty for my strength.

We saw, HER last night.  I thought that it was a remarkable film.

This morning, I have already done chores.  I am going to my LEVEL ONE yoga class.  I will then put gas in the truck and pick up DD.  My intention is to have breakfast, read the newspapers and take the dog for grooming.

Later, I will walk.  The day looks glorious!!!!!   I hope to read RETURNED, which by the way is going to be a new television show.

Tonight, I will stir-fry tofu and hopefully watch my newest show, TRUE DETECTIVE.

Thank you, Almighty for my calmness which has allowed me to enjoy each and every moment of every day.

GRATEFUL FOR THE DAY

I am grateful to the Almighty for this day.

It is Sabbath.   I went to services and was able to pray and then speak to all of my friends.

My plan today is a simple one. 

 After services, I will be on the computer.  I will text my friends.  I plan to walk, depending on the weather, either outside or at Home Depot.  I want to read both newspapers and also read my new book which believe it or not has no book club attached to it.

I'm also thinking that we might see a film tonight.

It's the beginning of my well deserved 3 day weekend.

I want to make the most of it.

Thank you, Almighty for this Sabbath day!!

GRATEFUL FOR THE GIFTS THAT I HAVE RECEIVED

I am grateful to the Almighty for the gifts that I have received.

I am grateful for the gift of health.  My periodontist checkup was a good one and I celebrated afterwards.  I have a 3 day weekend and I will diet on Tuesday after my little vacation.

I am grateful for the gift of yoga.   This has allowed me to make beautiful changes in my life.  I try to live in the moment.  Today on the way to work, I noticed the chill in the air, the sun rising and the beauty of my ride to work.

I am grateful for the gift of being content with my new life and all the adventures that I have and will continue to have.

I am grateful for the rest that the Sabbath gives me and the synagogue that I belong to and the prayers that I saw in the Sabbath.

This is a 3 day weekend.   I am looking forward to it.  That in itself is a gift because no one can disturb it for me.

I am grateful to the Almighty for the gifts that I have received.

GRATEFUL BECAUSE I APPRECIATE MY LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty because I truly appreciate my life.

Last night, I attended a Reiki Circle.  I will attend again as it was a wonderful experience.  My intention, as I voiced it in the circle, was to be content with my life.

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am content with the life that I created for myself. 

He won another court case and now will have another 80 thousand dollars.  Coupled with the first case, he will have about 400 hundred thousand dollars.  Does that make him a content and happy person?  Absolutely not!!! Now he wants to buy another condo out east.  He hates the first one.  I understand that because without Tony and David to talk to about abusing women, he has nothing.   He wants to work the crowd in another condo.  His joy is to try and upset me.

I, however, am content and happy with my life.  I like the original condo.  I don't need anything else.  I like the activities that I do.  I like the people that I know.  I know how to handle him.

There is a wonderful calmness over me and I am grateful for it.

Last night, I got to watch a new show on HBO which I could have watched Sunday if he wasn't annoying me.  I did not say a word about it to him.

I go to the periodontist today.  Wish me luck!!!

Parenthood is on tonight.

I am grateful to the Almighty because I truly appreciate my life.

GRATEFUL FOR THE SMALL THINGS IN MY LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am calm within myself and that allows me to notice and appreciate the small things in my life.

I have noticed that the days are getting longer.  When I leave school, I notice that it's lighter outside.  I have noticed and laughed at all the funny things that my dog has done.  I noticed the silence in the fog this morning.   I look at my nails and love the yoga symbols.  I really listen to colleagues when they speak to me.

I am allowing myself to have inner peace and that is a beautiful thing.

Last night, I really enjoyed the book discussion at the library.  I left with two more books to read.

Tonight I will attend a REIKI session since Leslie has gone to India on a vacation.

As far as he goes,  he's just background noise and that doesn't have to be noticed.

Thank you, Almighty, for helping me to notice and enjoy all the small things in my life.

I am grateful!!

GRATEFUL FOR SPEAKING UP IN A QUIET VOICE

I am grateful to the Almighty because I have learned to speak up in a quiet voice.

His attitude really bothered me this weekend.  Not that it detracted from my life, but I needed to let him know this.   Yesterday, after work, in a very quiet voice,  I did just that.  I would get no help from the rest of the Triad.  This was up to me.  I told him that I have a right to a life and that he needs to find activities that suit him.

That will never happen.  He is in deep mourning for me escaping and the fact that I have a life. It's a life that he can't destroy, hence the depressed feelings.  However, I was glad that I said what I did and was ready to move on.

I read my new book last night.

Tonight, I'm going to a wonderful book discussion.

I was glad that I spoke up in a quiet voice.  That too is a change for me. I'm not to be bullied. I made that clear.

I am grateful to the Almighty that I spoke up in a quiet voice.  NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE.  It's just that I took care of myself.

GRATEFUL FOR BEING STRONG AND CAPABLE

I am grateful to the Almighty because He made me a strong and capable woman.  I will meet every challenge with a smile.

I had a wonderful weekend that I created for myself.  It culminated in me getting a manicure with yoga symbols on it.

"A" couldn't take it anymore and he actually tried to start one of his arguments with me.  I could have walked out of the room.  However, this time I chose to tell him that I would not be bullied.  I used my quiet little voice.  I only spoke for a short period of time.  I told him again that life was like a time line and that I wouldn't waste mine doing this.  He said that we were very different and I agreed.  I said quietly that if he had told me the truth about himself, we would never have been together.  I said that since he said "No" to all of my suggestions, I took my older daughters suggestion and found a life.  He needed to do the same.

I know that he can't.  I didn't smile outwardly, but inwardly.  His idea of a life is to bully me. That isn't going to happen.   These discussions won't happen except like yesterday for a few minutes at the end of a wonderful weekend that I created.  He needed to know that I won't be bullied, or change or live in fear of him.

Tonight, I chose to stay home and read my incredible new book.

Thank you Almighty for making me strong and capable!!!

GRATEFUL FOR REALIZATIONS

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am now able to better understand "A" and I know when a confrontation is brewing.

Yesterday, I had a wonderful day.  I did many things outside of the house that were enjoyable. I even enjoyed watching the film in the evening.

However, I sense that "A" is definitely back to his old ways and I have no intention of being caught in his trap.  He practices something that I call "SAT".  "A" would have sheer joy if it worked.  He is at times Silent.  He changes to Argumentative.  I might add that this is about nothing.   He then moves to TALKATIVE.  All of this is an attempt to have a confrontation. It's a confrontation about NOTHING.  But, one has to realize that he is MISERABLE.  I am HAPPY.  He wants me to be as MISERABLE as he is.

It is uncomfortable living in a house like this.  However, I realized yesterday that this is what my mother did to me also.  Maybe that is where the being uncomfortable comes from.  Knowing this will make dealing with it a lot easier because it comes from an earlier stage of life.  Remember, we tend to marry what we are comfortable with.

Anyway, my day today is wonderful.  I'm off to a LEVEL 1 yoga class.  Then I'm walking.  Then it's time to get weighed at Weight Watchers.  Coffee and newspapers will follow.  Today, I'm treating myself to my mani/pedi.   I'm going to start another new book.    I'm also going out to dinner with "A".

Thank you, Almighty for helping me to move forward  into a wonderful day.  Without learning about realizations, this would not have happened.

GRATEFUL FOR THE JOY IN MY LIFE

I am thankful to the Almighty for the joy in my life.

I was so happy yesterday to discover that we had 2 weeks off for Christmas next year.  I know that I have written a great deal about retirement, but if I play the game correctly at work, maybe I should stay.  It definitely is not a positive thing to be around him.  I mentioned to him at Shabbat dinner that I might stay, but did not reveal the reasons.

I was joyful going to services today.  I spoke to my friend who runs the memory workshop and asked her to give me some of the other assignments as I endeavor to try and create a portrait of me.

It was interesting to read the Torah portion of the week as I always do.  This week however, it spoke of Amalik, who is the embodiment of evil.  He is defined as a force that gets sheer joy out of hurting another person.  Who does that sound like to you?  From now on the reference will be to "A."

Today I will walk at Home Depot.  It is really raining.   I hope to read the newspaper at lunch and then to read my book.

I hope to see a film with "A" tonight.

Thank you, Almighty for the joy in my life.

Later-  "A" and I have not spoken much.   I used to do a dance to encourage conversation, but that time is long gone.   As I was walking in Home Depot, alone I might add since he didn't want to go, I realized that I didn't want to see a film at 9:50 that was 2 hours long with a person that I barely spoke to all day.  I asked if he wanted to watch the Netflix film we received and he agreed. Problem solved.  I have a wonderful day planned for me tomorrow.   I finished a wonderful book and intend to read my magazines.

GRATEFUL FOR STRENGTH AND INDEPENDENCE

I am grateful to the Almighty for my strength and my independence.

Yesterday, I attended the Memory Workshop.  I really enjoyed it.  We sat around a large table and answered questions that had been sent to us.  The idea is to write up these questions as a memoir. This is something that I will do today.  The next meeting is Thursday, January 23.  I sat next to one of my friends.  It started at 3:30 and ended at 5:15.  

I came home and he didn't even bother to ask how the workshop was.  This is as I expected.  What I didn't expect was that he would tell me that he met someone at the tax workshop that he attended.  It was a woman that he knew from his years of teaching.  He gave her our home phone number and told her that he is alone most of the day as his wife is still working.  I guess that I was supposed to be upset, but I couldn't stop laughing.  Even now I am smiling.  Who would want him???  He doesn't have sex,  take a person to a good restaurant,  dress decently, spent money on recreation or bathe!!!  Lucky person who gets him!!!!

I did notice a pattern though and that was for my benefit.  He does all the things he sets out to do but for my "benefit" plays up how sick he is and to quote him, after I made a Chilean Sea Bass dinner, he announced, " I could die at any moment." My response was, "so could we all." He is determined in these winter months to find something to upset me so we could be off and running.  Sorry Charlie!!!

I read my book.  I texted and spoke to friends.  I got to watch my television program, PARENTHOOD.

Work is good.  I'm not sure about retiring.  I know what to do and how to present myself to the younger generation.

Tonight is Shabbos!!!!  I love the Sabbath.  Tomorrow I will attend services.  No one of my group was there last week due to the snow.

Thank you, Almighty for giving me strength to deal with adversity.  Thank you for my new adventure at the Memory Workshop.

GRATEFUL FOR NEW ADVENTURES

I am grateful to the Almighty for allowing me to experience new adventures.

Yesterday, the Yoga Book Club was wonderful.  I enjoyed the yoga, the lunch, the discussion of Goldfinch and the friendship and togetherness of the group.   I enjoyed walking at Home Depot. I really enjoyed dinner with my Sisterhood friends and then the book discussion afterwards.

Today, my intention is to attend my first Memory Workshop at the library.  I am very excited.

Where was he in all of this??  There was pleasant minimal conversation.  He told me that he was going to go out and have frozen yogurt for dinner.  I didn't react but laughed inwardly.  After you turn up the fire place so that the bedroom that I sleep in is cold and you complain that you should be in Florida, the decision to go out in freezing temperatures to eat frozen yogurt makes sense.  It was said to get a rise out of me.  That never happened.

I am getting really good at this.

Thank you, Almighty for allowing me to experience new adventures.

GRATEFUL FOR QUIET AND STRENGTH

I am grateful to the Almighty because He has made me a strong woman.  He has taught me to be calm and quiet in the face of adversity.

Yesterday, he spent the entire time that he was in the house with me trying to bait me into having some sort of a confrontation. He kept saying that he couldn't say what he wanted to as this was bad for his health. He cursed many different people.  He carried on about the CD at the bank and the jewelry store.  He must have been miserable because I was happily in control of me and I never responded.  I made dinner and happily went to read my book.

Last night he slept downstairs and turned on the fireplace which took all the heat from upstairs where I was sleeping.  This morning he announced that he had a warm nights sleep.  He never asked if I did.  I announced that it was warm where I slept.  He went to check the thermostat and saw that it was 61.  He couldn't figure out how I was warm but wouldn't say.  I sang my way out to go to work. I wasn't warm, but saw that this could be something he would enjoy hearing so I never responded.

Today, I'm attending 2 book club events.  First is my Yoga Book Club and then the Sisterhood Book Club where we have agreed to meet for dinner.  I'm excited!!!!!

The Almighty made me a strong woman.  Now that He helped me to understand what I am up against, I can be quiet and calm.

I am grateful for this!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

I am grateful to the Almighty for all the different things that I have learned to keep me safe.

He was very kind to me when he drove me to work and to yoga.  I was very grateful.  Yoga was awesome.  The doggie no longer has an ear infection, but the vet said to continue to give him the antibiotics for the skin allergy.

He did drive me to work today as the temperatures dropped to 7 degrees with a wind hill of -20. They said that it would be icy. We have errands to go on and this sets him up for issues.

I am grateful to the Almighty because I have learned not to answer any of his nasty remarks.  There are nasty remarks about neighbors and people in general.  He still tries to make nasty remarks about the friend that I have that lives on the block.  He makes nasty remarks about my supervisors. He makes nasty remarks about the stores that I go to.  For me, it's like an antenna that goes up.  I hear a nasty remark and I don't say a word.  I am in control of me.  It gives me power.  It certainly shuts him down.

I needed a new watch battery.  He hates the jeweler.  I told him I would go into the jewelry store.  He will go buy fish.  I told him that he could do that and not bother to go into the jewelry store.  I said it once, very quietly.   I need to go to the bank today to renew a CD.  He tried to tell me how to get more money.  I listened quietly and did not respond.  

I was proud of me!!!!

I know that he wants to start issues so he can carry on.  I know that he wants to make me as unhappy as he is.   That isn't going to happen!!!

It's tough in the winter with the ice and snow because I rely on him to get me to places.  This is a good test to see if I have weathered the storm and internalized all the things that I learned.

I'm grateful to the Almighty for what I have learned.

I believe that I will weather the storm with the Almighty's help.

Later-  I certainly did weather the storm, by being calm and quiet.  He remains silent looking for an issue and he can't find one.  How sad!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR VACATION DECISIONS

I am grateful to the Almighty for my vacation decisions.  I am grateful to the Almighty because He helped me to find yoga and as a result of that I have changed.   I know exactly how to deal with the three of them.  Therefore, I no longer have to "hide out" at work.  Truthfully, I'm tired of working.  It's time to move on and to retire.

Today, I was grateful that he drove me to work or I wouldn't be here.  However, I have changed and it isn't with the same excitement that I am at work.   That's how I know that the time has come.

I'm going to my private yoga lesson.  Then we will have dinner and take the dog to the vet.

I am grateful to the Almighty for my vacation decisions.

GRATEFUL FOR A WONDERFUL VACATION

I am grateful to the Almighty for guiding me so that I had a wonderful vacation.

I was calm, cool and quiet.  I was able to accomplish so many things.   I went to services,  to yoga,  to films,  out to dinner,  to stores and had a wonderful time.

 I structured the vacation quietly so that I did not do anything that I didn't want to do.  I didn't say anything that didn't need to be said. 

Yesterday I was in the house with him all day.  I didn't say or do anything that I felt was unnecessary.  I got to read my papers.  I started another new book.  I walked at Home Depot.  In the evening,  I even got to watch another film.  All of this because I never expressed ideas to him that didn't have to be said.

Thank you, yoga!!!

Thank you, Almighty for leading me to yoga.

Today, I'm going to take my yoga class.  I plan to read and to walk at Home Depot.

Yes, I will retire this year.

I am grateful to the Almighty for giving me a wonderful vacation.

Later:   I went out to dinner with him.   There were so many masked issues that I didn't touch.  Retirement is mine because I know exactly what to do.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this!!

GRATEFUL FOR DECIDING TO RETIRE

I am grateful to the Almighty because I have decided to retire.

It's freezing outside.  Today the temperature is 10 degrees.  Last night it was 0 degrees.  I could not go to services today because it is freezing and more than that, the roads are covered in snow. I did not feel afraid that I would have to be home with him.  I know just what to do.

I needed to work when the house was filled with all those issues.   

I know how to let go of that which doesn't serve me.  My job no longer serves me.  It is time to leave.  I am so happy about that.

I know how to handle "the issues" in my life.  I know how to handle "the triad."  Its simply to be calm and quiet and not go down roads that you choose not to.

I am grateful to the Almighty for showing me how to deal with these issues.

As a result, there is no need to hide out at work.

I am grateful to the Almighty because I have decided to retire.

GRATEFUL TO THE ALMIGHTY BECAUSE I PASSED THE RETIREMENT TEST

I am grateful to the Almighty because I passed the retirement test.

I have been home on Winter Break for two weeks.  I have had so many wonderful experiences by myself.  I have also done things with him.  

I managed to avoid all the roads that I did not want to travel down.  I am proud of myself. 

In the winter, a lot of time is spent in the house.  I managed to avoid all unpleasantness.  As a result of this, his confrontations faded away.  That doesn't mean that his personality changed. It just means that I know how to handle myself.

I will be able to retire and enjoy my life.

I am grateful to the Almighty for making this happen.

GRATEFUL FOR MOVING FORWARD

I am grateful to the Almighty because my life is moving forward in a very positive way.

I have internalized all of my strategies and have become a very happy and contented person.  I am really enjoying my new life.    I am calm and quiet and this has given me so much more time to enjoy my life.  I don't go down roads that are not healthy for me and that too has been very helpful for my new life.

We are expecting a blizzard tonight into tomorrow.  I offered to shovel, but he called someone.  I did this very calmly.  If he were healthy, he would have shoveled, but he told me that people who are my age don't do that.  Fine with me.

I walked this morning at Home Depot for only an hour.  Since it isn't snowing, I would like to walk the mall after lunch.

I bought DD coffee and read both newspapers.  I texted my friends.

I'm reading another book for the Syosset book club which I'm enjoying.

Parenthood is on tonight.

I appreciate my new life.  I have learned to appreciate all of my successes and to live in the moment.  Thanks to the Almighty,  I have accomplished a great deal.  I can be proud of my accomplishments.

I am also proud of the NEW ME!!!  I am happily moving forward with my life.

Thank you, Almighty for making this possible.

Later-   We did walk the mall after lunch which was a really good idea because with the blizzard coming tonight into tomorrow, I won't be walking.   I made a really good dinner, Chilean Sea Bass and now, I'm going to read.

GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty for my life.

It is a life that I have created and it is filled with joy.  I love myself deeply and have let go of that which doesn't serve me so that I can heal.   I never thought that I could be as calmly political as I have become.  I never thought that I would change as much as I did.

I am grateful to the Almighty for bringing me to yoga.   It has been wonderful for my mind, body and spirit.

Today, I walked for two hours on a blustery, cold day and then went to a New Years Class at the yoga studio.   I will miss these classes when I go back to work, but June is just around the corner.

I had breakfast with him.   I know how to conduct myself around him and I no longer fear retirement because he will be there to destroy my peace.

I am grateful to the Almighty because I now have a life that I cherish and enjoy.

Thank you,  Almighty!!!!!