GRATEFUL FOR INTENTIONS #9-16

I am grateful to the Almighty for my strength, intelligence and fortitude.

This is going to be a very difficult week.  I am going out to the condo with him.  It's a very small place.   The memories there are not good ones.  The memories with him are definitely not good one culminating in July 31, 2012.

I am going to have to use everything that I have learned in yoga to keep myself safe.

This is why this is titled, Intentions 9-16.  There is one for each day.

June 30 (Sunday)-  I will smile as I practice stillness.

July 1   (Monday)-  I will be calm and quiet.

July 2   (Tuesday)-  I will be peaceful.

July 3   (Wednesday)-  I will focus on breathe.

July 4   (Thursday)-  I will focus on the fact that I am almost free.

July 5   (Friday)-  I will focus on listening before I speak.

July 6   (Saturday)-  I will focus on pride because I'm almost there.

July 7   (Sunday)-  I will focus on happiness.  I made it!  I'm back.

I don't know if I will remember all of these in this order.  But, I need to constantly remember stillness, and listening before I speak.

I will be fine.

I am grateful to the Almighty for helping me to figure this out.

GRATEFUL FOR INTENTION #8 LET GO OF THOUGHTS THAT GIVE YOU APPREHENSION. THEY ARE ONLY THOUGHTS!

Thank you Almighty for the fact that I went to a Restorative Yoga class yesterday and heard Dawn say,  " Let go of thoughts that give you apprehension.  They are only thoughts."

Many times, I am careful, thinking of what he could say to me and how I would react.  It is time to be aware of this and give that up.

Today is Shabbos and I'm off to services.  Services are a part of my weekend that make my heart sing.

Later, I will walk and finish packing for the condo.  I am looking forward to this vacation because I know exactly what to say or not and how to act.


I am grateful to the Almighty for this!!

GRATEFUL FOR INTENTION #7 CALM AND QUIET

I am grateful to the Almighty for todays INTENTION # 7,  entitled CALM AND QUIET.

I am looking forward to a wonderful day filled with activities to make my heart soar. 

It has stopped raining and I will be able to walk for my usual 2 hours.

Then I'm going to take NOT ONE but TWO YOGA CLASSES.

More later..........................

The day was perfect and I definitely was CALM and QUIET.

Both yoga classes (RESTORATIVE AND LEVEL 1) were awesome.  I did well in both.

I came home to take Matzah with him to PETCO to be groomed.

We made a wrong turn on the way to a jewelry store where he wants to buy me a ring and found an Italian restaurant that I have been talking about.  He parked incorrectly and was hit in the bumper by a little old lady who did not want to give up her insurance.  HE CALLED 911.  I found myself texting my friends as I watched him in action.  I definitely maintained todays intention of being CALM and QUIET.

We purchased a beautiful ring.

We are now going to get the doggie.

Thank you Almighty, for helping me to set a CALM and QUIET intention.

I certainly needed it today.

GRATEFUL FOR SILENCE

I am grateful to the Almighty that I discussed silence before my vacation started.

If I didn't do that and I didn't know him for what he was,  I would be upset.  Instead, I'm upset at myself for how easy my life could have been and how easy it is now.

Today, was our anniversary, or as I think about it, "A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN IMFAMY." I'm glad that I felt that way because after saying , "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY," and me saying, "YOU TOO," it was forgotten.

Today was also the day that my mother died on the Jewish calendar.   I went to services, alone, of course.  Then when I came home, he was watching television.  I got a "HELLO."  I went upstairs to read.

He didn't say a word.  Neither did I.

This s a new strategy.  Eventually, I'm supposed to react to silence and then he can carry on with me. 

Last summer he carried on about my friends and on July 31 I had had enough.

He's got a new strategy and he's trying.

He will fail like everything else he has done.

I am glad that the Almighty had shown me yoga and I have earned about silence.

I am grateful!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE LEARNED!!!

I am grateful to the Almighty for all that he has taught me.

The house is quiet.  He is doing his Thursday cleaning.

I walked for 2 hours on this beautiful day.

I went to Dunkin' Donuts for coffee.

I read both The NY Times and NY Newsday.

I will do some work on the computer, read my book and then get hi-lights in my hair.

It is so blissfully peaceful here.  It is so because I am still.

Thank you, Almighty for what I have learned.

Later Update!!!!   My hi-lights are absolutely awesome.  I love them.  And I love this day where I gave myself,  shanti, peace, calmness and serenity.  I  even finished my computer work.  I organized all my Passover lists.  

I'm proud of myself!!!!!

Thank you, Almighty for another wonderful day!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR INTENTION #6

I am grateful to the Almighty for the wonderful day that I had yesterday.

I am also grateful for Intention #6.

Yesterday, I attended the Yoga Book Club and had a wonderful time.  I was welcomed back by many of the ladies who attend regularly as they know that I work full time.  The book discussed, The Golem and the Jinnie was excellent and lunch was delicious.

Then it was off to the annual eye doctor checkup which was a good one.

I set Intention # 6 because I observed conversation with him yesterday.  I tried talking to him about the children and about the condo.  I noted that he ran in circles.  Whatever I said, he said the opposite of.  He reversed himself many times.  I believe now that he put the money in the bank and will not buy a new condo.  I believe that he will continue to bitch about the old one.  He is trying to be frustrating to see where that will take him.  It will take him nowhere.

INTENTION # 6 is to be careful about what I say.  It tells me to think before I speak.  It reminds me to observe and absorb before I say anything.  It tells me to re-phrase what he has said and repeat it.

Thank you Almighty for yesterday.  Thank you also for the insight for INTENTION #6.

I am grateful.

GRATEFUL FOR INTENTION #5

I am grateful to the Almighty for giving me INTENTION #5.

Each day, I set an intention.   That certainly helps me to structure the day with him and be safe.  Yesterday's intention was wonderful.  I did exercise caution  (intention #4) in everything that I said to him.

However, I began to feel that the condo and it's people will be the new control area this summer. I don't want it to turn into the daily discussion.  That will eventually make me loose patience and that is what he wants.

INTENTION #5 is taken directly from yoga.   I intend to LET GO everything that he has said with a smile and then BE SILENT.  

INTENTION #5 is to LET GO...........and BE QUIET in conversations with him.



Last night, I took an incredible RESTORATIVE YOGA CLASS.  Today, I'm walking early because I am going to the YOGA BOOK CLUB and then to the eye doctor.

Thank you, Almighty for INTENTION #5.  It has structured my day.

Namaste!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR INTENTION #4

I am grateful to the Almighty because I have learned about intentions in yoga. 

They have really structured my days.

As I walked this morning for two hours on my first day of summer vacation,  I thought about INTENTION #4.

I realized that around people who are enemies, I would EXERCISE CAUTION in what I said.  That I thought was brilliant because it summed up exactly what I needed to do to keep myself safe.

He went to clean and look at the condo because he wants us to go there.  Are we selling it??  Should we sell it??  That's a mine field which I won't touch.   It's your decision, I told him.  He doesn't like being in charge.  He told me why.  There is no one to blame!!!!!

Meanwhile, I'm having a very happy day and will continue to do so.

I took the doggie on some errands and will go on others this afternoon.  I am enjoying my time off as I continue to EXERCISE CAUTION!!!

Thank you, Almighty for teaching me about intentions.

THE SCHOOL YEAR IS OFFICIALLY OVER!!!!!

I am grateful to the Almighty for how well I did during this school year.

AND NOW THE SUMMER BEGINS...............

HE WILL TRY WITH ALL HIS MIGHT TO ABUSE ME............................

BUT WITH THE ALMIGHTY'S HELP, HE WILL FAIL!
   
I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO AND I WILL DO IT!!!


THE ALMIGHTY WILL WATCH OVER ME!!!

GRATEFUL FOR INTENTION #3

I am grateful to the Almighty because I SURVIVED ALL THAT THEY TRIED TO DO TO ME!!!  

I have had a successful year and know how to treat myself.

I finished the Stephen King book, 11/22/63.  It was wonderful.  It taught me not to look back and think that if I changed things, they could be better.  According to the book, they could be worse.

We had dinner with daughter #2.  I was very careful as to what I said and it went off perfectly.

I realize that he tries to banter by thinking up something that I would be upset about and trying to get a reaction.   Realizing this, he gets no reaction.  He doesn't know what to do.  This morning he tried to remind me of daughter #1.   Should he tell her about last night's dinner??  I never answered.   Good for me!!!!

That will definitely help in the summer days and weeks ahead!!!!

Today, I told him that he couldn't contact me as I had no phone.   Of course I do.  I have learned to lie.  I told him to call the Main Office with a problem.

I will be back late.  I have Yoga w Leslie, dinner w me, and Reiki.



MY THIRD INTENTION IS TO BE JOYFUL!!!!   I have many things to be grateful for, MYSELF BEING THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE.

 I have joy!!!  I have energy!!  I will have a good day!!!!

Thank you, Almighty for INTENTION #3.

GRATEFUL FOR INTENTION #2

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am setting intentions for the Summer of 2013 that I will definitely keep.

Intention #2 was to have a wonderful day.  Since yoga is encouraging me to have a grateful attitude, I have set intentions.

My wonderful day started with a delightful 2 hour walk early in the morning.   I then went to a wonderful yoga class and felt really good as a result of stretching all my muscles.      I put gas in the truck and headed to Dunkin' Donuts for not one.......but three cups of flavored coffee which I drank while reading my newspapers.

My wonderful day continued as I am now on the computer. 

My next intention will be to finish the wonderful book by Stephen King entitled, 11/22/63.

Having an intention keeps me on target.  Being grateful for something in life helps me to move forward.

As a result of intentions and gratitude, I practice beautiful stillness.  The Triad cannot upset me at all.

I am grateful to the Almighty for this.

GRATEFUL FOR YOGA INTENTION #1

I am grateful to the Almighty for teaching my about yoga intentions.

The yoga intention that I set for today is to do something that makes my heart sing.

I have done that by attending services and having kiddush with my friends.

I have done it also by reading my amazing Stephen King book, 11/22/63 for the Sisterhood Book Club.  

I have done it also by scheduling to walk later in the afternoon.

Thank you, Almighty for Intention #1.

GRATEFUL FOR GLOBAL YOGA INTENTIONS

I am grateful to the Almighty for teaching me about yoga intentions.

When one takes a yoga class, one sets an intention for that class. However, yoga is to be taken out into real life, and therefore I have decided to make intentions part of my summer.

I intend to number them also.

I realized that I could have a wonderful vacation,  if I allowed him to be in charge of what we do together.  His response to that was that he wouldn't have anyone to blame.  Although I didn't say it, that was the point of what I did.

By doing this, I hope to have a wonderful summer for myself filled with good things.

My global intention for the summer is to make sure that he is in charge of decisions that affect both of us.

GRATEFUL FOR A SUCCESSFUL YEAR

I am so grateful to the Almighty because I have had a successful year.

Obviously, at work, I have had a wonderful year, but I was talking about my home life.

I have spent the entire year from that fateful day, JULY 31, 2012, to now creating a new person so that I can live at home quietly.

I have thought about him.  I have thought about them.

I have studied him.  I have studied them.

I know what his goal is.   I know what they want.

I know exactly what I have to do to give myself a wonderful summer.  I am smiling now because I intend to do that for me and that in turn, will give him the worst summer of his life.

I am comfortable doing this.  I have no feelings for him at all.  I have no feelings for the older one either.  I will always remember, "the website."  The younger one has been victimized by the older one.

It was tough going to reach this point.  But, I am there.

Thank you, Almighty for always being there for me.

REMEMBER THESE POINTS THIS SUMMER

Responding to Verbal Abuse:

If your spouse, the person you are closest to habitually, verbally abuses you and dismisses your feelings, you will begin to see yourself and your needs as unimportant, of little consequence and irrelevant. When you finally recognize and come to terms with the idea that you are being verbally abused you need to also become focused on getting help. Here are some steps you can take if faced with verbal abuse:

Abuse is never justified so, you should never feel that it is your fault.

Let the abuser know how hurtful their words are and discuss with them the fact that it is unacceptable to you. Set boundaries on what you will and will not accept from your abuser.

Seek counseling, either together or separately.

Surround yourself with a support system of family and friends. Discuss with them what is happening and how you are feeling.

If the verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse, leave. Your personal safety is far more important than the relationship.

Do not engage in conflict with your abuser. If your spouse becomes angry stay calm, walk away and don’t give him/her what they want…a reaction from you.

Take back your power. If you react to the abuser, you are rewarding them. Letting them know they have power over your emotions. Don’t allow the abuser to have control over how you feel.

Leave the marriage. If setting boundaries, getting therapy and refusing to respond to the abuse doesn’t work, then it is time to consider divorce. There are times when the best thing you can do for yourself is, break all ties with your abuser. If you make this decision hire an attorney familiar with domestic violence, stay in close contact with your support system and focusing on learning good coping skills.

GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty for giving me my life back.   

My life has become so positive and I am enjoying each and every part of it.

Last night, I danced up a storm at a wonderful Retirement/End of Year Party.  I had a wonderful time.

And this morning.....................

He tried to start a new issue.  This would be the issue for the summer.  Keep the condo???  Sell the condo????  I love Plainview!!!!! It has so much for me.   I hate Plainview.   There is nothing for me!!!

What did I do about this?????

I told him to make a T-CHART.   I just wanted to know his decision.  

And I laughed.  I let him hear me laugh.   He was ready for a fight.   I was prepared.   I laughed.

I knew that this summer was like deja vu.   Except I wasn't going to fall for it.  Last year, after his good report, he built up an issue and that led to JULY 31.

Knowing this, I laughed.   I put him in charge.  I told him that it was a loose-loose situation.  If he  tries to decide, we will get no where.  If I decide, he will bitch.

Let him decide.  

I really don't care.

I will not be caught again!!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR LEARNING TO LIE

I am grateful to the Almighty because I have learned to lie.

He has no respect for me.  That is obvious.

He calls my office constantly.

In the past, I would say that you can't do this.  It's work.  He didn't care.  He did what he wanted to do.  Then he would begin and argument.  I was caught.

Now I lie.

It's easier.

Today, I told him in a quiet voice, that a Regents was being given.

LIE!  LIE!! LIE!!

But, it's much simpler!!!

GRATEFUL FOR INTENTIONS

I am so grateful to the Almighty for bringing me to yoga because yoga has given me the tools to be able to deal with the life I have.

I read yesterday's entry and was awed by it.  It says exactly what I feel and what I have to do in order to have a relaxing summer which I so need after what I have been through emotionally!!!!

When one says something like, "what you have to do," the task can be awesome.

I have decided, again with yoga's help, to break it down into an intention for the day.  Each day I will talk about a specific intention for the day.

Globally, my intention is to be happy each day of summer.  My intention is to practice stillness.  I have done that all year, however, I will be home and he will have more time to banter.  Stillness will be very effective because I can just listen.  Happiness will occur naturally because I am on vacation. 

Again, to quote yoga, " Each day, I will find something to make my heart sing."

Thank you Almighty, for helping me to find yoga and learn about intentions.

GRATEFUL FOR RECOGNIZING DANGER

I am thankful to the Almighty that his PET SCAN was  a good one.

Does that mean that I can have a good summer???  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  One just has to recall July 31, 2012 after the "good PET SCAN" of last year!!!!

If  I follow the structure and discipline and rules that I have created for myself this year, my summer can be a very good one.

If I follow the rules of yoga and the mantra that I have created for myself, my summer will be delightful.

The danger is to believe that he is really a decent and loving person.  

The danger is to negate his entire history and live in the illusion.  

The danger is in speaking to him as if he were a normal and loving person.

The danger is in trying to teach him something.

The danger is in sharing my life with him.

The danger is having hope that he is different.

The danger is in becoming my mother, a person taken in by lies.

I have not worked so hard this year to let this happen.  I may think thoughts, but will not act on them.  I may make plans in my mind and not act on them.

I will deal with the person in front of me, with the age he is, with the history he has with me and not with the illusions that I have.

GRATEFUL FOR CAN WE REALLY HAVE IT ALL, ESPECIALLY INTENTIONALITY AND INTROSPECTION

HOLLY BOXENHORN

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PART II- CAN WE REALLY HAVE IT ALL?

Posted by Holly Boxenhorn on Thursday, June 6, 2013

PART II

CAN WE REALLY HAVE IT ALL?

SIX FOUNDATIONAL STRATEGIES TO ACHIEVING LIFE BALANCE

June 2013 Insights

Looks like last month’s post struck a cord with a number of you! It seems many women share the feeling that they are chasing their tails in pursuit to “having it all”.  Most women agree, balance is one of the greatest goals in their lives but it appears to be as elusive as it is desirable. However, it doesn’t have to be that way, as I shared in last month’s insights, it really just boils down to three main elements. First, and foremost is understanding and respecting each and every important aspect in your life (addressed last month). Second, is obtaining the right tools and strategies to navigate those aspects in your life and third is having the personal/emotional buy-in to succeed in them. In this month’s Keys to Success Insights I will share six common strategies that all women need to consider in order to enhance greater life balance.

Before sharing these strategies, it’s important to note, that naturally each woman’s journey towards a more balanced life will vary depending on what aspects in their lives are most important to them. So, of course, depending on those aspects, more personal strategies may be needed to acquire and maintain them. However, the following six are foundational for anyone looking to create more balance in their life regardless of gender, age or ethnicity.

Balance requires:

1. Prioritizing- Concentrate your time and energy on YOUR priorities no one else’s. This is where the Wheel of Life exercise I shared with you last month comes in handy. You might put your family and friends at the top of your priorities, but how much time do you really spend with them? Are other aspects of your life taking priority over the things you really value? Figure out where you’d like to dedicate the majority of your time and see if you can come up with ways to match your ambitions with your reality.
2. Organization- Create a structured plan to each day rather than winging it. Plan ahead and anticipate everything you need to consider in order to attend to those aspects of your life you want to include. Have a daily/weekly/monthly schedule and stick to it. Don’t allow tempting distractions to divert you from your agenda. Consider contingency plans should the need arise so that you hold true to aspiring towards each and every aspect of your life that is important to you.
3. Flexibility- Accept that needs will pop up that require your readjustment and perhaps new choices. Forgive yourself when things don’t get done. Stop striving for perfection and allow for more reasonable standards.
4. Simplification- Stop over-scheduling and over-committing. Begin eliminating things from your life that really aren’t in alignment with those aspects of your life that are truly important to you. Be willing to say “no” to those things that don’t support your life objectives.
5. Intentionality- It is a rare occurrence in life when things naturally fall into balance. For most, achieving balance is a conscious act, motivated by a desire to give importance to multiple aspects of their lives. Be intentional about creating balance, don’t put it off to a possibly unlikely future time when you think it will be easier to master.
6. Introspection- Find time to reflect and check-in with yourself to assess daily whether or not you are truly honoring the most important aspects of your life. Self-evaluate  your actions to see if they are leading you more towards a balanced lifestyle.

Now I realize that many of you have likely come across the above six strategies in some shape or form before, possibly in various magazines or other self-help related readings. I understand these strategies are not new to most. But what I can suggest that is different and new to many is the Values Clarification exercise I shared back in December’s newsletter as well as in most of my workshops I have presented within the past year (if you are unable to re-locate this exercise or access it through my website, please email me and I will send you a PDF so you can download it anytime).

Just to quickly refresh your memory, the Values Clarification exercise is an extremely valuable coaching tool I use with most if not all of my clients. It is the cornerstone of most of my work because it helps guide women in making both big and small decisions so that their priorities are always in alignment with what is truly important to them. The value in doing this exercise will provide you the knowledge base you need so that you will better be able to put the above six foundational strategies into place.

Achieving an integrated, balance life is a continuous process. In next month’s newsletter I will share the third and final element to “having it all”,  the necessity to being personally and emotionally “bought in” to your life objectives in order to enhance a level of engagement that maximizes motivation and actualization of your ambitions.

In the meanwhile, if you haven’t done so already take some time to do the Values Clarification exercise and try implementing one or two strategies I suggested above in your weekly plans. Should you desire assistance with the Values Clarification exercise contact me for a complimentary session and I will gladly  session with you to fine tune your value hierarchy. I assure you the knowledge you glean from it will lead you on a path to greater success!

Best Wishes

 -Holly 

GRATEFUL BECAUSE I'M PROUD OF MYSELF

I am thankful to the Almighty for the personality that he has given me. 

I am so proud of myself.   Despite ALL that I have had to deal with, I have been a SUCCESS.  I have kept my STRENGTH and FORTITUDE.   I have not compromised anything that I believe in.

Considering how I began the year, after JULY 31st, I have had a SUCCESSFUL YEAR both personally and professionally.   Although I am definitely not interested in meeting another man, there is a man interested in me.   My career is doing very well.

I have my health.  I have my belief in the Almighty.

I have set up activities that I will enjoy in the summer.  I even found my beach coverups for the town pool.

I know what to say, to whom to say it and when to say it.

I feel safe.

I am comfortable with myself.

I worked hard ALL YEAR to get to this point.  I did it ALONE with the help of the Almighty but not with the help of anyone.

I am happy with myself.  I know now that I must eliminate that which doesn't serve me so that I can continue to be happy.

Thank you, Almighty.

I'm proud of me.

GRATEFUL FOR MY STRENGTH AND FORTITUDE

I am grateful to the Almighty for the strength and fortitude that he ha given me.

He has made me a strong woman and for that I am so grateful.

As I walked in to work today, I couldn't help but think about the date, JUNE 17.    It is the day that my second daughter was born.  I had her through artfiicial insemination.  He did not have sex with me on the day before the procedure and was not there on the day of her birth.  It was all left up to me.  I had strength and fortitude thanks to the Almighty.

Today is again another JUNE 17.  It is again Dana's birthday.   He is going for a PET scan to see if his cancer has returned.   I can't be like him and not care.  I didn't sleep well last night. But, I did not take the day off to go with him.   

He is in my life, but not of my life.

As I think of the entire family, I realize that no one hit the normal benchmarks. Another time, we will discuss the girls.  However, the marriage never hit normal benchmarks.  It was filled with tremendous abuse culminating in what happened to me last JULY 31.  That was also when my older daughter showed her true colors.

Thanks to the Almighty,  I have the strength and fortitude to survive.  This is a no win situation. Last year, when the PET scan was normal, we ended up with a JULY 31.  

I don't make life and death decisions.  He doesn't walk on my earth.  I hope that he is fine so that I don't get any more drama.

However, events have changed me and made me stronger.

For this I am eternally grateful to the Almighty.

GRATITUDE FOR FINDING THIS SAYING

    “Resentment or grudges do no harm to the person against whom you hold these feelings but every day and every night of your life, they are eating at you.” 


I am grateful to the Almighty for helping me to find this saying in the INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHTS that I get every morning.

As I walked in to work today, I was feeling happy and contented.  Thanks to yoga, I am so grounded in the present  that when I think about the past,  I think about it as history and am so thankful for how far I have come and how much I personally have achieved in life.

I am ONLY responsible for me and I'm proud of me.

THANK YOU ALMIGHTY FOR A WONDERFUL DAY

I am so thankful to you, Almighty for a wonderful day.

I have learned how to let go...........   

This morning, I walked for two hours and then I went to my yoga class.  I had a bit of a headache and I thought that it was stress.  It turns out that I was dehydrated.

I put gas in the truck and went to Dunkin' Donuts to get coffee.

I left up to him, what he wanted to do on FATHER'S DAY.   He did not wish to see them because that included the boyfriend whom he hates.  I'm sure when he meets the parents, he will love them.  He is a phony.   I was to take him to dinner until rain was in the forecast.

I was thrilled EXCEPT I didn't show it.   I had scheduled a manicure/pedicure and we were going out to dinner.  Except, he decided that now we wouldn't.  Interestingly, he said that tomorrow he would blame me and I said that I expected that and it was fine.

UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!

I had a wonderful manicure/pedicure.  I even have a design on my ring fingers!!!!!  I made dinner and we ate outside and I said HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!  Actually more than he deserves but, I can't be the person he is and between the walking,  yoga, manicure/pedicure and the great book that I am reading, it was a wonderful day.

Tomorrow, June 17 he goes for the PET SCAN.  For my sake alone, I would like it to be fine so that I can have a decent summer.   Amazing it is that on June 17, 1979, he took his mother to the cemetery and left me to give birth with my mother and brother.  For my sake, I hope the Almighty gives him a decent PET SCAN, but the anxiety is his on June 17.  Thank you Almighty for planning it this way.  

However, I said nothing about any of my feelings.

I'm very proud of myself and very happy, thanks to the Almighty.

Thank you, Almighty for a wonderful day.

GRATEFUL FOR BEING INVITED

I am grateful to the Almighty because we were actually invited to a birthday party on the block.

We had a wonderful time.

It felt so good to be invited to something on this block.  Because of the kind of children that they were, people rolled up the rugs.  Thanks to the Almighty because their history is gone and I can be myself.   This is happening at the synagogue, at Sisterhood, on the block and in the town.  NO ONE KNOWS WHO THEY ARE!!!!  IT'S A WONDERFUL FEELING!!

Thank you, Almighty!!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR THE LIFE THAT I MADE FOR MYSELF

My summer vacation will be approaching in 6 days.

I am grateful to the Almighty for the life that I have created for myself..

The activities that I have are wonderful.  For example, tomorrow after services,  I will be attending my monthly MEDITATION WORKSHOP.   I have a birthday party to go to afterwards.  Then there is walking.  In the evening there might be a movie to watch or an incredible book to read.

On Sunday, I will walk.  Then I will go to my YOGA CLASS.   I will put gas in the car and go to Dunkin' Donuts for delicious coffee.

I have scheduled a manicure/pedicure for later in the afternoon.  My biggest problem is what color or colors do do since it's going to be a funky summer for me.

I need to have the intention to always remember that I bring  MYSELF  from  DARKNESS  to LIGHT.   My intention is to be happy and to LET GO FULLY THOSE THINGS OR PEOPLE THAT DO NOT SERVE ME SO I CAN HEAL.

I will practice  STILLNESS and QUIET.

If I remember these things, my summer will be relaxing and wonderful!!!

GRATEFUL FOR PERIODONTAL CHECKUP

I am grateful to the Almighty, because my periodontal checkup was a huge success.

The next checkup is in December........

GRATEFUL FOR REGENTS EXAMINATIONS

I am grateful to the Almighty that the school year is coming to a close and that students are taking Regents examinations.

This has given me time to look back at this blog.  I noticed some interesting patterns that I have begun to correct and I'm proud of myself.

I noticed that he set me up to talk and then to argue, by saying something that wasn't true.  I would then disagree and we would be off and running...............

I have since learned to LISTEN and NOT SPEAK.  I have learned about the power of STILLNESS.  Everything doesn't need an answer.   I have learned NOT TO JUSTIFY my activities and to ask him to go, just to cover myself.  I have learned the power of QUIET.

I noticed that I tried to make plans with him.  That gave him the ability to say, NO!

I have learned NOT TO PLAN anything with him.   I tell him what I'm doing and the choice is his TO DO or NOT TO DO!!   It is his choice to plan.

I noticed that at certain points when  he was mellow, I would try to teach.  Teach how to deal with people.   Teach how to deal with me.   Correct how he viewed things.  Try to get him to move forward.

IT HASN'T WORKED IN 42 YEARS AND IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK NOW!!!!

I have finally learned this which is why I am so calm.

Thank you Almighty for getting me to this stage.

GRATEFUL FOR LIVING IN THE PRESENT

I am grateful, Almighty because I am learning to live in the PRESENT.

These last few days, I have been planning the FUTURE and lamenting about the PAST.  I realized today that yoga teaches us to be in the PRESENT moment and to enjoy and savor it.

That is what I intend to do.

I had a wonderful private lesson with Leslie yesterday.  I changed my eye doctor appointment to be able to attend the YOGA BOOK CLUB.

Dinner with my girlfriend was awesome.

Today, will not be so awesome.  I'm leaving work early to go to the periodontist.  Hopefully, my bonding won't break and we can move forward.

I am grateful to the Almighty for again reminding me about the PRESENT.

GRATEFUL FOR STRUCTURING THE SUMMER

I am grateful to the Almighty, because I have down time at work and I'm thinking about how to structure my summer so that I will be safe.

There will be changes in my personality as I "act."   I will need to practice  STILLNESS  at all times because he will be looking to "get me."   This means that I will need to be non-judgemental and non-emotional about everything.   I MUST continue to speak in my QUIET LITTLE VOICE.    When he makes a sarcastic remark or a remark to scare me, I will listen respectfully, making little or no comment.   I will commit to memory, " I WILL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT!    I will not make suggestions about plans, leaving that up to him to lead.   I will continue to make plans for myself and invite him to join me.   The answer will always be, "NO!"

I will need to structure my day and  have thought about that.    In the early morning, I will say my mantra and will MEDITATE outside on the deck.  Some days, I can attend morning MINYON.  Then I will WALK.   I will come back and make NONSENSE CHIT-CHAT.  Then I will go to get coffee at Dunkin' Donuts.   I might take the dog.    I will have a late breakfast and read the papers.

Afternoons can be a problem especially if I have a plan with a friend.   The idea is to be very quiet.   I don't have to justify what I do.   I don't have to make suggestions.  I just have to be in the present.

Evenings can be a problem especially if I have an activity or am going to see a friend.

IT'S UP TO ME!!!!!    HE HAS SAID THAT HIS AIM IS TO MAKE ME AS MISERABLE AS HE IS.

I HAVE CHOICES.   I CAN LET HIM GET ME OR I CAN PRACTICE  STILLNESS and use my little voice.

The CHOICE is mine!!

I went to dinner with a dear friend after yoga.  I need to continue to make plans.  I came home and was asked NOTHING and so I said NOTHING!  The choice is mine and I'm proud of me!!!!!   Dinner was wonderful!!!!  It's great to have friends that have been with you for years.

GRATEFUL FOR INNER HAPPINESS

I am grateful to the Almighty for having my yoga teacher discuss inner happiness last night at Restorative Yoga.

I have been so caught up creating strategies to keep me safe this summer that I totally forgot about my yoga principles.

I am the ONLY ONE who can bring myself from DARKNESS to LIGHT.  I can do that because I am very proud of myself and my accomplishments.   I also have a great deal of INNER HAPPINESS. 

I am promising myself right now that I will practice STILLNESS at home.  I will ENJOY THE SUMMER.   I will listen to everything that he has to say and I will be silent.  I will not make comments.  I will not raise my voice.  I will not give get too involved with him.   I will let him lead because he won't.

I WILL NOT ALLOW HIM TO BOTHER ME AT ALL.

I am a happy person and will continue to be so.

Thank you, Almighty!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR SUMMER

I am grateful to the Almighty that in a few short days, it will be summer.

I am very prepared for the summer season.

I will enjoy every moment of it because I have earned it.

Thank you, Almighty, for this summer vacation.

GRATEFUL FOR A TIME TO PLAN

I am grateful to the Almighty because he has given me the time to plan how to handle myself this summer.

I went to a wonderful retirement party last night.  He drove and picked me up so that I could drink.  That was nice.

He had had a good checkup at the kidney doctor and so to "celebrate", and here I'm being sarcastic, he decided to repeat the name, "Shula", Izzy's mother's name, over and over again, like a mantra. If he said it enough, I would get upset was his thought.

It was the same way he would start the conversation about Jeff Rosen last summer.  We know what happened on July 31, 2012.

 That will not happen again.   I know the deck of cards that I was dealt.  I have ways to play the hand.     Reading is one.  Taking Matzah to a dog park is another.  There are other activities that I am involved in.  I have joined the town pool.   I attend services.  I walk.  I do yoga.

I understand the power of stillness.   I know when to leave a room, or a house in order to be safe.

I know that I do not have to justify what I do and I won't.

I will be safe because I have made up my mind to do this.  He will not succeed this time.

Isn't it sad though, that this is the end of a marriage??  But, it really is and to be realistic, there really never was a marriage............just a man abusing a woman!!  There was also a woman answering everything.   That has stopped.

I think less time at that condo is another option.  Even selling it would be an option.

My intention is to have a quality summer.  It will happen because I am aware of what he does and will not make the same mistake twice.

I am grateful to the Almighty for planning this through and being aware of him.

GRATEFUL FOR THIS INSPIRATION

You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

— Sri Ram

GRATEFUL FOR KNOWING THAT I HAVE TO CHANGE

As I sit here at work, thinking of my life, I am grateful to the Almighty for the realization that changes have to be made in me.

This summer, I really have to work on, letting go of that which doesn't serve you so you can heal.

I have done that with him and now I need to do that with her.  I MUST become MORE SELF-CENTERED and much less SENSITIVE.

It seems that if you are self-centered and think only of yourself, people understand this and don't place expectations on you that you don't want.

I need to change and I will work on this.

Thank you, Almighty for the realization.

GRATEFUL FOR REALIZATIONS

I am grateful to the Almighty because I had a situation and a realization as to how to handle my older daughter.

I know the strategies to use with him and I have ben extremely successful.  This weekend was a wonderful example as I know how to enjoy myself and when to be silent.  I know what to answer and what not to say.  For example, at the shiva call, he must have asked me ten times, "where is Rhonnie"?  I never answered.

 I  now created a marvelous strategy with the older one based on a realization.  I will never forgive her for choosing him over me and actually yelling at me on that fateful day, July 31, 2012.  She was a difficult child to raise.  She preferred all the other town mothers to me. She had  the nerve to send him a website dealing with a diagnosed emotional illness for me.

As a result of that texting was created.  It could be used in a non-emotional way.  It worked for a while however, there is now a problem.  She has dictated when we are to meet her boyfriend's parents and accepted that it was to be after the summer.

I made the mistake of texting her fun things that I was doing.  I thought she would be happy for me since some of them were with her father, to be politically correct.  

Wrong!!!!

How could I dare do something if I don't have time for her boyfriends parents????

Now I'm texting stupidity............the dog, the weather, current events etc.

I am grateful for this realization because now I know how to proceed.

Thank you, Almighty!!!!!

ANOTHER WONDERFUL DAY!!!

Thank you, Almighty for another wonderful day filled with joyful things to do.

Walking was wonderful!!!!

Yoga was divine!!!!!

Sad to say, but a shiva visit for a Sisterhood friend who lost her brother.  And I am accepted!!! No one knows who they are!!!!

Dinner at Rachels!!  Nonsense conversation.............................

In reviewing the blog from last year, I have discovered that I have not mentioned him at all.  I have succeeded fulfilling my old intention.

My intention is to appreciate this day and I am doing just that.

HAVING A WONDERFUL DAY

This Sabbos has truly been wonderful!!

Services were delightful.  There is nothing like praying and having friends around you.

I enjoyed the kiddush too.

Then it was off to walk.  It was cloudy and sunny, but very warm. So for 2 hours, I was in heaven.

I came home to finish up the papers, look at the mail and go on the computer.

Now, I hope to finish my book.

Namaste!!!

And I finished the book, THE GOLEM AND THE JINNI for the YOGA BOOK CLUB.

I served dinner.

I sat outside with my doggie and spoke to a neighbor.

I started my new book.   It's excellent!!!!!!!

Shanti!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR SHABBOS

I am grateful to the Almighty for this beautiful Shabbos!!  

The sun is shining.  Tropical Storm Andrea is a thing of the past.

I too am a new person.

I am looking forward to a wonderful day.

That is my intention.

Namaste!!!

GRATEFUL FOR FRIDAY

I am grateful to the Almighty that it is Friday afternoon.

I was afraid because it was the weekend.   I used to come up with strategies.  I used to care so.  I used to be so depressed.

IT'S THE NEW ME!!!!  I HAVE MOVED ON!!!

IT'S EXCITING!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR FIGURING IT ALL OUT

I am grateful to the Almighty because I had a revelation and figured it all out!!!!!!

I am not responsible for  ANYONE  but MYSELF.   Marriage was definitely a failed experiment and it's time that I completely moved on.   Having children was another failed experiment. 

No one, not MARTIN or HILARY or DANA hit benchmarks of a relationship or of growing up.

If I had  SELF-ESTEEM growing up, I would have ended the marriage when we came back from the honeymoon.  However, because of how my parents treated me, that did not happen.

It s time that I put this behind me and moved on and enjoyed my life.  That is exactly what I intend to do.  It gives me such freedom because I no longer have to be bothered by anything he says or answer him with any emotion or feeling.  I'm not angry.  It's just over.  It was a long time in coming......BUT, IT'S HERE!!!!!!!

I don't know why or how this all came together as it did.

It is an incredible gift especially for Shabbos.

Thank you Almighty for helping me to figure this all out.

I CAN NOW MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.  I DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO RETIRE!!!

I CAN EXPLORE WHAT ELSE THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER!!

I am so grateful for this!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR SUMMER

I am grateful to the Almighty for the person that I have become.

I am grateful to the Almighty that summer is coming.

As I read prior entries, it does look like my emotions has been on a roller coaster ride. 

They have.

However, I am now cool and collected.  I appreciate my quiet little voice and stillness.  

I know that I don't have to speak if I choose not to.  I don't have to explain. I don't have to teach. I just have to be present and enjoy the moment.  That is the intention that I will set for myself daily.

I realize that I will be attacked by him when I least expect it and even when I do.

It is up to me to be in control of myself.

There is nothing that I want from him.  Therefore, he can't control me.

I'm thrilled that summer is coming as I am free to do all the joyful things that I want to do.

No one can take that away from me.

I am strong and capable.

I will succeed.

Thank you Almighty for this gift.

GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE

I am grateful to the Almighty for what I just read in FACEBOOK.

GRATEFUL MEANS CHANGING WHAT YOU HAVE INTO ENOUGH!!!!

That is what I have done.  I am grateful for my own life.  Today I am going to check out the new Yoga Store called LuLu.

I am grateful and it will be enough for today!!!!!

GRATEFUL FOR PRE-TESTS

I am grateful to the Almighty for being able to complete a pre-test on my new abilities and seeing that I did well.

Yesterday, I had a wonderful yoga lesson.  I was able to make it home to put away all the items that I had moved around so that he could clean.  He wasn't home when I arrived and although I was delighted, I wondered what had happened to him, so I called.  He had gone out for dinner and his voice wasn't pleasant.

It sounded to me as if he were looking for a confrontation.  He arrived home and it turned out that one of my friends had called to ask what time we were meeting for dinner.  He now knew that another friend, HIS LATEST PERSON TO HATE, was going.  He had a real attitude.

I immediately switched to my quiet little voice and stillness and was quite successful.  You can't confront someone who refuses to be confrontational.

And then I was off to dinner with my friends and explaining to the gal who called what he was like and how I should have divorced him.  I has a wonderful time.

The book club was excellent and I'm really going to enjoy the new book.

I WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL SUMMER BECAUSE I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE TO DO.   IT WILL BE MY FAULT IF THERE ARE ISSUES THIS SUMMER BECAUSE I HAVE THE SKILLS TO KEEP ME SAFE.

GRATEFUL FOR UNDERSTANDING

I am grateful to the Almighty for understanding why I am upset.

All year long, I have been hiding out in school.  Soon school will end and I will have to face him every day.  It's true that I have a lot of activities and people to do things with.

BUT,  I have to come face-to-face with the truth.  The truth of my feelings.  The truth of our relationship.  The truth of the history that we have.   And that's hard.

I IMAGINE that this is why I feel a sadness and it's understandable.

I AM STRONG.  I AM CAPABLE.  I WILL GET THROUGH THIS.  

BEGINNINGS ARE ALWAYS HARD!!!

GRATEFUL FOR NOT BECOMING OVERWHELMED

I am grateful to the Almighty because I am looking forward to the summer and have not nor will I become overwhelmed by issues with them.

I have wonderful things in place to do this summer.  Most recently, I have added the town pool to my list.

I have decided NOT to clean the condo before I go.  What a waste of time that would be!!! Suppose we didn't go??  I would be wasting my time.

This morning, on the drive to work I started to think about the issues that I would have to deal with because of him this summer.

I stopped.

I realized that this was not yogic.  My intention is to have joy and energy and have a good day.  As issues come up, I will deal with them with stillness.

I had to smile at this.  I had not become overwhelmed.

I received a text from the older one that I chose not to answer. Again, I chose not to be overwhelmed.  She started to tell me about yoga clothes that she was buying for her vacation. I chose not to text back letting it hang there until I will mention something else.

I am grateful to the Almighty for not becoming overwhelmed by issues with either of them.